DATRES AT THE DESK:
The Rants
By Chris Datres, special contributer to Radio Happy Hour
Email Chris Datres
Giants vs. Patriots (-12) at Glendale, AZ
So it’s come to this — a rematch of an electric week 17 battle where neither team had anything to play for as far as the playoffs were concerned yet both teams played like it was Super Bowl XLII. Turns out that was just a dress rehearsal. It was a game that I watched all of about 2 minutes of because Penn State was playing aTm in the Alamo Bowl that night and to me, that was more important. Sports Illustrated hasn’t made picking this game any easier since they decided to put Strahan AND some guy named Brady on the cover this week.
Speaking of Brady, can we find out what he ate for dinner tonight? I mean, can we please STOP with this 24/7 garbage about him bringing flowers to Giselle and the walking boot and does he have a limp? If I had been Brady, I’d have worn a boot on the OTHER foot the next day to mess with the media. Then I’d have shown up at practice and made sure the cameras caught me with my arm in a sling. I’d even add an eyepatch for good measure. And yet his name isn’t on the injury report this week. So with that being said, can we please end this mess?
Before I get to the pick, I’d like to hand out some awards from the college bowl season and the first 3 weekends of NFL playoffs.
Take 2 Weeks Off and Quit Award: This is in honor of one of our cameramen, John Feyko, who has busted this quote out on me a couple of times when he’s had to deal with me on shoots. This award goes to the Tampa Bay Bucs who had locked up their playoff spot and didn’t care about going for the 3 seed the last two weeks of the year. They blew a lead to the lowly 49ers in Week 16 and then yawned their way through a loss to the Panthers. They got a home game against the Giants and got rolled, even after scoring first. I’m glad I made money on this one.
Swinging Gate Award: Step on up you Hawaii offensive linemen. Colt Brennan spent most of the Sugar Bowl looking up at the Superdome roof and running for his life in their thrashing by the Dawgs.
The F-U Award: After snake-oil salesman Rich Rodriguez left West Virginia high and dry for their Fiesta Bowl game against Oklahoma, the Mountaineers came out and blitzed the Sooners for nearly 400 yards rushing. That would have been a good pick on the money line for the underdogs there. Meanwhile, Dick-Rod, as he’s being called in Moonshineland, is haggling with WVU administration over his buyout. If it gets too heated, they might just send the mascot with the musket to Ann Arbor to kick some tail.
The Nelly Award: This goes to those three bikini-clad ladies who bared themselves during the 3rd quarter of the Giants-Packers NFC Championship game. Apparently, they figured a -20 wind chill meant it was getting hot in here so they felt like it was time to take off all their clothes. And in a stunning upset, they were actually cute! They must have been bused in from Michigan or Illinois, if you catch my drift.
Pomp and Circumstance Award: The trophy goes to Penn State QB Anthony Morelli. I’ve never been more happy about a Penn State player graduating in my entire life.
And finally, I bring you the All-Fraud Team. The 5 teams who held so much promise but ended up costing me money. And that’s one thing you NEVER want to do.
1. Indianapolis Colts — a home game with all your weapons and you lose to the Chargers? Yeah, thanks a lot, Peyton. Hope you keep giving great pep talks.
2. Dallas Cowboys — specifically, Tony Romo. I said a number of RANTS back that I think he’s a good quarterback but he shouldn’t be drooled about until he actually does something in clutch or playoff situations. Well, they lost a number of games in December and then flamed out in the playoffs. But at least he’s got Jessica Simpson, so at least he’s got that going for him, which is good.
3. Arizona State — at some point I will learn that you don’t bet against the Texas Wronghorns in a bowl game.
4. South Florida — pat them on the head, give them a piece of candy, and send them on their way. For a team that had a really good defense, they sure let the Ducks (without Dennis Dixon, mind you) waddle roughshod all over them.
5. Ohio State — no bowl season is safe without ripping on the Suckeyes, especially after they dipped to 0-9 vs. the SEC in bowl games and lost their 2nd consecutive BCS Championship game. The parallels to last year’s loss to Florida were eerie — OSU scored 4 plays into the game, versus the opening kickoff last year. They went up 10-0 real quick and I was about to sign LSU’s participation award. But then, like all good Suckeye teams of the past, they wilted. But don’t worry, OSU fans — next year, you can come to Miami and lose the BCS to maybe Georgia.
Don’t worry, the pick is coming. But the glory of Super Bowl betting isn’t the spreads or the over/unders. It’s the prop bets!! I always bet heads, and that’s gone like 1 for the last 5 — money well spent, I tell ya. There’s also another one that I like which is the 9-1 odds that a kick will hit a goalpost or crossbar and be unsuccessful. It’s fun to root against that ball as it heads for the posts. But here are some props that I’d really like to see:
–Which will happen more — Eli Manning completions or Peyton Manning commercial spots (ugh)
–How many game minutes until the name ‘Tony Romo’ or ‘Jessica Simpson’ will be uttered
–Over/Under number of minutes between final putt dropping at FBR Open and Super Bowl kickoff. Vegas needs to get on that one because FBR is notorious for close finishes
–Will Tom Petty “roll another joint” during the halftime performance?
OK, enough of the buildup. I’d do a little bit more but then I’d be rivaling the endless 2 weeks of drivel that we’re subjected to on the ‘family of networks’. I was a little surprised when Vegas gave birth to that number following the championship games. I definitely think that the over of 53 will cover. And I certainly think that the Giants will cover the spread. In fact, I’m leaning toward putting a couple of bucks on them to win outright. The franchise was in this situation before when they shut down the high-octane Buffalo Buckeyes, er, Bills in Super Bowl XXV. However, the Pats know that situation too as they were big dogs to the Rams in Super Bowl XXXV and came out on top. When the chips have been down all season in the tough spots, the Pats have come through — the home game to the Eagles, the MNF game at Baltimore, and especially in the AFC title game against the Bolts when Brady just didn’t have it. I can’t see them folding in this game and it’ll take the Giants scoring on just about every drive for an upset to truly happen.
PICK — PATRIOTS
