I do not believe anyone who has ever claimed to have had sex on a commercial airline flight. No way.

As I was flying this week for undisclosed reasons I got to thinking about joining what is known as “The Mile High Club.” No, its not as if I had the opportunity, I simply began thinking about sex, as I’m prone to do, and I happened to have been on an airplane at the time.

I began wondering how, if presented with the chance, would I go about having sex on an airplane. I determined that its not possible.

Sure, technically it is physically possible–you could do it in the aisle or in your seat (no, I mean in your airplane seat!)–but I was thinking practically, as if I really were to sneak off with someone to do it. And I just don’t see how it could be done.

There is no way that two people could sneak into one of the bathrooms without being detected. There are flight attendants all over the place and seemingly always someone waiting for the bathroom. If they’re not waiting when you get there, someone would be waiting to catch you when you exit the bathroom. If by some chance you do sneak in and sneak out (of the bathroom, sicko!), I can’t imagine you could be quiet enough not to be heard from outside.

I think anyone who claims to have given new meaning to “cockpit” is lying. There is no feasible way to have undetected sex on an airplane. Anyone out there wishing to prove me wrong, I’ll meet you at the airport.

I know it’s been joked about before, but its time to take it seriously. Al Qaeda needs to get laid.

Islamic Fundamentalists have deprived themselves from vices for way too long. Do you think they’d be this angry if they were allowed to indulge in sex, drugs and alcohol? Of course not. Would they be plotting to destroy the western world if their women weren’t covered up from head to toe? No.

They’re your fat friend who is so nasty and cranky all the time because they’re not getting any. Al Qaeda wants to destroy us because they’re so damn jealous. In the Muslim world, you need to blow yourself up in the name of Allah to get your shot at 72 virgins. Here in America, all you need are SAT scores high enough to get you into college.

We’re fighting this war all wrong. We need to bring vice to the dessert. We need to give new meaning to “The Gaza Strip.” We need to loosen up these wackos and show them how to enjoy life.

I mean, look at Jenna Jameson, who is probably the cover girl for Infidel Magazine. Just look at her.

Wow.

I’ve lost my point.

Oh, yes, look at Jenna. If Bin Laden saw that this existed, don’t you think he’d think twice about what kind of life he was fighting for?

I originally brought this up back when only me and my mom read Dr. Blogstein. Now that the world has discovered my brilliant words, I can actually test this theory that I have:

I’m convinced that everyone in the USA has or knows someone who has met or seen Henry Winkler. Ask around.

I know its Game 7 tonight and I’m risking bad karma with this post, but I can’t resist a good Yankees joke…

This, courtesy of perhaps the best sports blog on the web, Uni Watch:

The famous Scottage provides mathematical proof that Girls=Evil. You be the judge:
I still prefer this mathematical equation:

Call me crazy, but I think the fact that it protects against SPAM comments is the SECOND best thing about Blogger Word Verification. I just really love some of the crazy letter combinations they come up with.

I’m hoping one day I get a grouping of letters that spells something out–hopefully something vulgar. Its probably a very rare occurrence. I mean I’ve probably seen thousands of Word Verifications in the past year and the closest I’ve come to a real word was:And that’s only because it make me think it said “Lexus”

But some of these Word Verifications don’t need to be actual words to sound funny when read.

Like this: I’m not sure why, but “Y-UW-PURY” sounds like something a Chinese man would ask a cat.

And doesn’t this: sound like a French delicacy?

So the next time you leave a comment here on Dr. Blogstein, take a moment and read your Word Verification. It just may entertain you (or me.)

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Kids, before you decide to bring a gun to homeroom and shoot up your high school please read this post. And don’t worry, I wont be telling you not to do it (though for the record, I’d prefer that you didn’t.)

Now that school shootings seem to be back in style and in the newspaper every morning, I felt it was time to talk to all the youngsters out there. So, listen up children…

I know high school is hard and kids can be real cruel, but mass murder is not the best way to prove to your classmates that you’re not a freak. In fact, you may just be proving them right.

Trust me, high school ends. You will get out. I can understand how, when you’re a 15-year-old freshman, four whole years can seem like a long time. You know why? Because when you’re 15, four years is over a quarter of your life. I assure you though, it will end. Just wait it out.

And while you’re waiting, don’t shoot your classmates. If you’re being picked on and feel the need to retaliate, be creative. Pay a local thug to beat the bully up. Try to spread a rumor that your bully has Syphilis. Or use photoshop to show your bully in a compromising position with Mr. Reynolds the gym teacher.

Another reason not to murder your bully is because these things usually end up as a murder/suicide. This means, that you’ll more than likely have to kill yourself after shooting up your high school.

Being dead is not going to improve your self esteem. In fact, I can guarantee that you’ll be real bummed out when the popular kid that you killed has many more people at his funereal than you do. Why put yourself in such an embarrassing situation?

Please, young and troubled web surfers, listen to me. Shooting up your school is a bad idea. There is a future for losers and dorks in this world. You can grow up to be rich and successful with a really hot girlfriend. If you kill, you’ll either end up dead or in jail, where you’ll be someone’s really hot girlfriend.

Trust me, I’m a doctor.

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UPDATE 10-5-06: THIS STORY HITS CLOSE TO HOME A big thank you to Friend of Blogstein, “Ra Ra Ra,” for sharing this emotional post with us.

In this morning’s Los Angeles Times, education columnist Bob Sipchen (right) wrote a piece on a new book called High School Confidential. The book is an expose written by a 24-year-old named Jeremy Iversen after he spent a semester undercover at a Southern California High School.

I saw Iversen on Good Morning America last week and it led me to pick up his book. As I read through it, he confirmed every suspicion that I had about high school today. High School is basically an out of control, wild party from the opening bell until the end of detention.

I’m not sure it was like that when I attended high school last decade (at least I hope it wasn’t because then I’d kick myself for missing out on all the fun) but it sure looks like it is now. And I believe it. Just walk through the mall and see how 13 and 14-year-old girls are dressing the way 18 and 19 year-old girls used to dress. Is it such a leap to believe that they’re also behaving that way too?

Iversen describes a scary world of in class drinking games, teachers coming onto students, teenager sex tapes being emailed around and parents and administrators with their heads in the sand. But now, thanks to Iversen, its all exposed and maybe our public schools can get back on track and ensure that our test scores don’t lag behind those in third world countries. Right?

Wrong! In comes the aforementioned LA Times column by Bob Sipchen. All the good that Iversen has done trying to open the nations eyes to this crisis in education including changing the name of the school to protect the underage innocent and guilty,) Sipchen systematically and recklessly tears apart.

Sipchen, who lauds the student newspaper staff for covering this story and indicates that they awarded those student reporters with “student journalism awards,” then quotes those same students as being outraged by Iversen’s actions. Butter up your sources with prizes and then get quotes to support your opinion. How is that legal?

Incidentally, the one non-student journalist quoted in Sipchen’s piece stood by Iversen and supported his findings. Probably because Iversen’s claims are true. Its time to stop trying to convince ourselves that everything is okay.

Sipchen’s column exemplifies the very reason why our public school system is in such disarray. The moment you hear something that is unpleasant to think about, you go and shoot the messenger instead of taking in the information and doing something about it–just like the friend who never talks to you again after you tell her that her boyfriend is cheating. Nothing is going to be solved in this way. The longer our heads are in the sand, the dumber our kids are going to get. I think Sipchen has done his community a big disservice by not taking Iversen’s findings seriously.

And, yes, I am just pissed that I didn’t get laid in high school!

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