Just as you thought you were done with spending yourself out of house and home and had survived the burning desire to hang yourself with that last spool of red ribbon, here comes V-Day!  Yup, another holiday that’ll drag you out to the mall and possibly over the cliff.

Lucky for you, you’re an obsessed fan of  Dr. Blogstein’s Radio Happy Hour and hang on our every word.  The next bunch of words should keep you outta the dog house and maybe even up on the trophy shelf (where you’ll be oiled, massaged and admired) until at least the end of February.

Let’s get to it then.

As heard on this week’s Radio Happy Hour!

The Simone Sinclaire segment begins at the 47:00 mark
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If you give nothing at all, just please do not ever even consider giving the following:

1. Ugly bears, cheap chocolate or cologne. This shouts, “thank goodness CVS was open late cuz I completely forgot you on Valentine’s Day”.
2. Anything in a small box, if your girlfriend is expecting a ring and you’re not planning on popping the question. A disappointed girlfriend can quickly turn into a resentful, sex-withholding one.
3. Sex toys or porn unless you are offering to shoot some porn of yourself using the toys.  (and send it to us for our recreational viewing pleasure – eewww, no don’t do that)
4. Coupons for sex or anything else that should be free (unless you’re an expensive prostitute).
5. Anything that’s really for you that you’re trying to pass off as something for them. Ladies, this means no spa trips and guys, nothing with a plug or cord attached to it.
6. Exercise videos, diet books, gym memberships, a scale.
7. Lingerie in the wrong size. Too small and you run the risk of making her feel fat.  Too big and you run the risk of making her feel inadequate.
   
8. The Cocksock! (right)  At first I thought that this fell into the same category as #7 but after considering Collette’s advice, I’ve resolved to include the Cocksock on my List of Amazing Gifts, if and only if, you purchase it a few sizes too big and offer it with a look of sheer amazement when the thing falls off his soldier.  You may want to add, “but I’ve never had anyone as big as you, so I just figured…”

And for the absolute worst Valentine’s Day gift ever. . .an STD!!!!!

So now that we know what not to do, how about the perfect gift to say “I love you and understand you”, perfectly.  Here’s my list of 5 that I have either received (quite graciously I might add) or given (to rave reviews).

1. In lieu of a fancy dinner at a pricey restaurant, try shopping for your own ingredients and cooking your honey’s fave meal at home. Decorate your pad, candlelight and mood music, service with a smile and then sit back and wait for the generous tip that your dinner guest will surely want to give.  You’ll save your pennies, get brownie points for not burning the brownies and not have to make out in the back seat of a dirty cab.  Your contingency plan may include:
   • Ordering in from a favorite restaurant.  For this one, it’ll be all about the presentation.
   • Order in early, make a mess and lie about slaving all day over a hot stove.  Don’t forget to dispose of the evidence (your own garbage bin won’t do).
   • One of those pretty frozen pizzas with a cool sounding Italian name.  The people in the commercials are always making sexy eyes at each other when eating their “its not delivery, its d….whatever”.  I would only consider this if you did in fact burn your first attempt and you guys are still hungry.
2. Instead of expensive floor seats at your home team’s next game, why not surprise your Valentine with a one-on-one session of their favorite sport. This should come complete with his and her (or her and her or his and his) opposing team jerseys, lots of sweat, a healthy dose of competition and some gratuitous cheerleading to get your opponent feeling like a star.  This gift says, “I love spending time with you and want to be into the things you care about”.  Awwwww!
3. The Radio Happy Hour crew wasn’t so keen on this gift, but this is my list, so its staying on!  In place of a boxed DVD set of your Valentine’s favorite tv show, go with the DVD’s and a night at home, cuddled up on the couch or in bed, where you’ll subject yourself to the horror that is a marathon of a show you likely hate. Something about the whole sacrificial lamb thing, suffering in the name of love, is just so sexy. (This works with video games too)
4. If sending your woman to the spa just ain’t in the budget this season, (and why would you want to when VDay is about spending time TOGETHER), try setting up an at home spa for her. This should start with a warm bath, essential oils, dim lights, soft music, floating petals (fresh not dried), a warm towel (make sure there aren’t any hot spots that will make her feel like she’s gone for a chemical peel), a massage (full body and no slacking), a mani/pedi.  If you don’t know how to give one, google it.  She’ll love you for trying to please make sure that you get the fast drying polish since nail polish on the sheets doesn’t come out.  Yes, next stop will absolutely be the sheets.
5. If you are willing to spend a bit of coin and feel safer just wrapping something up, visit www.wearyourmusic.org.  This site has a seriously impressive list of celebrity musicians from all of the world who have donated their used guitar strings which are then turned into custom made, and fierce looking bracelets.  Each artist chooses a charity to which a percentage of the sale of their bracelet is donated.  You can shop by charity that your Valentine might be into or artist that they enjoy listening to.  The custom made bracelets (which look hot on guys and gals) range in price from $50 to $500 and come complete with a presentation box and certificate of authenticity.  Information about the selected charity is also included.

Come to think of it, a donation to any non-profit that may be of particular importance to your significant other, would make a stellar gift.  You can make the donation in their name to commemorate your love.  Help for Haiti seems like a good start.  This gift speaks volumes about the type of person you are any even the type of person your Valentine has inspired you to be.  Anyone who doesn’t appreciate a gesture like this, doesn’t deserve a tangible gift at all.

Finally, always include a card. Homemade is best (just like those silly little cards we gave and got in grade school). BTW,  I asked my husband, Jonathan, what he thought of all this.  He said that he didn’t care what the gift was, as long as it came with sex.  Guess we know what he’s getting this year.

So, happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.  Hope you get what you want.  In case you don’t, you can always post it up at www.badgiftemporium.com.

XXX,OO

Simone Sinclaire aka, The Professor of Love.

Last night on the Radio Happy Hour, Jodi Lipper, one of two hot chicks to pen How to Love Like a Hot Chick, promised to begin an answer during her appearance this morning on the Today Show with the phrase, “As I said on Dr. Blogstein last night. . .”

Below is video of her and co author Cerina Vincent’s  appearance with Rabbi Shmuley Boteach on the Today Show.  Did she keep her promise?  Watch to find out. . .but, here’s a hint: The answer starts with an “N” and ends in an “O”.

Click play to listen to full Jodi Lipper’s full interview on Dr. Blogstein‘s Radio Happy Hour>>

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The following still photograph was posted on Vinny Bond’s blog, Bond’s Big Leather Couch.

What is most noticeable, aside from Vinny’s obvious need for a toe nail clipper, is the blurriness of the photograph. This leads me to believe that motion was involved and that this photo is actually a still from an unseen sex tape. We will continue to investigate.

Islam Porn: Prophet Muhammad’s Virgin Fantasy 72

UNWANTED FAN

March 20, 2008 — SEN. Hillary Clinton has an unwanted backer in her race for the presidency – Dennis Hof, owner of Nevada’s Moonlight Bunny Ranch brothel. On Internet radio show “Dr. Blogstein’s Radio Happy Hour,” Hof said, “It’s amazing to me that there is one woman in America who would not vote for her. Whether you like Hillary or not, this is going to change the women’s movement in America.” A man who runs a whorehouse must know how much the women’s movement needs changing. We wondered if Clinton would distance herself from Hof the way Sen. Barack Obama stiff-armed Louis Farrakhan, but her people didn’t reply.