LAST WEEK – 12-6 (3-3 college, 9-3 pro )

SEASON — 223-120 (119-56 college, 104-64 pro)

For what it’s worth, I’m now 14 games out of the lead in the pool that these picks are involved in – at this point, it’s pretty worthless. But you could be the person who allegedly takes my advice on these picks. She’s 16 games BEHIND me at this point. So for the last three weeks of the season, we’re playing for pride and irreverence…not necessarily in that order.

This week’s topic will be fantasy, something I know a little about, considering that I have a stake in five different fantasy leagues. Trust me, it’s way too much but I’ve been doing some of these leagues for as many as 11 years so I can’t just walk away from it. As a result, it often takes me at least 6 weeks to figure out who is on which team. And don’t even ask me who I’m playing against. Well, all that changes this week as my Amish Rakefighters in the Vegas Baby Football League go for a championship berth this week, which would mean a nice little payoff regardless of next week’s championship game result. So in honor of that and the fact that apparently, any idiot can be a ‘fantasy expert’ and get PAID for it, I bring you Week 16. Don’t even get me started about Matthew Berry. Oh wait…stand by, I’ll get to him shortly.

NCAA

1-AA CHAMPIONSHIP

Delaware (11-3) vs. Appalachian State (12-2)

Every year, I dream that my Towson Tigers can somehow pull off the impossible dream and win a 1-AA national title. At this point, I’d just take a playoff berth. Well, there’s often a saying at Towson that our two favorite teams are the Tigers and whoever is playing the Chickens. So there’s no secret who gets the nod here. And how about this little nugget – Appy State began the year with the win over Michigan in the Big OutHouse. Michigan wears those stupid-looking wing-T helmets. Copycat Delaware also wears those dopey-designed helmets but the shade of blue is just a bit brighter (rumor has it the students aren’t). So Appy State has a chance to bookend their season with wins over those ugly helmets.

PICK – APPY STATE

D2 CHAMPIONSHIP

Valdosta State (12-1) vs. NW Missouri State (12-1)

After ‘supposedly’ shortchanging a certain Bearcat alum, I guess I have to go over the top with my praise. See, there’s only a couple people in the know with this little fantasy but when you’ve never actually met the girl, there isn’t much you can do about it except be charming through words and phrases. But let’s put it this way – the viewers in the Springfield, Missouri area are very lucky that they get to look at this girl 5 nights a week. Oh, you want to know about this game? Is that why we’re here? Two things I can tell ya – NW Mo’s running back is a freakin beast and the Bearcats have defeated three consecutive undefeated teams, including Grand Valley State, who had a 40-game win streak coming in, yet didn’t get the home game last week. Very strange.

PICK – NW MISSOURI STATE (you’re welcome, Ms. Scott)

D3 CHAMPIONSHIP

Mount Union (14-0) at Wisconsin-Whitewater (13-1)

I wonder how much President Clinton wished that Whitewater was a figment of his imagination. And I wonder if Hillary will ever have to deal with it during her campaign. By the way, did you know that the election is next November? You’d think it was tomorrow with all the ads and debates going on. Two words – overkill.

PICK – MOUNT UNION

SWAC CHAMPIONSHIP

Jackson State (7-4) vs. Grambling (8-3)

I promise that this game will be played this week. It was on the schedule two weeks ago so maybe the poolkeeper was dreaming about watching the bands at halftime.

PICK – JACKSON STATE

NAIA CHAMPIONSHIP

Sioux Falls vs. Carroll

I went to Montana earlier this year. That’s where Carroll is from. So I’ll go with experience here.

PICK — CARROLL

NFL – Every game on the board this week!!

Broncos (6-7) at Texans (6-7)

Your fantasy pick in this game – Brandon Marshall. He picked up two touchdowns last week against the Chefs and celebrated one of them by tossing snow in the air. He received a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct. Apparently, snow is considered a prop and you’re not allowed to use props when celebrating a touchdown. So there goes my idea of having a giant snowball fight when I eventually get into the endzone someday.

PICK – BRONCOS

Bungles (5-8) at 49ers (3-10)

Fantasy pick – A date. If you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night watching THIS game, you’re either a loser, sick, demented, or you live in the Northeast and are snowbound. Here’s a tip – find something else on TV.

PICK – BUNGLES

Seahawks (9-4) at Panthers (5-8)

Fantasy pick – Marcus Trufant. His primary job will be to make sure that Steve Smith doesn’t catch any passes this week. Smith has been rather quiet this year since his quarterbacks have been David Carr and Vinny Testaverde, two guys who don’t inspire much fear in opposing defenses. The Rakefighters need Trufant to make sure that Smith doesn’t put up any crazy numbers.

PICK – SEAHAWKS

Falcons (3-10) at Bucs (8-5)

Fantasy pick – Bubba Johnson, cellblock D. So now that Mr. Dogkiller has been sentenced, hopefully we won’t have to hear anymore about the case for a while. In the meantime, the Falcons have lost their coach to Woo Pig Sooey, in essence trading Alpo for Hillshire Farm. At least you don’t need a leash and a spiked collar to corral a pig. However, it would have been funny had he gone to Mississippi State or Southern Illinois or even Albany.

PICK – BUCS

Packers (11-2) at Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (3-10)

Fantasy pick – Brett Favre. Even though he doesn’t perform well in domes, how can you not ride this horse? But I know someone who can’t. His name is Matthew Berry and he calls himself the ‘talented Mr. Roto’ for ESPN.com. He’s a FRAUD. How is it that someone gets paid actual money to tell you who to start in a FANTASY football game? Well this guy makes a fool of himself each and every week on NFL Countdown. If I see him pop up, I immediately change the channel because it seems every player he recommends you to sit, ends up coming up big. Usually, it’s hindsight. But last week, it was foresight. This knucklehead had the balls to tell the world to sit Brett Favre against the Raiders. THE RAIDERS!! 266 yards and 2 touchdowns later, those idiots that listened to this shill was out roughly 20 points. At playoff time, I don’t have to tell you how vital that is. So this is my warning to you – don’t pay any attention to him or these other so-called experts. They’re guessing just as much as you are and they don’t have to answer for you making the transaction.

PICK – PACKERS

Jags (9-4) at Steelers (9-4)

Fantasy pick – Fred Taylor. The Rakefighers are leaving Maurice Jones-Drew on the bench this week because of the Steelers solid defense, which my opponent happens to be starting this week. So that means I need Taylor to go crazy and get all the touchdowns and keep Jones-Drew from getting too many yards like what happened last week against the Panthers. My secondary pick would be anyone with a muzzle for Steelers safety Anthony Smith. Dude, don’t EVER piss off the Patriots, especially when you couldn’t cover a cripple running a stop route.

PICK – STEELERS

Cards (6-7) at Saints (6-7)

Fantasy pick – Rakefighters starting WR Marques Colston. The only thing that worries me about this pick is that Colston hasn’t caught a single touchdown pass at home this season. Mr. Brees, please throw Marques the ball a lot in this game. And to the Saints defense – keep Edgerrin James in check so I don’t regret putting him on the bench this week, too.

PICK – SAINTS

Bills (7-6) at Brownies (8-5)

Fantasy pick – Anyone on the Browns defense that can stop Marshawn Lynch. All of you who thought at the beginning of the season that this game would be crucial to the playoff race, raise your hand. No, Drew Carey and Jim Kelly, even you two couldn’t have been that confident.

PICK – BROWNIES

Titans (7-6) at Chefs (4-9)

Fantasy pick – If I live in one of these two cities, a moving van. Both of these teams are way too frustrating to pick. And now that the two teams that I own that have Vince Young on the roster have packed up their locker rooms for the season, I’ll stop asking him to put up big numbers for me. And you know what that means – here comes the monster 30-point breakout game.

PICK – TITANS

Crows (4-9) at Fish (0-13)

Fantasy pick – A wayback machine. I think we know the reason why for both teams. Two weeks ago, I said that the Fish were bound to get one and the Jets game was probably their best chance. They then lost 40-14. They’ve got this game against the Crows and then the Bungles on the final day of the season. I don’t think they’re going to get one and that’s pretty sad.

PICK – CROWS

Jets (3-10) at Patriots (13-0)

Fantasy pick – Tom Brady. I know, not much of a stretch here. He has carried the Rakefighters to their 10-3 record this season and one of those losses came to the team I’m playing this week and it happened on Brady’s bye week. Well, the Pats will certainly get their retribution for the Jets ratting them out during Spygate. My fear with this game is not how bad the Patriots win the game but whether they can put up a lot of points because there’s a lot of snow in the forecast and that might mean less passing.

PICK – PATRIOTS

Colts (11-2) at Raiders (4-9)

Fantasy pick – Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark. I’ve got those two and my opponent has Manning. So any touchdown passes that Peyton wants to throw, please funnel them to these two guys. Don’t throw it to Anthony Gonzalez or Ben Utecht or Joseph Addai or some other schlep. I NEED POINTS!!

PICK – COLTS

Lions (6-7) at F’ing Chargers (8-5)

Fantasy pick – Stick-umm for Paris Lenon. JUST FALL ON THE BALL!! Lenon was so close to being on the receiving end of Tony Romo’s fumble last week but instead tried to scoop it up for a meaningless touchdown. If he falls on it, the Lions win the game and we don’t have to hear about Romo’s ‘legend’ building (more on that later). On another vindictive note, nice to see that the F’ing Chargers could win a road game last week. However, their 14-point deficit going into the fourth quarter shows that they’re dead meat when they get a playoff game on the road. It also showed that the Titans are still a year away from really being a beast.

PICK – CHARGERS

Eagles (5-8) at Cowgirls (12-1)

Fantasy pick – a towel for announcers calling Cowgirls games. It really started last year but the amount of drooling that Al Michaels, John Madden, Joe Buck, and Troy Aikman have done over Tony Romo is totally disgusting. I’ve made other comparisons but it’s a family column so I’ll keep it clean. But let’s just say that Romo could probably have a second job as an adult film star. I’ll admit that he’s a good quarterback, but until he can take the Cowgirls through the playoffs, I’m not sold. The lasting image I have of him as a playoff quarterback is him dropping the snap against Seattle. That said, I need the Cowgirls defense to stop Brian Westbrook. If that can happen, the Rakefighters will go to the finals.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Redskins (6-7) at Giants (9-4)

Fantasy pick – That old lady from the EA Sports commercials. I mean, who wouldn’t want an assassin like that jacking players up over the middle. And you could probably get her cheap too. I’d think $20,000 could buy plenty of knitting.

PICK – GIANTS

Bears (5-8) at Vikings (7-6)

Fantasy pick – Chester Taylor. The last time these two teams hooked up, Adrian Peterson gouged us for over 200 yards. That was unthinkable against the Bears defense last season but this year, we’re giving up a truckload of yards on the ground. Well, Taylor is one of the Rakefighters starting running backs and if I need those crucial Monday night points, I’ll have to sadly root against my team. We’re out of the playoff race and we’re starting Kyle Orton at quarterback, for God’s sake. I just wish we had a running back like Adrian Peterson. We have one NAMED Adrian Peterson but he isn’t nearly as explosive. Oh well, maybe next year.

PICK — VIKINGS

LAST WEEK – 15-8 (8-3 college, 7-5 pro )

SEASON — 211-114 (116-53 college, 95-61 pro)

For what it’s worth, I’m now 11 games out of the lead in the pool that these picks are involved in – I dropped another game back in the standings partly because I couldn’t pick an NFL game correctly after 1pm on Sunday. And if I hope to bring home any money in another pool that I’m in, I’d better start getting some of these NFL games correct.

The hypothetical Eliminator season ended when Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs didn’t know the rules. He called consecutive timeouts to ice Bills kicker Rian Lindell with 6 seconds remaining. That rules oversight cost the Skins 15 yards and allowed Lindell an easier kick from 36 yards, which he made. At some point, I wonder when Gibbs will decide that he’d rather deal with Tony Stewart’s temper tantrums more than the rigors of the NFC East.

Other Week 14 morons include West Virginia who apparently didn’t want to go to New Orleans this year in losing to 4-touchdown underdog Pitt. Easiest way to stop the Mountain Men – control the ball on offense and force West By God to beat you through the air – they’re not a good passing team at all. And extra kudos to the BCS who once again figured out a way to screw up the system. Missouri went from #1 to the Cotton Bowl while Kansas, who hasn’t beaten a team with less than 5 losses this year, gets to go to Miami and collect a large paycheck (not to mention a beatdown at the hands of the Chokies).

NCAA

1-AA SEMIFINAL

Delaware (10-3) at Southern Illinois (12-1)

This is the battle of some odd mascots. SIU is the Salukis, which is a Middle Eastern-bred dog that looks a little on the shaggy side, at least up around the head. Delaware is the Fighting Blue Chickens, er, Hens. And let’s face it, the Chickens certainly don’t inspire any fear in anyone. Plus, as a Towson grad, I can’t possibly put my faith in maybe our biggest rival.

PICK – SOUTHERN ILLINOIS

1-AA SEMIFINAL

Richmond (11-2) at Appalachian State (11-2)

Appy State is to blame for all this mess that happened in college football this year. They got the ball rolling with their monumental upset of Michigan in the Big House the first week of the year. The funny thing is that it may not be the biggest upset of the year now that we look back at the season. You also had Stanford over USC and Pitt over West By God. So in honor of causing the mess, Appy State gets the pick on their way to their 3^rd straight national championship.

PICK – APPY STATE

D2 SEMIFINAL

Valdosta State (11-1) at California (PA) (13-0)

Fortunately, this isn’t the Cal Bears. At least this California team knows how to close opponents out when they have an undefeated record.

PICK – CALIFORNIA (PA)

D2 SEMIFINAL

Grand Valley State (12-0) at NW Missouri State (11-1)

OK, GVSU has a pedigree as they have won 4 national titles in the past 5 years, including a win over NW Mo State last year. Now, there’s this girl that I’ve heard so much about and I certainly wouldn’t mind meeting who is a NW Mo State alum and I know that she’s heard about these picks and would be highly disappointed if I didn’t pick her team. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that revenge happens and GVSU gets sent home without a championship this year.

PICK – NW MISSOURI STATE

D3 SEMIFINAL

Mary Hardin-Baylor (12-1) at Wisconsin-Whitewater (12-1)

I think it was the Clinton Administration that taught us never to trust anything coming from Whitewater. I wonder who Mary Hardin is and if she’s an easy date.

PICK – MARY HARDIN-BAYLOR

D3 SEMIFINAL

Bethel (12-1) at Mount Union (13-0)

Mount Union is the perennial power in D3 and I really don’t smell an upset at all. However, it is the year of the upset so why not one in the lower division?

PICK – MOUNT UNION

NFL

F’ing Chargers (7-5) at Titans (7-5)

I guess I should lay off the F’ing Chargers now that even my hypothetical Eliminator is dead. But until they can prove that they can beat a good team on the road, then they’re still fraudulent in my book. Also, it’s playoff time and I really really need Vince Young to put up some numbers. I’d rather not be tempted to have to start Rex!!

PICK – TITANS

Giants (8-4) at Eagles (5-7)

Following the Giants’ putrid loss to the Vikings, NY’s GM called Elly Mae Manning ‘skittish’. Had my Bears defense not allowed Elly Mae to go down the field on them in the final minutes last week, I’m sure the GM would have had a lot more scathing words for that dolt. Instead, the G-Men got a gift win. I don’t think the Eagles and their fans will allow that to happen so I’m going with the upset…mainly because I’m still bitter.

PICK – EAGLES

Fish (0-12) at Bills (6-6)

Even if the Fish weren’t 0-fer this season, I wouldn’t give them a snowball’s chance in hell of winning in December in Buffalo.

PICK – BILLS

Panthers (5-7) at Jags (8-4)

Well, it looks like the Panthers have evened out, making their games easier to pick. And at least they won’t owe the home fans a huge apology since they finally won a home game last week. That won’t be saving Coach Fox’s job at the end of year. But that’s what happens when you lose Jake Delhomme and have David Carr and Old Man Testaverde as your backups.

PICK – JAGS

Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (3-9) at Bungles (4-8)

In Hell’s Sports Bar, this is the #1 game shown on all the televisions.

PICK – BUNGLES

Bucs (8-4) at Texans (5-7)

If the Bucs win this one, they could win the division. That should wipe the scowl off Chucky’s face for about, oh, 5 seconds.

PICK – BUCS

Vikings (6-6) at 49ers (3-9)

Amazingly, the Vikings have become competitive even with Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. It certainly helps when you have an amazing running game. But like Bill Simmons, I’m looking forward to possibly betting against Jackson in a road playoff game.

PICK – VIKINGS

Cards (6-6) at Seahawks (8-4)

The slate of afternoon games this Sunday is really for the birds if you ask me.

PICK – SEAHAWKS

Steelers (9-3) at Patriots (12-0)

If this game were in Pittsburgh, I’d think the Pats would finally go down after the last two draining games they’ve had. But, the Patriots have had the Steelers’ number for the most part the last few years but the Steelers did end that long Pats winning streak a couple years ago…in Heinz Field, however. One word of advice to the Steelers – if you have the lead late, don’t throw a stupid interception and don’t call a timeout from the bench when your D is about to stuff the Pats on 4^th down and get the ball back. Learn from the Raven – nevermore!!

PICK – PATRIOTS

Chefs (4-8) at Mules (5-7)

Somewhere in the basement of NFL Films is the tape of the Monday Night game years ago when Joe Montana led a comeback in the last minute of the game against the Elway-led Mules. Can we just put that game on?

PICK – MULES

Brownies (7-5) at Jets (3-9)

The fever for the Brownies subsided a little bit last week with their loss to the Cards but if they get into the playoffs, they are one hell of a dangerous team. I wonder if Brady Quinn has the same look on his face over on the bench as he did in the green room during the NFL Draft. First, no one will pick him and then he can’t find the field because – surprise – the guy in front of him is pretty damn good.

PICK – BROWNIES

Saints (5-7) at Falcons (3-9)

This is the day we’ve all been waiting for – I guess you could say that every dog has its day, so to speak. Michael Vick will be sentenced on the afternoon prior to this game and thankfully, ESPN will be in town for the MNF broadcast. If they weren’t, I don’t know how we’d find out what the verdict was. We might hear so much about it that we might forget about what’s happening on the field. But it’s ok because the action on the field will be a real woofer too, especially if Sean Payton calls another reverse while trying to kill the clock late in the game.

PICK — SAINTS

LAST WEEK – 15-9 (9-3 college, 6-6 pro )

SEASON — 196-106 (108-50 college, 88-56 pro)

For what it’s worth, I’m now 10 games out of the lead in the pool that these picks are involved in – I dropped four games back in the standings, thanks to a number of professional football teams who weren’t very professional on Sunday. Included amongst the amateurs are Eli Manning for his 3 pick-6 performance against the Vikings, Coach Ken Whisenhunt of the Cardinals for not calling a timeout to avoid a delay-of-game penalty in overtime which thus pushed the ball back five yards and kicker Neil Rackers yakked the field goal, and Gus Frerotte for horrifically underthrowing a WIDE OPEN Isaac Bruce on the goal line for the game-winning score and then fumbling an easy snap on 4^th and goal to end the game. Invoices will be in the mail, boys.

As for the hypothetical Eliminator, I got a bad feeling that I’ll be kicking myself come the end of the season. The F-ing Chargers took care of business which would have extended me another week. Can you believe that 150 people (over half the remaining pool) put their stake of a quarter-million bucks on the backs of the Cardinals?? I know, I know – almost as bad as backing the Chargers on the road. Well, my game that I’d take this week isn’t on the board but it would be the Redskins over the Bills, despite the death of Sean Taylor on Tuesday. Now that they have that emotion in play, I think Buffalo is going to be roadkill. I really hope I’m wrong, though, because it’s gonna suck if I get the rest of the way on hypotheticals without a scratch.

COLLEGE

Rutgers (7-4) at Louisville (5-6)

I wonder if the folks at Papa John’s are charging a little extra for delivery this season to help buy the Cards some defense. I guess they’ll have to settle for Rick Pitino’s pressing D at Freedom Hall.

PICK – RUTGERS

Oregon State (7-4) at Oregon (8-3)

Until two weeks ago, this civil war was going to be one-sided. But now that Oregon has lost their stud QB, Dennis Dixon, and backup Brady Leaf is hurting (and ineffective just like his big bro), I think the Quacks are going to employ either Donald or Daffy to run their spread offense.

PICK – OREGON STATE (upset special)

UCLA (6-5) at USC (9-2)

The Trojans couldn’t possibly allow the crosstown Bruins to spoil the end of their season for the second year in a row, could they? I know this could be Karl Dorrell’s swan song but UCLA’s 4^th string QB couldn’t possibly handle that USC defense, right? I think I need one cheerleader from either side to convince me for sure.

PICK – USC

Cal (6-5) at Stanford (3-8)

THE BAND IS OUT ON THE FIELD!! Even 25 years later, the Stanford folks are still bitter about those six laterals. The lesson is – play until the whistle blows and keep your damn band off the field. At this point, Cal could use a band of something to get them going. Remember when they were a quarter away from being #1 before yakking it to the Beavers? How the less-than-mighty have regained their mediocrity.

PICK – CAL

Arizona (5-6) at Arizona State (9-2)

Loser of this game has to go sit on a cactus while having sand dumped on them. Yawn…

PICK – ARIZONA STATE

MAC CHAMPIONSHIP

Miami (6-6) vs. Central Michigan (7-5)

This is how stupid the MAC is – they have two different divisions but they play an odd amount of conference games. So only games in your division count toward getting you to the conference championship. Bowling Green sits home with a 6-2 conference mark while an AVERAGE Miami team gets to go to Detroit. It won’t matter as the Chippewas aren’t very nice hosts.

PICK – CENTRAL MICHIGAN

C-USA CHAMPIONSHIP

Tulsa (9-3) at UCF (9-3)

This game already happened about 6 weeks ago with UCF blasting Tulsa right out of Orlando. And if it’s one thing Floridians don’t want to see in December, it’s another hurricane coming to town. Fun fact – UCF opened their new on-campus stadium this year. For some reason, the builder failed to install water fountains anywhere in the stadium. It’s Florida, it doesn’t get hot here.

PICK – UCF

ACC CHAMPIONSHIP

Boston College Frauds (10-2) vs. Virginia Tech (10-2)

If you’re a gambler (and I don’t know any of those), you’d know that BC has been one of the teams to stay away from this season. They do just enough to win their games but can’t seem to cover that all important number. They should have blown the doors off Miami last week, yet let them hang around until the 4^th quarter. Now they get a rematch with the Chokies who blew a 10-0 lead with 4 minutes left in their meeting 3 weeks ago. The Chokies are a lot healthier than they were in the previous matchup and this time, they won’t let it get away.

PICK – VIRGINIA TECH

SEC CHAMPIONSHIP

LSU (10-2) vs. Tennessee (9-3)

Hey, at least LSU is undefeated in regulation this year. Maybe Les Miles can take that half-full philosophy with him to Michigan. I’m sure a lot of the Big Ten has watched him these past few weeks and thought how great it would be to have a moron running the Maize and Blue.

PICK – LSU

SWAC CHAMPIONSHIP

Jackson State (7-4) vs. Grambling (8-3)

The halftime entertainment should be good. That’s about all I can say for this game.

PICK – JACKSON STATE

Army (3-8) vs. Navy (7-4)

During the mid-90’s, you could add the words ‘take the points’ to the back-end of this matchup because the games were always tight and usually came down to a final field goal. Sadly, Army isn’t quite up to Navy’s skill level so I wouldn’t anticipate this one being too close.

PICK – NAVY

BIG 12 CHAMPIONSHIP

Missouri (11-1) vs. Oklahoma (10-2)

The season started with Appy State beating Michigan in the Big House. Who knew that at the end of this roller-coaster, ‘opposite George’ season that this game would be for a West By God-Missouri championship showdown. My pick is based solely on the desire to make sure that the Suckeyes DO NOT get into the title game again.

PICK – MISSOURI

NFL

Packers (10-1) at Cowgirls (10-1)

So the buzz about this game has centered around whether or not Tony Romo idolized Brett Favre while he grew up in Wisconsin. Romo’s trying to deny it. Of course, he’s also trying to deny anything about Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Carrie Underwood, and any other beautiful blonde singer.

PICK – COWGIRLS

God’s Squad (6-5) at Vikings (5-6)

If the Lions don’t start putting a string together here soon, they won’t cash in on Jon Kitna’s 10-win guarantee. God doesn’t smile upon those who don’t follow through on their guarantees.

PICK – VIKINGS

Seahawks (7-4) at Eagles (5-6)

Congrats to the Eagles for their moral victory last week against the Patriots. Now let’s see if they’ll have the inevitable letdown against a team on the same wavelength as them. I think Donovan McNabb may have played his last game in Philly after AJ Feeley’s performance on Sunday night. Something tells me Eagles fans aren’t too disappointed.

PICK – SEAHAWKS

Jets (2-9) at Fish (0-11)

You’re kidding, right?

PICK – FISH (they gotta get one sometime)

Jags (8-3) at Colts (9-2)

This game is for first place in the AFC South but it’s not getting any kind of buzz. The Jags have been close to picking off the Colts in the Dome the last couple of years but haven’t quite gotten the job done.

PICK – COLTS

49ers (3-8) at Panthers (4-7)

It’s a road game and the opponent isn’t the Cardinals. I think the 49ers will have a bit of a tough time even though the Panthers haven’t won a single home game this year. Shouldn’t there be something in place that a team with 4 wins could refund their fans if they can’t seem to win a home game?

PICK – PANTHERS

Texans (5-6) at Titans (6-5)

Once you get 11 games into an NFL season, you should have a pretty good grasp of what’s going on. I think the Texans won’t be able to win on the road. And I think that the Titans defense will wake up now that they’re back on home turf. And for the love of everything holy, I hope that Vince Young can get me some fantasy points sometime soon. My playoff life depends on it!!

PICK – TITANS

Browns (7-4) at Cards (5-6)

Don’t look now but the Browns are a serious playoff contender in the AFC. Brady Quinn may never see the field and for Browns fans, that may not be such a bad thing.

PICK – BROWNS

Mules (5-6) at Raiders (3-8)

We’d like to congratulate the Raiders for ending their long losing streak to divisional opponents with their win over the Chefs last week. However, the streak will start anew this week just as long as the Mules don’t kick the ball to Devin Hester.

PICK – MULES

Giants (7-4) at Bears (5-6)

The improbable run to a playoff berth continues for the Bears as they finally notched another home victory, their first since week 2 against the Chefs. Note to the Giants – if you try a long field goal, make sure that you play until the whistle if it’s no good because you don’t want Devin Hester pulling a repeat of that return he had against you last year. And if Peyton could come watch little bro Eli again, that would be great since Eli impressed big bro with a 4 INT performance last week.

PICK – BEARS

Bucs (7-4) at Saints (5-6)

Has anyone figured out the Saints yet? Have they even figured themselves out? They had a really bad loss to the Texans a couple weeks ago to derail their train a bit. Now they get to face the ball-hawking Bucs who got 6 takeaways last week against the Skins and had it not been for those turnovers, they’d have gotten skunked because their offense was that bad.

PICK – SAINTS

Patriots (11-0) at Crows (4-7)

I don’t think Belicheat will need any cameras to figure out what the Crows are going to do. Everyone pretty much knows that they’ll roll over and play dead. It’s another wasted Monday night game.

PICK — PATRIOTS

LAST WEEK – 18-6 (9-3 college, 9-3 pro )

SEASON — 181-97 (99-47 college, 82-50 pro)

For what it’s worth, I’m only 6 games out of the lead in the pool that these picks are involved in, a one game improvement over last week. It’s a short turnaround this week for a few teams because of Turkey Day. And in honor of Thanksgiving, each game will be associated with a different Thanksgiving Day staple. Now let’s see if I can figure out 24 different things that go with Thanksgiving. I’ll bet you can’t guess what may go in the ‘turkey’ category. If you don’t already know, you haven’t been reading closely the last couple of weeks!!

COLLEGE

USC (8-2) at Arizona State (9-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – Dad carving the turkey. The winner of this game will feel like royalty afterwards because they will likely go to Pasadena as Pac-10 champion. The only way that doesn’t happen is if USC happens to yak it against UCLA next week. But be careful of the Sun Devils – they already have one utensil at the table – that pesky pitchfork.

PICK – USC

Nebraska (5-6) at Colorado (5-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Corn on the Cob (come on, that was too easy). It’s been more like creamed corn for most of this year but Nebraska did find their stride two weeks ago with a big 73-point output against K-State. However, the Buffs have put 63 on the board against the Corn before (I did the highlight) and it might not be out of the realm of possibility that it happens again.

PICK – COLORADO

Boise State (10-1) at Hawaii (10-0)

Thanksgiving Staple – Stuffing. These two teams will be stuffing the scoreboard all night long. I’d expect about 80 points to be on the board by the end of the night. Boise can crash Hawaii’s BCS party, though, the Rainbows have tried to turn out their own lights three times this season. Boise won’t make the mistakes that Nevada, LA Tech, and San Jose did and as long as they don’t turn the ball over, they’ll win the WAC again.

PICK – BOISE

Washington State (4-7) at Washington (4-7)

Thanksgiving Staple – Apple pie. These two teams play for the Apple Cup each year and after the seasons they’ve had, I wouldn’t be so shocked if there were crabapples in the cup this time around.

PICK – WASHINGTON

UCONN (9-2) at West By God (9-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – Possum (you didn’t think West Virginians ate turkey did you?). This one’s for the Big East title and I almost went with ‘kiddie table’ for this one because that’s how UCONN should feel entering this game. They’re trying to graduate to the ‘adult’s table’ by walking into Morgantown and winning the conference championship. Kid, you’ll eat your vegetables and LIKE IT.

PICK – WEST BY GOD

Virginia Tech (9-2) at Virginia (9-2)

Thanksgiving Staple – Saying grace. I’ll be praying for VA Tech to win this one because I have a ticket that says ‘VA Tech to win ACC’ at 3 ½-to-1 odds. The winner of this game goes to the ACC title game against BC.

PICK – VA TECH

Tennessee (8-3) at Kentucky (7-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Toothpicks. Why, you ask? Because when you go to a Thanksgiving dinner in one of these states, you’ll be lucky to find any. Ya know, there aren’t that many teeth to begin with. Catch my drift? Good.

PICK – TENNESSEE

Wake (7-4) at Vandy (5-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Pilgrims. Both schools are rather small and both are sort of seen as outcasts in their respective conferences when it comes to football. So they’ll hop on the boat that some Vandy engineering major constructed and sail off to some new frontier where their brand of football will be respected.

PICK – WAKE

Florida State (7-4) at Florida (8-3)

Thanksgiving Staple – Bickering in-laws. It happens all the time – one group wants to help prepare dinner while others want to slack off when they should be helping. That’s how it is with these two teams. Criminoles defensive lineman Geno Hayes has already proclaimed that Gators QB Tim Tebow is “going down this weekend”. How does Hayes know about Tebow’s love life?

PICK – FLORIDA

Clemson (8-3) at South Carolina (6-5)

Thanksgiving Staple – Heimlich Maneuver. Clemson kept up their yearly tradition of pissing away a great start to their season. Meanwhile, Cocks coach Steve Spurrier continues to walk around with a look on his face like he has a bone in his throat. Not good times.

PICK – SO-CAR

Missouri (11-0) vs. Kansas (10-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – Men sitting on couch with pants unsnapped. This game is the perfect ending to a couple of days worth of feasting. Nevermind the fact that this game is for the right to go to the Big XII Championship and to keep BCS hopes alive – this game has deep-seated hate involved. Apparently back in the day, a number of slave owners from Missouri rolled into Lawrence and burned the town down because the Kansas people were against slavery. Add in also that neither team has won the conference since the ‘60’s and we’re talking a big-time drought. But here’s the moronic part – because these teams traditionally suck, Kansas decided that they’d move this home game to Kansas City in the hopes of drawing a bigger crowd since the students won’t be on campus. I’ll bet by late Saturday night, they’ll be wishing they kept it in Lawrence.

PICK – MISSOURI

Alabama (6-5) at Auburn (7-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Leftovers. That’s what Nick Saban should be served (and I’m not even sure he deserves those) after his comments this week making parallels to Bama’s losing streak to events such as 9/11, Pearl Harbor, and the struggle that alcoholics endure. So if he loses this game, will he include The Great Depression, the Plague, and the Billy Goat Curse in next week’s press conference?

PICK – AUBURN

NFL

Packers (9-1) at God Squad (6-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – John Madden’s Turducken. Back in the day, this would be a guaranteed Summerall-Madden game and we’d see the 14-legged bird that the fat guy would haul off his bus and hand to the MVP of the game. If it happened this year, I’d have a sneaky suspicion that a player in blue might win it.

PICK – GOD SQUAD

Jets (2-8) at Cowgirls (9-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – The tryptophen-induced nap. If you’re looking for me, that’s what I’ll be doing during this game.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Seahawks (6-4) at Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (2-8)

Thanksgiving Staple – Pecan pie. Because you’d have to be nuts to go anywhere near the betting line on this game. That’s what I’m hear for – to steer you the wrong way.

PICK – SAME OLD SORRY ASS RAMS

Vikings (4-6) at Giants (7-3)

Thanksgiving Staple – Meat thermometer. After this game, you’ll be able to stick this into the Vikings and realize that they’re done.

PICK – GIANTS

Texans (5-5) at Brownies (6-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Macy’s Parade. When the Brownies play at home, they seem to march up and down the field and put a whole slew of points on the board. Now if only that Spider-Man float wouldn’t get loose…

PICK – BROWNIES

Skins (5-5) at Bucs (6-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Gravy boat. In honor of Thanksgiving, that’s what I’m calling that hunk of junk the Bucs have in their endzone at Raymond James Stadium. I’m sure the Bucs fans that I befriend will want to kill me now.

PICK – BUCS

Titans (6-4) at Bungles (3-7)

Thanksgiving Staple – Cherry pie. I see the lattice-designed crust on these pies and I bet it reminds both the Titans and Bungles of the iron bars of the state penitentiary, a place players from both sides are familiar with.

PICK – TITANS

Saints (4-6) at Panthers (4-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Candied Yams. Both teams are trying to sugarcoat their poor play this year. Problem with the way the Panthers are doing it is that they keep trotting old man Testaverde behind center and they’re not going to win any games doing that.

PICK – SAINTS

Raiders (2-8) at Chefs (4-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Senile old family members. Al Davis, I’m looking square at you with this one. I wonder, though, who the Chefs will employ to the run the ball this week with LJ still hurt and Priest Holmes retiring. I think Christian Okoye might still be available. How about Barry Word?

PICK – CHEFS

49ers (2-8) at Cards (5-5)

Thanksgiving Staple – Upset stomach. Watching this game will give you this condition. The 49ers have been scoring about as often as a nun in a convent. And what’s worse, the Patriots own their #1 pick.

PICK – CARDS

Mules (5-5) at Bears (4-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Backyard football. Games in the backyard usually pit families against each other or maybe good friends against each other. You sit there and trash talk that cute girl from next door that you’re going to beat her deep for a touchdown only to find that she can lock you down like a vice. You end up catching nothing but ridicule from your teammates the entire day because you can’t beat her. Well, the cute girl next door who I advise on these picks is a Mules fan (explains a lot) and I’ve kept very quiet about my ability to run a ‘go’ pattern.

PICK – BEARS

Crows (4-6) at F-ing Chargers (5-5)

Thanksgiving Staple – TURKEY. At long last, the main course is served. I don’t think I need any justification for giving this one the turkey considering what the F-ing Chargers have cost me this year. Last week’s hypothetical Eliminator pick of the Packers won and had I just said ‘Bucs’ or ‘Saints’ 3 weeks ago, the F-ing Chargers would have been this week’s pick. And that means you should lay the house on the Crows who will somehow figure out a way to win on the road.

PICK – F-ING CHARGERS