LAST WEEK – 12-6 (3-3 college, 9-3 pro )

SEASON — 223-120 (119-56 college, 104-64 pro)

For what it’s worth, I’m now 14 games out of the lead in the pool that these picks are involved in – at this point, it’s pretty worthless. But you could be the person who allegedly takes my advice on these picks. She’s 16 games BEHIND me at this point. So for the last three weeks of the season, we’re playing for pride and irreverence…not necessarily in that order.

This week’s topic will be fantasy, something I know a little about, considering that I have a stake in five different fantasy leagues. Trust me, it’s way too much but I’ve been doing some of these leagues for as many as 11 years so I can’t just walk away from it. As a result, it often takes me at least 6 weeks to figure out who is on which team. And don’t even ask me who I’m playing against. Well, all that changes this week as my Amish Rakefighters in the Vegas Baby Football League go for a championship berth this week, which would mean a nice little payoff regardless of next week’s championship game result. So in honor of that and the fact that apparently, any idiot can be a ‘fantasy expert’ and get PAID for it, I bring you Week 16. Don’t even get me started about Matthew Berry. Oh wait…stand by, I’ll get to him shortly.

NCAA

1-AA CHAMPIONSHIP

Delaware (11-3) vs. Appalachian State (12-2)

Every year, I dream that my Towson Tigers can somehow pull off the impossible dream and win a 1-AA national title. At this point, I’d just take a playoff berth. Well, there’s often a saying at Towson that our two favorite teams are the Tigers and whoever is playing the Chickens. So there’s no secret who gets the nod here. And how about this little nugget – Appy State began the year with the win over Michigan in the Big OutHouse. Michigan wears those stupid-looking wing-T helmets. Copycat Delaware also wears those dopey-designed helmets but the shade of blue is just a bit brighter (rumor has it the students aren’t). So Appy State has a chance to bookend their season with wins over those ugly helmets.

PICK – APPY STATE

D2 CHAMPIONSHIP

Valdosta State (12-1) vs. NW Missouri State (12-1)

After ‘supposedly’ shortchanging a certain Bearcat alum, I guess I have to go over the top with my praise. See, there’s only a couple people in the know with this little fantasy but when you’ve never actually met the girl, there isn’t much you can do about it except be charming through words and phrases. But let’s put it this way – the viewers in the Springfield, Missouri area are very lucky that they get to look at this girl 5 nights a week. Oh, you want to know about this game? Is that why we’re here? Two things I can tell ya – NW Mo’s running back is a freakin beast and the Bearcats have defeated three consecutive undefeated teams, including Grand Valley State, who had a 40-game win streak coming in, yet didn’t get the home game last week. Very strange.

PICK – NW MISSOURI STATE (you’re welcome, Ms. Scott)

D3 CHAMPIONSHIP

Mount Union (14-0) at Wisconsin-Whitewater (13-1)

I wonder how much President Clinton wished that Whitewater was a figment of his imagination. And I wonder if Hillary will ever have to deal with it during her campaign. By the way, did you know that the election is next November? You’d think it was tomorrow with all the ads and debates going on. Two words – overkill.

PICK – MOUNT UNION

SWAC CHAMPIONSHIP

Jackson State (7-4) vs. Grambling (8-3)

I promise that this game will be played this week. It was on the schedule two weeks ago so maybe the poolkeeper was dreaming about watching the bands at halftime.

PICK – JACKSON STATE

NAIA CHAMPIONSHIP

Sioux Falls vs. Carroll

I went to Montana earlier this year. That’s where Carroll is from. So I’ll go with experience here.

PICK — CARROLL

NFL – Every game on the board this week!!

Broncos (6-7) at Texans (6-7)

Your fantasy pick in this game – Brandon Marshall. He picked up two touchdowns last week against the Chefs and celebrated one of them by tossing snow in the air. He received a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct. Apparently, snow is considered a prop and you’re not allowed to use props when celebrating a touchdown. So there goes my idea of having a giant snowball fight when I eventually get into the endzone someday.

PICK – BRONCOS

Bungles (5-8) at 49ers (3-10)

Fantasy pick – A date. If you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night watching THIS game, you’re either a loser, sick, demented, or you live in the Northeast and are snowbound. Here’s a tip – find something else on TV.

PICK – BUNGLES

Seahawks (9-4) at Panthers (5-8)

Fantasy pick – Marcus Trufant. His primary job will be to make sure that Steve Smith doesn’t catch any passes this week. Smith has been rather quiet this year since his quarterbacks have been David Carr and Vinny Testaverde, two guys who don’t inspire much fear in opposing defenses. The Rakefighters need Trufant to make sure that Smith doesn’t put up any crazy numbers.

PICK – SEAHAWKS

Falcons (3-10) at Bucs (8-5)

Fantasy pick – Bubba Johnson, cellblock D. So now that Mr. Dogkiller has been sentenced, hopefully we won’t have to hear anymore about the case for a while. In the meantime, the Falcons have lost their coach to Woo Pig Sooey, in essence trading Alpo for Hillshire Farm. At least you don’t need a leash and a spiked collar to corral a pig. However, it would have been funny had he gone to Mississippi State or Southern Illinois or even Albany.

PICK – BUCS

Packers (11-2) at Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (3-10)

Fantasy pick – Brett Favre. Even though he doesn’t perform well in domes, how can you not ride this horse? But I know someone who can’t. His name is Matthew Berry and he calls himself the ‘talented Mr. Roto’ for ESPN.com. He’s a FRAUD. How is it that someone gets paid actual money to tell you who to start in a FANTASY football game? Well this guy makes a fool of himself each and every week on NFL Countdown. If I see him pop up, I immediately change the channel because it seems every player he recommends you to sit, ends up coming up big. Usually, it’s hindsight. But last week, it was foresight. This knucklehead had the balls to tell the world to sit Brett Favre against the Raiders. THE RAIDERS!! 266 yards and 2 touchdowns later, those idiots that listened to this shill was out roughly 20 points. At playoff time, I don’t have to tell you how vital that is. So this is my warning to you – don’t pay any attention to him or these other so-called experts. They’re guessing just as much as you are and they don’t have to answer for you making the transaction.

PICK – PACKERS

Jags (9-4) at Steelers (9-4)

Fantasy pick – Fred Taylor. The Rakefighers are leaving Maurice Jones-Drew on the bench this week because of the Steelers solid defense, which my opponent happens to be starting this week. So that means I need Taylor to go crazy and get all the touchdowns and keep Jones-Drew from getting too many yards like what happened last week against the Panthers. My secondary pick would be anyone with a muzzle for Steelers safety Anthony Smith. Dude, don’t EVER piss off the Patriots, especially when you couldn’t cover a cripple running a stop route.

PICK – STEELERS

Cards (6-7) at Saints (6-7)

Fantasy pick – Rakefighters starting WR Marques Colston. The only thing that worries me about this pick is that Colston hasn’t caught a single touchdown pass at home this season. Mr. Brees, please throw Marques the ball a lot in this game. And to the Saints defense – keep Edgerrin James in check so I don’t regret putting him on the bench this week, too.

PICK – SAINTS

Bills (7-6) at Brownies (8-5)

Fantasy pick – Anyone on the Browns defense that can stop Marshawn Lynch. All of you who thought at the beginning of the season that this game would be crucial to the playoff race, raise your hand. No, Drew Carey and Jim Kelly, even you two couldn’t have been that confident.

PICK – BROWNIES

Titans (7-6) at Chefs (4-9)

Fantasy pick – If I live in one of these two cities, a moving van. Both of these teams are way too frustrating to pick. And now that the two teams that I own that have Vince Young on the roster have packed up their locker rooms for the season, I’ll stop asking him to put up big numbers for me. And you know what that means – here comes the monster 30-point breakout game.

PICK – TITANS

Crows (4-9) at Fish (0-13)

Fantasy pick – A wayback machine. I think we know the reason why for both teams. Two weeks ago, I said that the Fish were bound to get one and the Jets game was probably their best chance. They then lost 40-14. They’ve got this game against the Crows and then the Bungles on the final day of the season. I don’t think they’re going to get one and that’s pretty sad.

PICK – CROWS

Jets (3-10) at Patriots (13-0)

Fantasy pick – Tom Brady. I know, not much of a stretch here. He has carried the Rakefighters to their 10-3 record this season and one of those losses came to the team I’m playing this week and it happened on Brady’s bye week. Well, the Pats will certainly get their retribution for the Jets ratting them out during Spygate. My fear with this game is not how bad the Patriots win the game but whether they can put up a lot of points because there’s a lot of snow in the forecast and that might mean less passing.

PICK – PATRIOTS

Colts (11-2) at Raiders (4-9)

Fantasy pick – Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark. I’ve got those two and my opponent has Manning. So any touchdown passes that Peyton wants to throw, please funnel them to these two guys. Don’t throw it to Anthony Gonzalez or Ben Utecht or Joseph Addai or some other schlep. I NEED POINTS!!

PICK – COLTS

Lions (6-7) at F’ing Chargers (8-5)

Fantasy pick – Stick-umm for Paris Lenon. JUST FALL ON THE BALL!! Lenon was so close to being on the receiving end of Tony Romo’s fumble last week but instead tried to scoop it up for a meaningless touchdown. If he falls on it, the Lions win the game and we don’t have to hear about Romo’s ‘legend’ building (more on that later). On another vindictive note, nice to see that the F’ing Chargers could win a road game last week. However, their 14-point deficit going into the fourth quarter shows that they’re dead meat when they get a playoff game on the road. It also showed that the Titans are still a year away from really being a beast.

PICK – CHARGERS

Eagles (5-8) at Cowgirls (12-1)

Fantasy pick – a towel for announcers calling Cowgirls games. It really started last year but the amount of drooling that Al Michaels, John Madden, Joe Buck, and Troy Aikman have done over Tony Romo is totally disgusting. I’ve made other comparisons but it’s a family column so I’ll keep it clean. But let’s just say that Romo could probably have a second job as an adult film star. I’ll admit that he’s a good quarterback, but until he can take the Cowgirls through the playoffs, I’m not sold. The lasting image I have of him as a playoff quarterback is him dropping the snap against Seattle. That said, I need the Cowgirls defense to stop Brian Westbrook. If that can happen, the Rakefighters will go to the finals.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Redskins (6-7) at Giants (9-4)

Fantasy pick – That old lady from the EA Sports commercials. I mean, who wouldn’t want an assassin like that jacking players up over the middle. And you could probably get her cheap too. I’d think $20,000 could buy plenty of knitting.

PICK – GIANTS

Bears (5-8) at Vikings (7-6)

Fantasy pick – Chester Taylor. The last time these two teams hooked up, Adrian Peterson gouged us for over 200 yards. That was unthinkable against the Bears defense last season but this year, we’re giving up a truckload of yards on the ground. Well, Taylor is one of the Rakefighters starting running backs and if I need those crucial Monday night points, I’ll have to sadly root against my team. We’re out of the playoff race and we’re starting Kyle Orton at quarterback, for God’s sake. I just wish we had a running back like Adrian Peterson. We have one NAMED Adrian Peterson but he isn’t nearly as explosive. Oh well, maybe next year.

PICK — VIKINGS