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I do not believe anyone who has ever claimed to have had sex on a commercial airline flight. No way.

As I was flying this week for undisclosed reasons I got to thinking about joining what is known as “The Mile High Club.” No, its not as if I had the opportunity, I simply began thinking about sex, as I’m prone to do, and I happened to have been on an airplane at the time.

I began wondering how, if presented with the chance, would I go about having sex on an airplane. I determined that its not possible.

Sure, technically it is physically possible–you could do it in the aisle or in your seat (no, I mean in your airplane seat!)–but I was thinking practically, as if I really were to sneak off with someone to do it. And I just don’t see how it could be done.

There is no way that two people could sneak into one of the bathrooms without being detected. There are flight attendants all over the place and seemingly always someone waiting for the bathroom. If they’re not waiting when you get there, someone would be waiting to catch you when you exit the bathroom. If by some chance you do sneak in and sneak out (of the bathroom, sicko!), I can’t imagine you could be quiet enough not to be heard from outside.

I think anyone who claims to have given new meaning to “cockpit” is lying. There is no feasible way to have undetected sex on an airplane. Anyone out there wishing to prove me wrong, I’ll meet you at the airport.

I know it’s been joked about before, but its time to take it seriously. Al Qaeda needs to get laid.

Islamic Fundamentalists have deprived themselves from vices for way too long. Do you think they’d be this angry if they were allowed to indulge in sex, drugs and alcohol? Of course not. Would they be plotting to destroy the western world if their women weren’t covered up from head to toe? No.

They’re your fat friend who is so nasty and cranky all the time because they’re not getting any. Al Qaeda wants to destroy us because they’re so damn jealous. In the Muslim world, you need to blow yourself up in the name of Allah to get your shot at 72 virgins. Here in America, all you need are SAT scores high enough to get you into college.

We’re fighting this war all wrong. We need to bring vice to the dessert. We need to give new meaning to “The Gaza Strip.” We need to loosen up these wackos and show them how to enjoy life.

I mean, look at Jenna Jameson, who is probably the cover girl for Infidel Magazine. Just look at her.

Wow.

I’ve lost my point.

Oh, yes, look at Jenna. If Bin Laden saw that this existed, don’t you think he’d think twice about what kind of life he was fighting for?

I originally brought this up back when only me and my mom read Dr. Blogstein. Now that the world has discovered my brilliant words, I can actually test this theory that I have:

I’m convinced that everyone in the USA has or knows someone who has met or seen Henry Winkler. Ask around.