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DATRES AT THE DESK: The Rants

Thursday, November 15th, 2007

DATRES AT THE DESK:
The Rants
By Chris Datres, special contributer to Radio Happy Hour
Email Chris Datres


LAST WEEK – 16-8 (9-3 college, 7-5 pro )

SEASON — 163-91 (90-44 college, 73-47 pro)

For what it’s worth, I’m only 7 games out of the lead in the pool that these picks are involved in. And that would be great for the person who I influence with these picks IF she would take my advice. Apparently, she was paying attention last week as she won the week. Hopefully she was smart enough not to take South Carolina or the Chiefs. And I guess just to spite me, the F-ing Chargers beat the Colts, though it took a pair of yakked field goals by Adam Vinatieri, one of the more dependable kickers in NFL history.

On another note, Notre Shame is now 1-9 having lost to Air Force, the first time they’ve been beaten by a pair of service academies in the same year since 1944. The Coast Guard and the Merchant Marine Academy are setting up programs now and making the call to South Bend to see if they’d be interested in a game. But that now sets up a game for the ages on NBC on Saturday – 1-9 Duke at 1-9 Notre Shame. I’m sure Coach K and Coach Brey will have their charges ready to take the court and should give us a really entertaining game. Hell, they might as well put the hoops teams out there because Duke and NS are statistically, 2 of the absolute worst offensive teams in all of Division 1-A.

Unfortunately, that game isn’t on the week’s schedule. The following games are for entertainment purposes only (especially if you knew my betting record for the year):

COLLEGE

Hawaii (9-0) at Nevada (5-4)

If a Hawaiian plays a slot machine in Reno, do the wheels come up coconut, coconut, hula girl? The Rainbows have been living on borrowed time as they attempt to weasel their way into the BCS. That will take going undefeated and this is their last road game before two tough ones at home. They’ve lived a charmed life in two of their road games (at LA Tech and at San Jose – both OT wins). There will be a lot of points here and if they can get off to a good start, Hawaii will still have a chance.

PICK – HAWAII

Kentucky (7-3) at Georgia (8-2)

Georgia coach Mark Richt has put together a pair of interesting motivational techniques the last 3 weeks. Against Florida, he told his players that they’d all run if they didn’t get a celebration penalty after their first touchdown. When they scored that first TD, the entire bench stormed the field and they got their flags. Last week against Auburn, they busted out the black jerseys for the first time ever. I’m not quite sure it was the jerseys that allowed them to come back from 20-17 down in the third quarter to win. So what will it be this week? Best statistical game gets a night with Ashley Judd? Hey, there’s an idea. Sign me up!!

PICK – GEORGIA

Ohio State (10-1) at Michigan (8-3)

Let me tell you how great a college football day it was last Saturday – Michigan lost, followed by Penn State winning, followed by Florida State losing, followed by Notre Dame losing, followed by Ohio State getting upset at home. So after all that, it rendered this game totally meaningless on the national stage because let’s face it, no one gives a crap about the weak Big Ten this year except to laugh at them. And since I usually root against the team with the most to gain by winning this game and no one has that anymore, I can root for the earthquake.

PICK – MOTHER NATURE (or since I have to…Ohio State)

Vanderbilt (5-5) at Krispy Kreme (7-3)

I’m not sure if Jack Daniels goes well with cream-filled glaze but in altered states, I might be willing to try it.

PICK – KRISPY KREME (Tennessee for those of you uninformed souls)

Maryland (5-5) at Florida State (6-4)

It’s senior day in Tallahassee and Criminoles fans everywhere are saying, “Good Riddance”.

PICK – FLORIDA STATE

Purdue (7-4) at Indiana (6-5)

If you want to know the history of the trophy they give away for this intrastate battle, go here. I’ve been trumpeting Indiana’s ‘Play 13′ goal inspired by the death of their head coach Terry Hoeppner which is the goal to play in a bowl game. They’re bowl eligible but I’m afraid a loss here will keep them out of the postseason mix.

PICK – INDIANA

BC-Frauds (8-2) at Clemson (8-2)

Had it not been for the miracle comeback against the Chokies 3 weeks ago, I probably wouldn’t be calling BC a bunch of frauds. Now, they’re in the position where they have to go to Death Valley and play against a team who notoriously folds the tents at this time of the year. And this game is for the right to go to the ACC title game. So many subplots and so many opportunities to change people’s minds.

PICK – CLEMSON

Wisconsin (8-3) at Minnesota (1-10)

If you want to learn more about the Paul Bunyan Ax, the trophy these two teams play for, go here. The funniest part about this rivalry is that when the game is over, the winning team sprints to the bench of the team who won the Ax the previous year and grabs it, sometimes even heading to the goalpost to “chop it down”. Given how bad the Gophers have been this year, can start parading that Ax around the Metrodome by midway through the second quarter.

PICK – WISCONSIN

West By God (8-1) at Cincinnati (8-2)

The Big East has come down to this game and West By God’s game against UCONN next week. Since they self-destructed against South Florida, the Mountaineers haven’t been stopped. Cincinnati put the clamps on UCONN at home last week and they’ll be in a full lather to snatch that Big East title. But I think the Inbreds are going to sneak out of the Queen City with this one.

PICK – WEST BY GOD

Mississippi State (6-4) at Arkansas (6-4)

This would be the final nail in Houston Nutt’s coffin if the Hogs yakked this game at home. Kudos to Sylvester Croom’s crew for starting out the season with a Pop Warner-like effort in a shutout loss to LSU but turning it around to bowl eligibility. Unfortunately, he’ll have to wait until the Egg Bowl to get win 7.

PICK – WOO PIG SOOEY (Arkansas)

Harvard (9-0) at Yale (7-2)

Not only are these hated rivals squaring off for the 124th time but this one has added significance – the loser has to give up their library. No, I’m kidding. The winner gets a box of beakers from the loser’s chemistry department. I jest again. Seriously, this is for the Ivy League title. Both teams are 6-0 in conference. Can you imagine how crazy it’ll be on the winner’s campus on Saturday night? They might stop studying for 5 minutes to acknowledge the victory!!

PICK – YALE

Penn State (8-3) at Michigan State (6-5)

Most people don’t know this but lost in the Old Oaken Bucket, Little Brown Jug, and Paul Bunyan Ax is the Land Grant Trophy, which PSU and MSU square off for every year. It’s so storied that I couldn’t find any history on the piece of metal. It’s called that because these were the first two land grant universities in America. So if you’ve never been to either place, I can tell you that there are a lot of farms. And if the wind is right, you can smell the one at Penn State from the bleachers. Maybe that’s the cows’ way of showing their disdain for the Nittany Lion offense.

PICK – PENN STATE (somewhat shaky)

NFL

F-ing Chargers (5-4) at Jags (6-3)

Had the Colts not played Dungyball on their last drive and Vinatieri not yakked the kick, they would have pulled off an amazing comeback against this worthless excuse of a team. SD, you’re still dead to me.

PICK – JAGS

Panthers (4-5) at Packers (8-1)

If not for the F-ing Chargers, I’d still be alive in the Eliminator after the hypothetical Seahawks pick last week. This week, the pick would have been the Packers and judging by my record with the Panthers this year, I probably would have gone out this week. By the way, the Bears are still the only team to beat GB this year and it was at Lambeau. If we don’t make the playoffs, at least the season was made with that.

PICK – PACKERS

Giants (6-3) at God Squad (6-3)

Nothing spoils Thanksgiving dinner more than…oh wait, I’m a week early with that line. I’ll save it for Week 13. God’s team rushed for negative yardage last week against the Cardinals. I’m thinking that probably doesn’t bode well when it comes time to play a very angry Giants team.

PICK – GIANTS

Saints (4-5) at Texans (4-5)

Since the Saints decided to play Santa to the Lambs last week, I wonder if they have any more gifts in the sack for Houston. Maybe a lump of coal, perhaps?

PICK – SAINTS

Brownies (5-4) at Crows (4-5)

This game doesn’t quite have the cache as it does when it’s in Cleveland. Somehow, the Brownies are favored in this one and if I know anything about the NFL this year, it’s beware of the home dog. Problem is, the Crows offense have played like a bunch of dogs for the last 4-5 games. I’m not sure they can outscore the Brownies but it’s tough to go against them at home.

PICK – CROWS

Bucs (5-4) at Falcons (3-6)

So we’re only four weeks away from Michael Vick’s next court date. I don’t know about you but I’m really looking forward to that MNF game in Atlanta on the same day where they talk all about that rather than the game. Though, if you’ve seen the Falcons this year, the court news might be more entertaining than the game. As for this one, I don’t think there are enough collars in the world to keep the fleas and ticks off this one.

PICK – BUCS

Cards (4-5) at Bungles (3-6)

The Bungles scored a nice round number of points last week – 21. To the uninformed observer, it looks like 3 touchdowns. But oh no, the Bungles offense is so bad, they got those points on 7 field goals. Add in the fact that they were playing the Crows and you had a game that was like watching grass grow.

PICK – BUNGLES

Raiders (2-7) at Vikings (3-6)

Daunte Culpepper gets the start in his return to the Metrodome. It’s too bad for the Vikings that Adrian Peterson got hurt. He could have easily set the rookie rushing record. That pretty much takes the luster off this game as both these teams need some help on the offensive end.

PICK – VIKINGS

Skins (5-4) at Cowgirls (8-1)

When Joe Gibbs decided to come back to the Skins I wonder if he envisioned it being a struggle for the last three years. I think he’d rather be in Homestead watching his race team circle the track in the last NASCAR race of the season. As it is, I think the Cowgirls offense will run plenty of hot laps around that Skins defense.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Bears (4-5) at Seahawks (5-4)

My ‘over 10 wins’ bet is still in play but Rex re-takes the reins at quarterback this week. If you saw what the Seahawks did to poor Alex Smith on Monday night, you can see why I’ll be tearing up that ticket on Sunday night. So Seattle, here’s your revenge for losing in overtime in the playoffs last year.

PICK – SEAHAWKS

Same old SORRY ASS Rams (1-8) at 49ers (2-7)

The Rams broke some hearts last week when they got their first win of the year and thus eliminating 300 people’s hopes of a quarter million bones. I’d be shocked if anyone dares watch this game on TV. Isn’t there yard work or a bathroom to paint or something?

PICK – SAME OLD SORRY ASS RAMS

Titans (6-3) at Mules (4-5)

The Mules have been so enigmatic this year. They really had no business beating the Chefs on the road last week. Vince Young has been doing a good job living up to the Madden Curse. He hasn’t gotten severely hurt yet but he’s been killing fantasy teams across the country.

PICK — MULES

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DATRES AT THE DESK: The Rants

Thursday, November 8th, 2007

DATRES AT THE DESK:
The Rants
By Chris Datres, special contributer to Radio Happy Hour



LAST WEEK – 19-5 (9-3 college, 10-2 pro)

SEASON — 147-83 (81-41 college, 66-42 pro)

Dear San Diego Chargers Football Organization,

Let me start by saying that you all should go flip yourselves. How is it that you go 14-2 last year with a bye in the playoffs and then when you lose to the dynasty that is the Patriots, you decide to fire a perfectly good coach? OK, I understand that Marty Schottenheimer may have had his shortcomings when it came to playoff games but you don’t just go 14-2 by accident in the NFL these days. So instead of giving a good look around at the candidates that were out there, you went out and selected Norv Turner, who couldn’t win an intrasquad game. I don’t think I need to explain the mere coincidence that you are now 4-4 with virtually the same team as last year. Norv Turner is a POISON!! He’s perfect for calling plays in a singular offense as a coordinator but put him in charge of an entire team and he is AWFUL!! So until you jettison this piece of garbage back to some high school that plays 8-man football in the middle of Nebraska, my prayer is that your organization FAILS at everything you do. In the words of Ron Burgundy, “Go F yourself, San Diego.”

Why the vitriol for a team that wasn’t even on last week’s schedule, especially after a sparkling 19-win week? Well, as I’ve been hinting at for the last few weeks, I’ve been involved in an Eliminator pool. The total purse is roughly a quarter-million dollars. I had the F-ing Chargers last week and basically went against every rule in my book. And as I stated above, it comes from the coaching. I think any educated football fan knows that the Vikings are one-dimensional. For God’s sake, they start Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback!! So who do they have to stop? That’s right, Adrian Peterson, who happens to be the second-coming of their own great back, LaDainian Tomlinson. Adrian Peterson ran for an NFL-record 296 yards in the game. Philip Rivers is pretty much a fraud and looked as competent as Jackson in a 4th quarter meltdown. The F-ing Chargers (as they will be known the rest of the season) lost 31-17 and my dream of endless riches will have to wait another year.

In other news, I got so wrapped up in something else that I completely forgot to finish my thoughts on the Navy-Notre Dame game. I wanted to say that the Middies hadn’t beaten the Domers since 1963 and that this would be likely their best shot to end the streak. I was also going to say that Navy always has something happen in their games with ND when they get close that causes them to ultimately lose the game. Saturday, that luck turned when Charlie Weis decided to not kick a field goal and watched as his quarterback was sacked by an acrobatic linebacker. Fast forward to the third overtime and the Middies stuffed the Irish 2-point attempt that would have extended the game. Needless to say, there are some extra long novenas being held in the Notre Dame chapels.

On with the picks and no, I won’t pat myself on the back after a 19-win week…not when there was money that was lost.

COLLEGE

TCU (5-4) at BYU (6-2)

It’s another edition of a holy war in the Mountain West – Christians vs. Mormons. So I wonder if the TCU players will plead for the BYU players to repent for taking so many wives. Is the Gatorade bucket on the Horny Toads sideline filled with holy water? After a tackle, does a Cougars player lecture the running back about converting? See, these are the questions that need to be asked on media day.

PICK – BYU

Auburn (7-3) at Georgia (7-2)

The road team has ruled this matchup in past years. Georgia controls their own destiny to play in the SEC title game. But they’re also playing this game at home. Auburn has shown a penchant for being a rude guest (see Florida and LSU games). I think they should at least be hospitable and bring a covered dish. It is the South, ya know.

PICK – GEORGIA

Wake (6-3) at Clemson (7-2)

I get so bored with ACC football. There’s nothing fun about it. But I’ve heard it’s impossible not to have fun at Clemson’s Death Valley. It’s loud, the women are beautiful, and since it’s November, you’re guaranteed to see the homestanding Tigers melt down. That would be a shame if that happened here since Clemson controls their own destiny for the ACC title game.

PICK – CLEMSON

Carolina (3-6) at NC State (4-5)

If I have to pick one more ACC game that should double as a pillow fight instead, I’ll start raving against this conference as a football FRAUD.

PICK – NC STATE

Arkansas (6-3) at Tennessee (6-3)

This is another great matchup of food – Barbecue vs. Krispy Kreme. They both taste good, they’re both fattening, and afterwards, you’ve really got to brush your teeth. If the Vols can somehow stop Hogs running back Darren McFadden, they should win easily. UT’s defense, though, hasn’t exactly been on par that much this year.

PICK – TENNESEE (shaky)

Kansas State (5-4) at Nebraska (4-6)

How bad is it in Nebraska right now? They’re sending shipments of fur coats to Hell because Big Red never thought they’d see the day when anyone would hang 76 on their beloved football team. It’s so bad that pee-wee teams are lining up at the Memorial Stadium gates chomping at the bit to get a crack at that Cornshucker defense. Hopefully next week, I’ll be able to add more items to the list of Nebraska’s woes.

PICK – K STATE

Air Force (7-3) at Notre Shame (1-8)

I don’t think I need to pile on the Domers. But they haven’t lost to two service academies in the same year since 1947. And unless they can figure out a way to stop the option, they’ll break that streak too. But this Irish ineptitude begs the question – just how bad is UCLA that the Irish somehow went on the road and won? After the Bruins yakfest at Arizona last week, I think Karl Dorrell will have a new job next year.

PICK – AIR FORCE

Virginia (8-2) at Miami (5-4)

I’d invoke my ‘this conference is a football fraud’ rant promised above but this game actually has some merit. This is the last football game to be played in the storied Orange Bowl. This stadium has hosted many a classic game including Jets-Colts 1969, the Flutie play in 1984, a pair of Steelers Super Bowl wins, and Kevin Thompson to Chafie Fields for an improbable PSU win in 1999. Sorry, I had to stick that one in there. This game will probably end like a classic because Virginia doesn’t believe in winning games by more than a field goal.

PICK – VIRGINIA

Florida (6-3) at So-Car (6-4)

This game is always intriguing now because the Old Ball Coach gets to face his alma mater. He looks about as comfortable playing against them as he would if he was passing a kidney stone. And I’m sure if that stone fell incomplete, he’d toss his visor. Last week, the Cocks couldn’t contain Arkansas’s running game so it would stand to argue that they will have trouble with Florida’s spread offense. However, OBC is 1-1 against Florida and the loss came because last year’s kicker couldn’t get it over the line of scrimmage without getting it blocked. I got a sneaky suspicion that he’ll kick it higher this year.

PICK – SO-CAR

Kansas (9-0) at Oak State (5-4)

TAKE THE OVER!!! Kansas treated Nebraska like a pinball game last week racking up points and yards at an amazing clip. Oak State can light up the scoreboard too but as we found out against Texas, they don’t know how to stop anyone when the pressure’s on. The Chickenhawks have mastered every obstacle thus far and Missouri is looming ahead.

PICK – ROCK CHALK CHICKENHAWK

BC (8-1) at Maryland (4-5)

Nice to see that BC waited a week to show their true fraudulation. I mean, I had to put some money down on them to beat Florida State in a cold, windy rain at home with the national lights on them. Once again, it goes to show you that you should never gamble. It just makes you cranky like me.

PICK — BC

USC (7-2) at Cal (6-3)

Four weeks ago, this shaped up to be the game of the century in the Pac-10. It was set to be a matchup of Heisman Trophy contenders in John David Booty and DeSean Jackson. Gameday had its airline tickets punched for Berkeley. Hell, even the tree people who are trying to save the oaks outside Memorial Stadium were about to show some true school spirit. Now it’s November 10th. The game of the century in the conference was last week in Eugene with the Ducks winning. The tree people could care less about the football program again. And what’s worse, Gameday is staying in their own timezone and is attending the massive tilt between…Amherst and Williams. Bet the SAT battles between those schools would be must-see TV.

PICK – USC

NFL

Eagles (3-5) at Skins (5-3)

Since a judge labeled Andy Reid’s house a ‘drug emporium’, I wonder if the coach will place a call to former Washington mayor Marion Barry while he’s in town for the game. Ya know, get some pointers on how to operate one of those things.

PICK – SKINS

Bills (4-4) at Fish (0-8)

The Fish are going to get one sometime soon. They almost stole one from the lazy Giants in London two weeks ago. They’re coming off a bye week and if they’re smart, they send some South Beach hotties to the Bills hotel on Saturday night for some, ahem, prep work.

PICK – BILLS

Vikings (3-5) at Packers (7-1)

Gee, you think the Packers coaching staff is smart enough to realize who the Vikings’ main weapon is? I think their 7-1 record proves just how smart they really are unlike a certain team out west.

PICK – PACKERS

Mules (3-5) at Chefs (4-4)

Only in the AFC West could this game be a fight for first place in the division. There’s more mediocrity here than in the Vegas Fantasy League that I’m currently ruling. Speaking of fantasy – you might want to pick up Priest Holmes because he’s going to make his first start in over 2 years and the Mules rush defense is about as good as the f-ing Chargers.

PICK – CHEFS

Brownies (5-3) at Steelers (6-2)

No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you. That really is the Cleveland Brownies that are just a game behind the Steelers for first place in the AFC North. And come about 4:30 on Sunday afternoon, they’ll be 2 games behind the Steelers.

PICK – STEELERS

Jags (5-3) at Titans (6-2)

I don’t know what possessed me to select the Panthers over the Titans last week. And as is tradition, I got a Panthers game wrong. Fortunately, they’re not on the docket this week. This one has ‘under’ written all over it and the real question is not whether David Garrard starts at quarterback but which team’s cheerleaders are hotter. I think the word ‘push’ comes to mind…only in the betting sense of the word, of course.

PICK – TITANS

Bungles (2-6) at Crows (4-4)

Chris Henry just can’t stay out of trouble. Just days after being reinstated following his 8-game suspension, he gets into another altercation. I guess going through the motions in practice just doesn’t have the same violent edge as say, a night on the town in the Queen City. He and Ray Lewis could make an awesome gangsta team.

PICK – CROWS

Cowgirls (7-1) at Giants (6-2)

Are you like me? Do you sit there when the Cowgirls play on NBC on Sunday night and wonder just how much “fluid” Al Michaels and John Madden have to wipe off their faces after, ahem, “praising” Tony Romo all night long. It’s beyond sickening. And I think Romo’s a great guy but I’m beginning to root for a really hard hit pretty soon.

PICK – COWGIRLS

God Squad (6-2) at Cards (3-5)

Did you see Detroit’s Shawn Rogers score a touchdown on a pick last week? Mr. Rogers is roughly 300 pounds and he was lumbering down the field at an alarming pace – almost like someone had a large steak on a string and was pulling it ahead of him as bait to get into the end zone. That’s the kind of motivation we like to see out of a team that has made Thanksgivings go bad for numerous years.

PICK – CARDS

Bears (3-5) at Raiders (2-6)

This is what I have to root for the rest of the season – the Bears have to win 8 straight for me to collect on my ‘over 10 wins’ prop bet. With the circus that has become their team this year, I think I’ll be tearing up that ticket by next week. They couldn’t possibly lose to the Raiders, could they?

PICK – BEARS

Colts (7-1) at F-ing Chargers (4-4)

After that bouquet of roses I just sent to the city of San Diego, do you really need to ask who I’m picking in this game?

PICK – COLTS

49ers (2-6) at Seahawks (4-4)

If I had an eliminator pick left, this very well could be the game I’d pick this week. The 49ers are so bad that they’re about ready to dig up Bill Walsh and extract brain cells to be implanted into Mike Nolan’s head just to see if there’s any hint of an offensive imagination left. Certainly a dead man could call a better game than what SF has put out there this season.

PICK — SEAHAWKS

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DATRES AT THE DESK: The Rants

Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
DATRES AT THE DESK:
The Rants

By Chris Datres, special contributer to Radio Happy Hour
Email Chris Datres

LAST WEEK – 12-12 (5-7 college, 7-5 pro )

SEASON — 128-78 (72-38 college, 56-40 pro)

OK, welcome to week 10. Damn, it’s November already!! In 4 quick weeks, this college season is going to be pretty much over. Didn’t it just start?? Anyway, I talked about the frauds of college football last week and amazingly, all 3 decided to win giving me a 1-2 record in the fraud games. So judging by my mediocre record the last two weeks, the only fraud around here is me.

We move on to week 10 and unfortunately, one of my favorite games to make fun of is not on the schedule – Oregon State at USC. It’s one of the only times of the year when I can tell people to watch how the Trojans pound the Beavers and not get in trouble for it. I’d like to thank ESPN Gameday researcher Chris Fallica for providing that little joke a number of years ago. It will have perpetual life. Another game not on the board is Notre Dame-Navy. The Middies haven’t beaten the Irish

As for the mailbag, I had one person send me an actual line. She said I mentioned to drop a line and that’s exactly what she did. So Nadyne from Ocala, Florida, your witty ‘line’ is our e-mail of the week! Prizes decided after the season.

COLLEGE

LSU (7-1) at Alabama (6-2)

Normally, this game would only be touted as a battle for the inside track in the SEC West for the conference championship game. Oh no, this one is much juicier. Bama’s Nick Saban faces off for the first time the school that he brought back to prominence. Tigers fans were pissed at him for leaving to go to the Dolphins in 2005 and then infuriated them more by taking the job at Alabama this year. I would expect LSU to bring some extra spice to make damn sure that they win this game because if they should lose, they may not be let back into Baton Rouge.

PICK – LSU

Wisconsin (7-2) at Ohio State (9-0)

After the Suckeyes dismantling of Penn State last week, I refuse to call them frauds anymore. But I’ll be rooting hard for Michigan in three weeks when those two square off. I am now going to wash my mouth out with battery acid.

PICK – OHIO STATE

Wake Forest (6-2) at Virginia (7-2)

Well, all those close games finally caught up with Virginia last week when they yakked away a road game to winless-in-conference NC State. That loss at least kept my Virginia Tech bet to win the ACC alive, though, I’d like to strangle the Chokies roster after they cost me in last week’s yak fest in Blacksburg. I guess choking runs in the family in Virginia.

PICK – VIRGINIA

Purdue (7-2) at Penn State (6-3)

This just in – the Suckeyes just scored again on PSU. The atmosphere was great in Happy Valley last Saturday night but unfortunately, the Lions didn’t attend their own party. Now Purdue brings there high-octane passing game into Beaver Stadium and they’re probably still pissed about getting shutout in their meeting with PSU last year. It won’t be a shutout but I’ve got a feeling PSU’s defense will be awfully angry in this one.

PICK – PENN STATE

Michigan (7-2) at Michigan State (5-4)

Puh-leeeeeeze. Do you really think the Referines are going to blow their undefeated record in conference against a team that you can set the calendar by when they go into their tailspin? It must be October 31st because Sparty is 1-4 in conference. Oops, make that 1-5.

PICK – MICHIGAN

Texas (7-2) at Oklahoma State (5-3)

I’M A MAN!! I’M 40!! Ya just can’t get enough of hearing Mike Gundy’s rant. It’ll last forever in the annals of college football. And he’ll go off on another rant if his Pokes lose their status as tied in the Big XII South with their friends, the Sooners. Psssst, I don’t want to break this to you but the Horns aren’t that good. Hell, if Jamaal Charles doesn’t run for over 200 yards in the fourth quarter alone last week, they lose to Nebraska.

PICK – OAK STATE

UCLA (5-3) at Arizona (3-6)

This is the battle of the coaches trying to save their job. Arizona’s Mike Stoops didn’t get the good coaching genes that his brother Bob received. Karl Dorrell saved himself last year with a win against USC. He has spent that insurance and then some with losses to Utah, Washington State (both road games), and Notre Shame. These guys just aren’t road warriors. But yet they still find some way to rise from the dead. I’ll give them one more chance…not that it’ll save Dorrell’s job at the end of the year.

PICK – UCLA

Maryland (4-4) at North Carolina (3-5)

This is the battle between two teams I wouldn’t get caught dead watching on a Saturday afternoon…unless there was a court, 2 baskets, and Roy Williams and Gary Williams on the sidelines.

PICK – CAROLINA

Missouri (7-1) at Colorado (5-4)

My friend (and Missouri alum) Alan was telling me today that Mizzou hasn’t won in Boulder since 1997, when he and a friend traveled to Boulder on a whim, dressed as Missouri fans for Halloween (very original), and got kicked out of a bar on the CU campus. It’s a bit far for him to do that now but I don’t think he’ll need to try to extend that karma.

PICK – MISSOURI

Arizona State (8-0) at Oregon (7-1)

Those of you who thought in September that this would be the game of the year in the Pac-10, raise your hand. I didn’t think so. If not for a fumble through the end zone in the last minute to now-exposed Cal, this would be a battle of undefeateds. It’s too bad that not many Oregon games show up on TV because you really need to watch their QB Dennis Dixon. He very well could win the Heisman and the Ducks could certainly find their way to the BCS title game in New Orleans. This just in – ESPN has picked this game up for a 6:30 start. I beg you to tune in.

PICK – AFLAC!! (Oregon)

Rutgers (5-3) at UCONN (7-1)

OK, how long is this UCONN charade going to last? I think they sold me last week when they took down South Florida. Rutgers looked like garbage against West Virginia at home last week in the wet conditions. Who would have thought that no one would pay much attention to basketball at this time of the year on the UCONN campus?

PICK – UCONN

South Carolina (6-3) at Arkansas (5-3)

If that large lineman for Tennessee hadn’t tracked down that late fumble on the Vols final drive last week, South Carolina would hold the inside track to the SEC title game out of the East. Instead, now they have to go to WOOOOOOOOOOO PIG SOOEY and not only deal with a bunch of screamin rednecks but also with a desperate team trying to hold on to faint bowl hopes.

PICK – SO-CAR

NFL

Bungles (2-5) at Bills (3-4)

The good news for the Bungles is that if any of them run afoul of the law, it’s only a short trip across the border to Canada in order to avoid the charges. I hear the Hamilton Tiger-Cats are a pretty competitive team in the CFL.

PICK – BILLS

49ers (2-5) at Falcons (1-6)

This puppy is woofin’ worse than that big German Shepherd in the alley. Anyone who decides to watch this game should be either spayed or neutered.

PICK – FALCONS

Mules (3-4) at God’s Team (5-2)

The Lions, aka God’s Team are now halfway home to QB/Bible thumper Jon Kitna’s stated boast of 10 wins. And with the way the Mules secondary allows deep passes, I’d think that Kitna should have some fun pitching it around the yard.

PICK – God

Packers (6-1) at Chefs (4-3)

Call this one Beer & Cheese vs. Barbecue. While I would side with barbecue in a pick-em, beer and cheese has one big thing going for them – Bret Favre. I think someone found the Fountain of Youth in the offseason.

PICK – PACK

Jags (5-2) at Saints (3-4)

It doesn’t bode well for the Eliminator when you really want to go against Quinn Gray on the road here but then he comes out and has a serviceable game against a tough Bucs defense on the road. Can he do it twice in a row. Can I risk a quarter million bones on a Saints team that just might now be finding their stride? I’ll tell you next week. I still don’t know yet!!

PICK – SAINTS

Skins (4-3) at Jets (1-7)

We’d like to welcome Kellen Clemens to the role as new starting QB for the Jets. There won’t be high expectations of him and that could bode well. The Skins are still smarting from the hammering they received from New England. This game just screams upset but I’m going to stick to chalk and probably pay for it.

PICK – SKINS

Panthers (4-3) at Titans (5-2)

I finally got a Panthers game correct!! OK, they were playing the Colts, it was a pretty obvious pick. This one isn’t as obvious, especially since Vince Young has been really bad this season and has helped kill my Amish Rakefighters team in the JFFL. I’m going out on a limb on this one. Cats play well on the road and their defense will likely give Vince fits. I will now cover my eyes.

PICK – PANTHERS

Cards (3-4) at Bucs (4-4)

Here’s another Eliminator candidate. Seemed like a good idea last week but then the Bucs laid numerous eggs in the red zone against the Jags and the Cards are coming off a bye week which means gunslinger Kurt Warner has had an extra week to rest that ailing left elbow. The Bucs can’t go into their bye week on a 3-game losing streak or else Chucky’s head might explode. But can I really rely on the Bucs to allow me to survive? I mean, they killed me the first year I did an Eliminator when they yakked away a Thursday night game to the Lions. Since then, I haven’t been this far into the season.

PICK – BUCS

Texans (3-5) at Raiders (2-5)

This game is at 4:15 Eastern. Why are you watching it?

PICK – RAIDERS

Patriots (8-0) at Colts (7-0)

When you can be watching Super Bowl 41 ½. I don’t think much needs to be said about this one but when it comes down to it, would you rather put your money on a guy who gets a girl pregnant and then breaks up with her or a guy who sits there and tries to give you pep talks like he’s some sort of guru. I’m going with the guy who scores a lot. Hey, 7 points is 7 points, right?

PICK – PATSIES

Cowgirls (6-1) at Eagles (3-4)

Tony Romo was just rewarded with a new 6-year contract. Now he can afford to take Carrie Underwood out to Cracker Barrel instead of settling for a McDonald’s Happy Meal. By the way, if anyone is looking for some extra batteries for the winter, head to the Linc in Philly because I’m sure the fans will have them ready to toss at Terrell Owens upon his return to the city of Brotherly Love.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Crows (4-3) at Steelers (5-2)

This might be an Eliminator pick but I’ve used the Steelers already. They often play well on Monday night BUT the Crows always seem to give the Black & Gold fits when they play them in the ‘Burgh. Nevertheless, Pittsburgh’s D should flatten Boller, McNair, Dilfer, Bert Jones, or anyone else who takes the helm for B-more.

PICK — STEELERS

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DATRES AT THE DESK: The Rants

Thursday, October 25th, 2007
DATRES AT THE DESK:
The Rants

By Chris Datres, special contributer to Radio Happy Hour
Email Chris Datres

LAST WEEK – 12-12 (6-6 college, 6-6 pro)

SEASON — 116-66 (67-31 college, 49-35 pro)

OK, so maybe the idea of going with an all-links edition of The Rants didn’t work so well. I was too focused on providing good examples for each game that I didn’t really concentrate on making the picks. Maybe that makes me a fraud. And that’s pretty convenient this week because this could be considered the week in which 3 undefeated college football teams are also exposed as frauds. More on that later.

This week, I will be attending my second college game of the year – the annual drunkfest that is the Florida-Georgia game in Jacksonville. For me, it’ll be a special doubleheader of tailgating as I will get drunk prior to that football game, go into the stadium and watch the game, and then come back out and tailgate before the biggest game of the day – the night contest between Ohio State and Penn State. Don’t worry, I’ll have plenty to say about that game coming up as it is also on this week’s schedule.

Before we get to the picks, I want to hear from YOU. If you read this even in passing, shoot me a message. Or just shoot me, one or the other. The best messages from this week will find their way into next week’s edition.

COLLEGE

Boston College (7-0) at Virginia Tech (6-1)

Here is Exhibit A in my case against fraudulent teams. Boston College hasn’t exactly beaten a murderer’s row of teams to get to 7-0 and 2 in the BS standings. In fact, they barely squeaked one out against UMASS at home last month. So they expect to walk out of Blacksburg on a Thursday night under the ESPN lights 8-0? That’s not bloody likely. Thanks for coming out, BC, you still have your Flutie days.

PICK – VIRGINIA TECH

Boise State (6-1) at Fresno State (5-2)

If you like scoring, this could be your type of game. But if you’re single and you like to score, you best not be watching this game because that would mean you’re on your couch on a Friday night and unless you plan on inviting a hooker over, you likely won’t be scoring.

PICK – FRESNO

North Carolina (2-5) at Wake Forest (5-2)

In about 2 months, this is going to be a hell of a matchup on the hardwood. Carolina would win that type of game. But when there’s grass and lines, only a team with a crazed, drugged-out mascot that looks like this will come out on top.

PICK – WAKE

Indiana (5-3) at Wisconsin (6-2)

You’ve got to start feeling for the Indiana team. They’re one win away from fulfilling their late coach’s dream of playing 13 games this season, which means they’d be playing in a bowl game for the first time since 1993. But for the second straight year, they’re stuck on 5 wins. Last year, they got to 5 and lost their last 3 games of the year. They’re currently on a 2-game losing streak and Camp Randall isn’t the greatest place to try and break that streak. However, it is a pretty good place for a brat and some beer. And maybe some cheese. And some streudel.

PICK – WISCONSIN

West Virginia (6-1) at Rutgers (5-2)

I’d like to apologize to Ray Rice for doubting his ability to run through the South Florida defense last week. He’s now hung 400 yards on the Bulls in the last 2 years. Now his Knights are invaded by West By-God who have been awfully quiet since losing to USF last month. It looks pretty even but if you line up the Mountaineers mascot’s musket against Jersey boy’s elephant gun, I think you know who wins that battle.

PICK – WEST VIRGINIA

South Florida (6-1) at Connecticut (6-1)

I never thought I’d see the day when these two teams were locking horns for first place in the Big East. USF decided not to bring their run defense to Piscataway last week in their loss to Rutgers. UCONN used an invalid fair-catch signal to cheat their way to victory against Louisville (though, the Cards’ porous defense in the last 8 minutes certainly didn’t help them either). I think I’ll pick this game based on standard of living. I like living in South Florida (ok, Central Florida…work with me here). I wasn’t a big fan of living in Connecticut.

PICK – SOUTH FLORIDA

Florida (5-2) at Georgia (5-2)

This game is referred to as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party because people begin arriving in their RV’s for this game on Tuesday. As I write this, RV city is already packed to the gills with plenty of coolers containing adult beverages. I hope there are enough left for when I get there on Friday. As for the game itself, Florida’s won 16 of the last 18 in the series and it really pains me to see the looks on the Georgia girls’ faces after the game. I think this year I might just have to try and comfort them.

PICK – FLORIDA

Clemson (5-2) at Maryland (4-3)

I was secretly pleased to see the Twerps allow a quarterback who wasn’t even on the depth chart to beat them with a last-minute drive last week. If Coach Friedgen would spend as much time on his game plan as he did in front of the fridge, maybe they wouldn’t lose such games. As for Clemson, no team is a better example of Jekyll-and-Hyde as these guys. I’d like to officially call this game a toss-up – as in I’m going to toss something up because I have to pick it.

PICK – TWERPS

South Carolina (6-2) at Tennessee (4-3)

Spurrier has had Krispy Kreme’s number over the years. His tweaks have been memorable including his contention that Orlando is the Vols’ winter home because you can’t spell Citrus Bowl without U-T. It’s gotten so bad for The Glazed One that Spurrier even beat him in Neyland Stadium back in 2005, the first time So-Car had ever won there. So now after both teams come off of horrific losses (So-Car at home to Vandy and Tennessee destroyed at Bama), what gives? In this crazy world of the SEC, it stands to reason that the only guarantee is that you have to yak one game at home. This one will be Tennessee’s.

PICK – SOUTH CAROLINA

Cal (5-2) at Arizona State (7-0)

I now present you with Exhibit B in my case against fraudulent teams. Actually, it could be Exhibits B and C as Cal showed their true colors once again in a pair of ugly losses to Oregon State and UCLA the last two weeks. Now it’s Arizona State’s turn. Many experts figured they’d be 7-0 when this game rolled around and I’d say 95% of those experts figured that Cal would be undefeated as well. I do know one thing about this game – there will be a lot of scoring. As for the winner, I think ASU just might have the horses…at least for this game.

PICK – ARIZONA STATE

USC (6-1) at Oregon (6-1)

This right here is the second-best game of the day in college football. If it wasn’t a Pac-10 game, Gameday would likely be there instead of where they are going this week. With the exception of their exhibition game against Notre Shame last week, the Trojans have scuffled through their other two games. Oregon is hitting their stride nicely and are just a fumbled ball out of the endzone away from being undefeated. Add in the quarterback uncertainty at USC plus having to play at VERY LOUD Autzen Stadium and I think it’s too much for Troy to handle. And by the way – Oregon girls are vastly underrated.

PICK – OREGON

Ohio State (8-0) at Penn State (6-2)

And this would be Exhibit D in my case against fraudulent teams. Just what has Ohio State done to earn their 1 ranking? They did win the Ohio state championship by beating such heavyweights as Kent State, Akron, and Youngstown State. Yes they beat Purdue and Washington on the road but those two teams aren’t exactly all that great. So now they walk into Beaver Stadium having not lost a regular season game since 2005 at…Beaver Stadium. It’s about time Penn State lays the smack down on them again, especially in front of Gameday, a national TV audience, and a student section completely clad in white. I plan on being totally wasted by the time this game ends.

PICK – PENN STATE

NFL

Lions (4-2) at Bears (3-4)

Every time I see an Eagles fan now, I’m just going to look at them, smile, and say, ‘97 yards, 1:50 to go, no timeouts.’ That’s all I need to say and it’s really funny. Of course, Lions fans could just say to me ‘4th quarter, 34 points’ and it’ll make me cry.

PICK – BEARS

Steelers (4-2) at Bungles (2-4)

The Bungles are just brutal. Had Chad Pennington not decided to play for both teams last week, the Jets would have picked them off. They can’t make the same mistakes against a good team like the Steelers and expect to win. And I secretly wonder if Carson Palmer sees those black and gold jerseys and his knee twinges just a little.

PICK – STEELERS

Giants (5-2) vs. Fish (0-7) at London

ELIMINATOR PICK OF THE WEEK. The sad thing about this game is that Miami has to go all the way to London to get their ass kicked. But at least maybe they’ll get some culture along the way.

PICK – GIANTS

Eagles (2-4) at Vikings (2-4)

Surely the Eagles can stop Tarvaris Jackson’s potent passing attack, right? Jackson will even spot them a few yards due to a broken finger on his throwing hand. But if the Eagles couldn’t stop Brian Griese, can they really stop an injured Jackson? Oh wait, Jackson isn’t the second coming of Randall Cunningham or anything. Just stop Adrian Peterson and you’ll be fine.

PICK – EAGLES (covering my eyes)

Brownies (3-3) at Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (0-7)

I’ve seen better pillowfights in the sorority house. Anyone caught watching this game should be relegated to lawn duty the rest of the fall.

PICK – Same Old SORRY ASS Rams

Colts (6-0) at Panthers (4-2)

OK, you all know my history with the Panthers this season. Will the Colts get caught looking ahead to next week’s showdown against the Patriots? If their defense can’t contain either old man Testaverde or a banged-up Carr, then I just have the total jinx this season.

PICK – COLTS

Raiders (2-4) at Titans (4-2)

I almost made this one my Eliminator pick but I’ve already had one heart attack in that pool watching the Raiders on the road and I’m not about to put my money in the hands of a team that nearly yakked away a 25-point lead last week to the Texans. By the way, Titans kicker Rob Bironas kicked an NFL-record 8 field goals last week. I haven’t seen that much kicking since that girl was trying to get away from me on the dance floor. My shins still haven’t recovered.

PICK – TITANS

Jags (4-2) at Bucs (4-3)

It’s the battle of the two competent Florida teams but unfortunately for the Jags, they have an incompetent quarterback. David Garrard is out a month with an ankle and Florida A&M graduate Quinn Gray will get his first start. I can’t think of many defenses I wouldn’t want my first start against than the Bucs. Now if only the Bucs can score. I smell a lot of field goals in this one.

PICK – BUCS

Redskins (4-2) at Patriots (7-0)

When Randy Moss was a Viking, he walked off the field before the game ended in a loss to the Redskins. He can do the same thing on Sunday but this time, it will be after catching the touchdown pass to put the Pats up 45-10. It’s just another tune-up for Super Bowl 41 ½ taking place in Indy next week.

PICK – PATRIOTS

Bills (2-4) at Jets (1-6)

Wow, two pillow fight games in the same week!! The world should be so blessed.

PICK – JETS

Saints (2-4) at 49ers (2-4)

The suits at NBC are probably hi-fiving each other that the World Series is going on this week and thus, they won’t have to worry about showing this game to the rest of the country. The bright side of this game is that someone will win their third game of the year.

PICK – SAINTS

Packers (5-1) at Broncos (3-3)

If the Rockies are able to win just one game between now and Sunday, we will have a first in the world of sports – a Monday Night Football game and a World Series game taking place at the same time in the same city. If you live in Denver, how do you choose what to watch? Maybe it will depend on what the score of the series is at that point. As for this game, you know you can’t figure out the NFL this season when the Mules decide to play a great game with the lights on against the Steelers. I’m kind of hoping they do the same to the Pack. GB needs another loss.

PICK — BRONCOS

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DATRES AT THE DESK: The Rants

Thursday, October 18th, 2007
DATRES AT THE DESK:
The Rants

By Chris Datres, special contributer to Radio Happy Hour
Email Chris Datres

LAST WEEK – 17-7 (9-3 college, 8-4 pro )

SEASON — 104-54 (61-25 college, 43-29 pro)

I‘ve mentioned numerous times already this season that the Carolina Panthers are the bane of my existence. They continued their hex on me last week with their win over the Cardinals. How did they do it? They started 483-year-old Vinny Testaverde at quarterback, that’s how. It just goes to show you that practice is overrated. Fortunately, the Panthers are on their bye this week so I’ll be saved the depressing task of trying to figure that one out.

In other news, my Penn State Nittany Lions played their most complete game of 2007 in dismantling Team Cheese, aka Wisconsin. If they play like that in 2 weeks against Ohio State, the Jacksonville cops better be on high alert for a manic, drunk PSU fan roaming the streets outside the Gator Bowl.

It’s week 8 and in honor of the number 8, which looks very similar to a set of chain links, I will include a link pertaining to each and every one of the games this week. Let’s just say I’m glad I looked up all the links at work earlier this evening because I’d probably still be typing this at 5am if I hadn’t.

COLLEGE

South Florida (6-0) at Rutgers (4-2)

How many of you rubbed your eyes and wondered if you were dreaming when the BCS spit out USF as the 2 team in the country on Sunday? I know that Jimmy Johnson was beside himself with incredulity on the FOX NFL Postgame show. But this team is for real and their defense will squash Rutgers RB Ray Rice’s Heisman hopes once and for all. In fact, they are going to act like this Pamplona bull.

PICK – SOUTH FLORIDA

Miami (4-3) at Florida State (4-2)

The ACC schedule makers finally moved this game back to its rightful spot in October and yet this game will resemble the last 3 games played on Labor Day weekend – it’ll hurt your eyes to watch. Both teams’ offenses make the Diamondbacks look like the ‘27 Yankees. And that’s not good for Florida State because if history is right, the Criminoles are due for another one of these. Wouldn’t it be fun to see the look on Old Man Bowden’s face if that happened again?

PICK – FLORIDA STATE

Tennessee (4-2) at Alabama (5-2)

It’s another edition of the game that always shows up on the third Saturday in October. Fat Phil went to the whole wheat selection at the Krispy Kreme two weeks ago and it showed in his team’s dominance of Georgia. Now he takes his flying éclair on the road to a town that has some great barbecue (so I’ve been told) and rabid fans that go around dressed like this. You’ve got to hand it to this guy. He has the supplies ready for his tailgate – if he makes it to the john in time, he’s in good shape. If he doesn’t make it in time, he’s still in good shape. Who said folks in Bama didn’t use their noggins??

PICK – TENNESSEE

NC State (1-5) at East Carolina (4-3)

Police on ECU’s campus are still trying to figure out whether or not a noose was hung in one of the campus dorms last month. But let’s think about this for a second. They’re Pirates. If anything, police should be looking for a plank, a pegleg, and a loudmouth parrot.

PICK – EAST CAROLINA

Kansas (6-0) at Colorado (4-3)

In 1944, a debate raged in the Kansas school system about the authenticity of the Jayhawk.It was ruled that it was indeed a mythical creature. In 2007, a debate is simmering about the authenticity of the Kansas football team. Will the state be able to handle the news if they too are rendered a fraud?

PICK – KANSAS

Michigan (5-2) at Illinois (5-2)

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The Zooker returned to prominence last week as Illinois finally looked in the mirror and realized that they were Illinois and promptly choked away a game against lifeless Iowa. It reminded me of Zook’s 2004 Florida team yakking a game against an equally lifeless Mississippi State team that cost Zook his job. The Illini faithful won’t lynch him yet because they haven’t seen this success in a while. Speaking of lack of success, Illinois hasn’t beaten Michigan since ‘99 but it would have been since 2000 if the Referines didn’t get extra help from the zebras.

PICK – MICHIGAN

Virginia (6-1) at Maryland (4-2)

CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION – When Virginia plays on the road, strange things happen. Their only loss came in the thin air at Wyoming in week one. Two weeks ago, they should have been picked off by Middle Tennessee. Now they have to figure out a way to escape Byrd Stadium much in the same way that they escaped UCONN at home last week. And no, this is not Twerps coach Ralph Friedgen in this pic. But it does bear a striking resemblance, doesn’t it?

PICK – M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D, MARYLAND…F-OFF!!

Auburn (5-2) at LSU (6-1)

In 1988, a late touchdown by LSU to beat Auburn made the Earth shake. After the last two Tigers games, a last-second squeaker against Florida and an overtime loss to Kentucky, that gumbo and crawfish is not sitting right in Bayou Country. Fortunately, Auburn ain’t that good.

PICK – LSU

Arkansas (3-3) at Mississippi (2-5)

But Auburn isn’t nearly as bad as the Hogs, a team they beat 9-7 in the Sominex Game of the Week last Saturday in Fayetteville. This loss marked the 3rd time this season that the Hogs have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Head Coach Houston Nutt has had more off-the-field problems than he could care to have, including people wanting to know who he’s calling on the phone. If you really want to know, I think his real estate agent is on speed dial.

PICK – ARKANSAS

Texas Tech (6-1) at Missouri (5-1)

I don’t care what the number is, take the over in this game. There will be lots of scoring which should make the Tigers official fan section, The Antlers, very happy. Wait, since when did Tigers start sprouting horns on their heads? I’m glad you asked.

PICK – MISSOURI

Florida (4-2) at Kentucky (6-1)

I apologize to Andre Woodson for questioning his ability against a ferocious defense. He silenced any critics with an awesome performance against LSU in their triple overtime upset win. At what point does Kentucky football become so important that this lovely lass makes an appearance at midfield during a timeout?

PICK – FLORIDA

Southern Miss (3-3) at Marshall (0-6)

Let’s see, USM has already given one team their first victory of the year when they went belly-up at home to Rice a few weeks back. Is there any chance that they could giftwrap a W for the folks in Huntington? I’ll bet Eagles fans wish this guy had another year of eligibility.

PICK – MARSHALL

NFL

Crows (4-2) at Bills (1-4)

I just looked at the AFC East standings and realized that the division is so bad, the Patriots could clinch the division in three weeks. That’s almost as shocking as the thoughts of what Buffalo Bill Cody might have been doing with his little Indian lady friend. back in the day. Yes, even in the 1800’s, the paparazzi was in full force.

PICK – BILLS

Cards (3-3) at Skins (3-2)

So Arizona became the latest victim in the ‘Datres-jinxed Carolina game’ last week. It didn’t help that Kurt Warner went down with an elbow injury. That forced the Cards to sign Tim Hasselbeck on Tuesday. He’s the younger brother of the Seahawks quarterback but he’s also the husband of that girl from The View. And that gives me a great excuse to show you this.

PICK – SKINS

49ers (2-3) at Giants (4-2)

This used to be THE game in the NFC every year. Montana, Simms, Rice, Little Joe Morris, Lott, LT, the list goes on and on. But the Giants were always the Niners’ kryptonite in Frisco’s dominance of the 80’s. Included in that is the day Matt Bahr became God on the heels of his kick to win the 1990 NFC Title game. I like this game so much that I’m almost staking my Eliminator pick on it. But I don’t think I can trust the Giants with a quarter million dollars.

PICK – GIANTS

Vikings (2-3) at Cowgirls (5-1)

But I can trust the Cowgirls with my money. Or so I hope. What did I tell you about the Vikings and their late-game escapes at Soldier Field? The Bears are still searching for Adrian Peterson…and no, I’m not talking about the one that is on their bench. As for the Girls, a Hall of Fame running back wearing their colors once hung a historic mark on the Norsemen. I don’t think Marion Barber will pull this trick but then, he won’t need to.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Titans (3-2) at Texans (3-3)

Once a year, Tennessee returns to their roots in Houston which gives me an excuse to share one of the absolute worst fight songs I’ve ever heard. And don’t think for a second that the Madden Curse isn’t real because Vince Young has not exactly lived up to his cover status this season…or maybe he has. That’s the fun of that Curse. Maybe a little home cookin’ will do him good.

PICK – TEXANS

Bucs (4-2) at Lions (3-2)

These two teams used to be in the same division. During the early 90’s, that meant we could watch Barry Sanders do this to the Bucs on a twice-yearly basis. The Bucs only wish they had a running back with an eighth of that talent. They just traded for Michael Bennett on Tuesday. If that fails, I hear James Wilder might be available.

PICK – BUCS

Chefs (3-3) at Raiders (2-3)

There isn’t too much to say about this game. But I will say that I had a difficult time paying attention to last week’s Bungles-Chefs game because CBS kept showing this on the sidelines.

PICK – RAIDERS

Jets (1-5) at Bungles (1-4)

The police blotter has been quiet of late in the Queen City. It makes you long for the days when Bungles players continually got in trouble. The good news on that front is that Chris Henry has 3 more games left in his suspension.

PICK – BUNGLES

Bears (2-4) at Eagles (2-3)

There are three games between these two teams that stick in my mind – the Eagles playoff win in 2003 when McNabb made the Bears defense look like they did last week against the Vikings, a 1987 regular season game in Philly because it was played with replacement players due to the strike and the Bears won, and then there was this beauty from the 1988 playoffs when the Bears beat the Eagles but not many people could really tell for sure.

PICK – EAGLES

Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (0-6) at Seahawks (3-3)

Rams PR staff is working diligently to get Tampax to sponsor the team’s ‘playing out the string’ promotion for the last 10 games of the year. But at least they can look back at this memory from last season and smile.

PICK – SEAHAWKS

Steelers (4-1) at Mules (2-3)

Had it not been for a pair of last-second/overtime field goals, the Mules would be winless as well. Fortunately for them, these guys are taking the heat off of them. Can baseball season last until Christmas?

PICK – STEELERS

Colts (5-0) at Jags (4-1)

Last week, I asked what else there was to do in Jacksonville besides Jags games. I took the liberty of doing some research and found that there’s a really cool museum called MOSH that is hosting a Chemistry Explorathon on Saturday. I don’t know about you, but I love me a little moshing, especially when I know that there might be some chemistry involved.

PICK — JAGS

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