In my on going effort to make this world more Blogstein friendly, and by that I mean, much less annoying, I periodically and systematically ban certain behavior that gets on my nerves. In BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN back in May, I decreed the end of such annoyances as The Open Ended “or”. Then in July, BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN II tried to do away with such idiocy as the pretentious pronunciation of Moots-A-Rel Cheese.

As a result of my public service, the world has become 13.8% less annoying. Not bad, but we obviously have a long way to go, so let’s get started with BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN III:

BANNED! Performing Friends Unless you’re on Broadway or opening up for the Rolling Stones at The Garden don’t ask me to go see your shows. Forgive me if I don’t want to see you play “Aunt Esther” in your community theater group’s stage performance of Sanford and Son or watch you play drums in your KISS tribute band. You’re not my child, I don’t need to be at all your shows!

BANNED! “My eyes are up here” Please, spare me the disingenuous shock when I happen to be glancing at your breasts while having a conversation with you. Don’t act like you just didn’t spend an hour and a half in your bedroom trying on outfits to find one that your chest looks good in. If you don’t want anyone to look at your boobs, then don’t wear a baby-T with the word “SLUT” across your tits. And you know what? Sometimes we are talking to your pontoons because they’re a helluva lot more interesting than the rest of you!

BANNED! “What are you doing on Saturday Night?” If you want to invite me to do something please just ask me. Give me the option of making up an excuse. I hate when people put me on the spot by opening up with “What are you doing later?” Now what do I do? He could be offering me tickets to the game or asking me to help him move! From now on, for the sake of humanity, just come out and tell me what you’re about to offer. Don’t put me in the position where I might end up spending the night at your lame ballet recital!

That should hold the world over until I can ban some more that keeps the human race from being perfect.

It’s been a while since I did humanity a favor and taught annoying people how to behave. After my first BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN! ran in May, the world became an estimated 12.7% less irritating. Hopefully BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN! II will do the same.

The following is what I’d like to ban. . .

BANNED! The Blackberry Seriously, do you really need to be that connected? Is a cell phone not enough? Why do you need your hotmail or AOL mailbox to travel with you everywhere you go? I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to get offers for penile implants or Viagra when I’m in a meeting or at the movies. And how do they all know about my shortcomings anyway?!?

BANNED! Moots-A-Rel Cheese It’s mozzarella! Pronounce the “A”! Its “maht-suh-rehl-la” Cheese! I love how people try to sound all fancy, like they know Italian, and cut off the vowels at the end of each word. “Yeah, uh, I’ll have the proshoot.” No, lame-o, you’ll have prosciutto, pronounced “proh-shoo-toh.” You don’t know Italian, if you did, you’d be pronouncing the words correctly. Get over your pretentious self. You’re a big-a moron!

BANNED! “Good Times” Ever like to hang out with old friends and take a stroll down memory lane? Telling old stories about fun and humorous experienced together is one of the main benefits of having friends (or so I’m told.) But when the story is over, the story is over. There is no need to reinnerate that those were “good times” by ending each story by stating “good times.” Its redundant, annoying and you got it from the old Saturday Night Live skit making fun of public radio.

There, that should do it. That should hold the world over until I can ban some more that keeps the human race from being perfect.

Rules, Humor, Life, pet peeves, pet-peeves, Italian, Food, Friends, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Television, TV, Entertainment, blackberry, Email, Spam

As recipient of the prestigious Fox Award, I feel it necessary to cash in on some of my newly earned political capital. (NOTE: Yes, I am aware that voting is not over yet for the Fox Awards and that I’m currently a few votes behind, but I should win because I’m the best and if I don’t win its because the poll was culturally biased.)

The following is what I’d like to ban. . .

BANNED! The Open Ended “or” How often do you hear someone say something like: “Are you coming to dinner, orrrrrrrr. . .” or “Is that some kind of joke, orrrrrrrr…“? OR WHAT?!?Unless you are giving me another option, don’t use the word “or.” I don’t want to finish your thought or come up with a second choice for you. You started the sentence, you finish it!

BANNED! Purple and Green People Whenever someone is trying to prove that they are not racially biased, so often they go on that tired old rant: “I don’t care if he is black or white or yellow…” and then they inexplicably throw in extra colors like purple or green. At that point, you lose all credibility. There are no purple people or green people, but if there where, I’m willing to bet that you’d be treating them differently!

BANNED! Thanking God Until you’re ready to blame God for your failures, don’t give him credit for your successes.

BANNED! “The Local” Elevator Joke Ever been in an elevator that ends up stopping on almost every floor on the way up or down? If the answer is yes, then you’ve also heard “Well, I guess we’re on the local” comment which is comparing the number of stops on the elevator to the number of stops a local bus or train makes.

That joke must have been funny the first time it was told in 1853, the year when the elevator was invented! Yet, it never fails: If the elevator makes a bunch of stops, some yahoo will think he’s the first one to tell that joke. Well, your not, and I don’t want your weather report either! Its okay not to have a conversation in the elevator!

I’m sure I’ll have to update this list at some point but that’s a damn good start to making this world more Blogstein friendly!

Rules, Humor, Life, pet peeves, pet-peeves, race, god