Due to the overwhelming positive response to my tribute to The Man Bag, you’ve successfully fooled me into thinking that I know something about fashion. And just like everyone else who believes they have their finger on the pulse of style, I’m going to prove it to you by shoving fashion tips down your throat.

Today, I’m going to help you look Meglo-Chic. Let’s face it, the megalomaniac look is in. “We’re here, we cause fear, get used to it!” These bad-ass, terrorist supporting world leaders all must truly be hot under the collar, because all of them are rocking the “no-tie” look.

Check out Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He may be backwards when it comes to human rights, but the man sure is fashion forward. Even when addressing the United Nations, this meglosexual chooses style over a more traditional formal look.

But Ahmablah-blah-blah is not the only nuclear hungry maniac with an eye towards a hip, relaxed look. One only must look east towards North Korea to find another nut job who can’t blame his insanity on a tie cutting off the circulation to his brain.

Kim Jong-Il is always looking relaxed with his open collar look. While the neck-tie industry is really struggling in North Korea, the market for ugly green shirts has never been better.

Even the late mass murdering megalomaniac from Iraq spent the last few years of his life minus the tie. Saddam Hussein, who in his earlier days in power was never caught without the popular neck accessory, lived out his final years in the extreme comfort and freedom of a Meglo-Chic lifestyle. This is, of course, until he was ultimately fitted for the tightest tie of them all.

It may come as a shock to many of you, but I enjoy when people log on and read what I have to say. I’m not writing this for my health. So, from time to time I think of ways to get the name “Dr. Blogstein” out there.

Sometimes I send spam emails and other times I take credit for crimes that I didn’t commit in the off chance that they say my name on the news. This week I decided to do what all attention starved wanna be celebrities do: I went partying without any underwear.

“Going Commando” has become a surefire way of getting some press–we’ve seen it recently with the daily Britney and Paris Crotch Watch Updates on gossip sites like Perez Hilton and Gawker–and I wanted in!

Well, its not as easy as I thought. First of all, I tried getting out of the back seat of a car numerous amount of times but not once was I exposed. Apparently, its a lot easier in a skirt, which I wasn’t about to try.

So I had to push the issue by “accidentally” leaving my fly open so something falls out as I exit a car. That worked, but the problem I then faced was there weren’t any photographers around. How do Paris and Britney get so lucky to have cameras around every time they make a mistake?!?

I’m going to have to revisit this plan. Stay tuned.

I’m also going to have to rethink this “freeballing” lifestyle. Its not as comfortable as its cracked up to be. For one thing, underwear serves as a nice layer of protection between you and the zipper. Rubbing up against those metal teeth is not my idea of comfort.

Underwear is also quite handy for when you want to wear khaki or any light color pants. Otherwise, every trip to the urinal has to end with a long and drawn out ceremonial dance to ensure that no drop remains when Little Johnny returns home.

And don’t get me started on wearing sweat pants to the gym. It would happen to you too had you been watching Ashley do those lunges!

In conclusion, I sit here hoping that you all learned something from this post. Admittedly, I’m not quite sure what lessons are hidden in these paragraphs but I would hate to think that I tell of these embarrassing tales without it having some educational benefit.

There are two television ad campaigns that are bugging me right now. They both happen to be for pharmaceutical products and they usually air during the Today Show and Greta Van Susteran, two shows I watch regularly.

Why am I bringing this up to you? Because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.

The first ad is for Rozerem. This is the sleep aid for people with insomnia. It features “Honest” Abe Lincoln and a furry beaver playing chess while a man in a space suit is making eggs on the stove. The whole scene freaks me out like you wouldn’t believe.

The image is supposed to represent some dude’s dream. Its no wonder he can’t fall asleep. I’d be fighting hard to stay awake if I knew that was the dream world I was waiting for.

The whole 60 seconds is ridiculous, although it is somewhat amusing when the beaver accuses Lincoln of cheating.

The second ad that irritates me is for Cymbalta. This is the commercial for an anti-depressant that asks “Where does depression hurt?” and “Who does depression hurt?” All this, while showing very sad people and playing very sad music. I’m a happy guy and this commercial leaves me depressed–it must leave depressed people feeling suicidal!

Don’t advertise an anti-depressant by depressing people further. Show happy scenes, with happy people and happy music. Show us what the pill can do, we already know why we need it!

And that’s the rest of the story…

Advertising, Media, TV

(This message is only intended for members of Islamic terrorist organizations or those thinking about joining such an organization. If you are not a member of or plan to join an Islamic terrorist organization, please bypass this post.)

Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking to all you terrorists, fundamentalists, insurgents and you goofy white boy from Southern California who couldn’t get laid in high school so you grew an out-of-control beard, moved to Pakistan and make dorky videos pretending that Osama bin Laden is laughing with you and not at you. All of you are fighting the wrong enemy. The real enemy to your backward way of life is this guy:

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is trying to ruin the lives of all “freedom fighters” and jihadists and therefore, all you nut bags must unite and kill Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Now, look, I don’t blame you for not trusting me. I mean, afterall, I am an infidel and a damn good one at that, but hear me out.

This Ahmadinejad guy has openly called for Israel to be wiped off the map. Yeah, THAT Israel, you know, the one you blame for all your hardships. Without Israel, you would have to start taking responsibility for your own pathetic lives.

Or worse…Imagine if Israel is wiped off the map and your life was still as crappy as it was before. Discovering that Israel was not your problem and perhaps your own leaders were taking advantage of you and holding you down might be quite a devastaing revalation for you.

And if you’re not ready blow up Ahmadinejad just yet, consider his stance on the Holocaust. You know, that feel good bed time story your dad and his six wives told you and your 32 siblings each night to help you fall asleep? Well, Ahmadinejad doesn’t think it really happened.

That’s right, Jihad Jerome, he thinks it was all made up and is even putting together a symposium to debate it. He’s calling your parents liars and your hero Hitler a fraud. You gonna take that? I didn’t think so.

Now, go get him before he puts all of you out of business. I’ll give you a head start:

He looks like this:
And lives here:

Happy Passover! Its a time when all Jewish people around the world go on the Atkins Diet (with the exception of eating cardboard, or in Hebrew: matzah) and recount the story of how Moses helped the Israelites escape Egypt, where they were held as slaves, through the desert in 40 days and 40 nights.

Its also a time that encourages debates and questions regarding the meaning of Passover and all its traditions and symbols. That leads me to my question:

Moses needed ten plagues to get the ball rolling on the Egyptian escape. According to an MIT Professor who I made up, Dr. Vladimir Zimmentofer, it would have taken Jack Bauer 90% fewer plagues to weaken the Egyptians to the point at which the Jews could escape Egypt. It is my belief that the only plague Jack would have needed was the “slaying of the first born.”

Passover, Pesach, jewish, Moses, Jack Bauer, 24

OK, pervert, I realize that if your brain was wired correctly you probably would have figured this out by now, but allow me to explain: The 14-year-old girl that you picked up while trolling internet chat rooms is most likely a member of law enforcement, you sick bastard. And, no, scumbag, the police are not employing 14-year-girls, you are actually flirting with a male cop pretending to be a middle school chick.

Seriously, what will it take these creepy men from finally realizing that chances are pretty good that if the cute captain of Middletown High School’s freshman field hockey team agreed to meet their ugly, middle-aged ass for some hot sex, they’re probably going to be greeted by Special Agent Garcia of the FBI (or Dateline)?!?

This sick epidemic of grown men picking up minors on the internet is quite disturbing. Just this week, the deputy press secretary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security was arrested for having sexually explicit conversations with a person who he thought was a 14-year-old girl.

Of course, the “girl” was actually a Florida sheriff deputy and Brian J. Doyle, the 55-year-old member of DHS who is supposed to be keeping us safe, is behind bars.

Chat rooms and sites like myspace.com have been blamed for making it easier for these child predators to find victims, which may very well be true. But while it may be making cyberspace a much more dangerous place for kids than we would like, they also may be making the real world a bit safer.

It’s no question that technology is making everything a little easier and in turn making everyone a little lazier. Sick pedophiles are no different.

As long as chatrooms and MySpace are around, these freaks think they have easy access to the world’s little boys and girls. No longer will they have to become teachers, priests or Little League coaches to find their prey, when all they have to do is fire up the internet. Hopefully this will start breeding lazier and lazier dirtbags that will begin making it easier and easier to catch them. Cops love nothing more than a lazy criminal.

Until then, monitor what your kids are doing online and who they are communicating with on the web. Keep an eye on them and keep them safe and if you can’t do that, don’t have kids.

Sex, News, crime, Internet, chat, myspace

I’m thinking about starting an organization called “MEN AGAINST STRIPPERS”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a hot, naked girl in front of me as much as the next guy, probably even more than the next guy, but strip clubs are just plain degrading and exploitive.

In an era of equal rights for all races, religions, creeds and genders how can anyone support a business where one gender is clearly in a position of extreme power and the other couldn’t be anymore submissive? I may be extreme in saying this, but what goes on in these places is akin to torture.

We simply can not allow these women to continue to take advantage of us men for any longer!

How dare they make us pay a cover change and adhere to a drink minimum just for the privilege of looking at them? How dare they make us sit idly by as these abnormally attractive women seductively disrobe and sexually move their bodies all the while knowing that the closest that we can come to touching what is in front of us is by slipping money into their garter. And how dare they demand that we pay extra for just one of these women to come closer to you, almost on top of you, brushing up against wherever they choose, yet if you make the biologically instinctual move towards touching them, a large man who has probably been an extra on The Sopranos will cause you severe bodily harm.

These establishments put men through this type of disrespect, abuse and torture on a nightly basis. How does our government allow this to go on? How can they go all the way to Iraq and Afghanistan to eradicate torture in those countries when we have torture chambers of our own with fancy names like Cheetahs and Scores.

Perhaps the headline is a bit harsh, but we need to at least update religion. Maybe Jesus 2.0?

Whether you believe in Allah or Jesus, Hashem or Buddha, you’re following rules and regulations that are thousands and thousands of years old. I mean, look at it this way: the United States has only been around for 230 years and already we have 27 amendments to our Constitution!

The Ten Commandments have become so outdated it really should be changed to “The Two Commandments and Eight Suggestions” I’ll buy into the “Thou shall not murder” and “Thou shall not steal” but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let any stone tablet tell me that my neighbor’s wife isn’t hot!

Its time we all lighten up a little bit and loosen up the rules. Its 2006, there will be no burning bush, unless we’re watching our president get scorched in effigy during a Middle East riot. There also will not be a prophet or a messiah because as soon as those claims are made, the men in the white coats are quickly called to check them into the looney bin.

Its 2006, damn it! Go ahead and covet, who doesn’t? Worship an idol–we’ll look at you funny but be my guest. Bear false witness (if you can figure out what the hell that means!)

God Bless.

Step 1: Don’t do it! Consider a divorce, you psycho!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

In honor of this romantic day, I just did the most gallant of things–I just (potentially) saved your life.

Neil Entwistle is the latest of a long line of men who have killed their wives. (Of course, I should say “allegedly have killed their wives,” but, really. . .Who would I be kidding?)

This growing club includes Scott Peterson, Baretta, and OJ Simpson (again, who would I be kidding?)

Its reported that Entwistle actually searched online for help with the killing before he fatally shot his wife and 9-month-old daughter.

Officers who searched the 27-year-old’s computer found Entwistle “actually typed in Internet searches regarding how to kill yourself, suicide, how to kill someone with a knife, and euthanasia,” officers wrote in affidavits seeking search warrants.

So, that is where I come in. In case another nut-job is thinking about killing his wife and needs online instructions, I’ve set up this post as a decoy. The wacko will do a search and my appropriately titled post will come up. He’ll think he hit the jackpot, click, and bang! There’s my warning: “Step 1: Don’t do it! Consider a divorce, you psycho!“

I made my warning in boldface and in a slightly larger font. This should make it that much more forceful and virtually impossible to ignore. Your homicidal husband will stop and think about his choices and thusly, your life will be spared.