LAST WEEK – 18-6 (9-3 college, 9-3 pro )

SEASON — 181-97 (99-47 college, 82-50 pro)

For what it’s worth, I’m only 6 games out of the lead in the pool that these picks are involved in, a one game improvement over last week. It’s a short turnaround this week for a few teams because of Turkey Day. And in honor of Thanksgiving, each game will be associated with a different Thanksgiving Day staple. Now let’s see if I can figure out 24 different things that go with Thanksgiving. I’ll bet you can’t guess what may go in the ‘turkey’ category. If you don’t already know, you haven’t been reading closely the last couple of weeks!!

COLLEGE

USC (8-2) at Arizona State (9-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – Dad carving the turkey. The winner of this game will feel like royalty afterwards because they will likely go to Pasadena as Pac-10 champion. The only way that doesn’t happen is if USC happens to yak it against UCLA next week. But be careful of the Sun Devils – they already have one utensil at the table – that pesky pitchfork.

PICK – USC

Nebraska (5-6) at Colorado (5-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Corn on the Cob (come on, that was too easy). It’s been more like creamed corn for most of this year but Nebraska did find their stride two weeks ago with a big 73-point output against K-State. However, the Buffs have put 63 on the board against the Corn before (I did the highlight) and it might not be out of the realm of possibility that it happens again.

PICK – COLORADO

Boise State (10-1) at Hawaii (10-0)

Thanksgiving Staple – Stuffing. These two teams will be stuffing the scoreboard all night long. I’d expect about 80 points to be on the board by the end of the night. Boise can crash Hawaii’s BCS party, though, the Rainbows have tried to turn out their own lights three times this season. Boise won’t make the mistakes that Nevada, LA Tech, and San Jose did and as long as they don’t turn the ball over, they’ll win the WAC again.

PICK – BOISE

Washington State (4-7) at Washington (4-7)

Thanksgiving Staple – Apple pie. These two teams play for the Apple Cup each year and after the seasons they’ve had, I wouldn’t be so shocked if there were crabapples in the cup this time around.

PICK – WASHINGTON

UCONN (9-2) at West By God (9-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – Possum (you didn’t think West Virginians ate turkey did you?). This one’s for the Big East title and I almost went with ‘kiddie table’ for this one because that’s how UCONN should feel entering this game. They’re trying to graduate to the ‘adult’s table’ by walking into Morgantown and winning the conference championship. Kid, you’ll eat your vegetables and LIKE IT.

PICK – WEST BY GOD

Virginia Tech (9-2) at Virginia (9-2)

Thanksgiving Staple – Saying grace. I’ll be praying for VA Tech to win this one because I have a ticket that says ‘VA Tech to win ACC’ at 3 ½-to-1 odds. The winner of this game goes to the ACC title game against BC.

PICK – VA TECH

Tennessee (8-3) at Kentucky (7-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Toothpicks. Why, you ask? Because when you go to a Thanksgiving dinner in one of these states, you’ll be lucky to find any. Ya know, there aren’t that many teeth to begin with. Catch my drift? Good.

PICK – TENNESSEE

Wake (7-4) at Vandy (5-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Pilgrims. Both schools are rather small and both are sort of seen as outcasts in their respective conferences when it comes to football. So they’ll hop on the boat that some Vandy engineering major constructed and sail off to some new frontier where their brand of football will be respected.

PICK – WAKE

Florida State (7-4) at Florida (8-3)

Thanksgiving Staple – Bickering in-laws. It happens all the time – one group wants to help prepare dinner while others want to slack off when they should be helping. That’s how it is with these two teams. Criminoles defensive lineman Geno Hayes has already proclaimed that Gators QB Tim Tebow is “going down this weekend”. How does Hayes know about Tebow’s love life?

PICK – FLORIDA

Clemson (8-3) at South Carolina (6-5)

Thanksgiving Staple – Heimlich Maneuver. Clemson kept up their yearly tradition of pissing away a great start to their season. Meanwhile, Cocks coach Steve Spurrier continues to walk around with a look on his face like he has a bone in his throat. Not good times.

PICK – SO-CAR

Missouri (11-0) vs. Kansas (10-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – Men sitting on couch with pants unsnapped. This game is the perfect ending to a couple of days worth of feasting. Nevermind the fact that this game is for the right to go to the Big XII Championship and to keep BCS hopes alive – this game has deep-seated hate involved. Apparently back in the day, a number of slave owners from Missouri rolled into Lawrence and burned the town down because the Kansas people were against slavery. Add in also that neither team has won the conference since the ‘60’s and we’re talking a big-time drought. But here’s the moronic part – because these teams traditionally suck, Kansas decided that they’d move this home game to Kansas City in the hopes of drawing a bigger crowd since the students won’t be on campus. I’ll bet by late Saturday night, they’ll be wishing they kept it in Lawrence.

PICK – MISSOURI

Alabama (6-5) at Auburn (7-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Leftovers. That’s what Nick Saban should be served (and I’m not even sure he deserves those) after his comments this week making parallels to Bama’s losing streak to events such as 9/11, Pearl Harbor, and the struggle that alcoholics endure. So if he loses this game, will he include The Great Depression, the Plague, and the Billy Goat Curse in next week’s press conference?

PICK – AUBURN

NFL

Packers (9-1) at God Squad (6-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – John Madden’s Turducken. Back in the day, this would be a guaranteed Summerall-Madden game and we’d see the 14-legged bird that the fat guy would haul off his bus and hand to the MVP of the game. If it happened this year, I’d have a sneaky suspicion that a player in blue might win it.

PICK – GOD SQUAD

Jets (2-8) at Cowgirls (9-1)

Thanksgiving Staple – The tryptophen-induced nap. If you’re looking for me, that’s what I’ll be doing during this game.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Seahawks (6-4) at Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (2-8)

Thanksgiving Staple – Pecan pie. Because you’d have to be nuts to go anywhere near the betting line on this game. That’s what I’m hear for – to steer you the wrong way.

PICK – SAME OLD SORRY ASS RAMS

Vikings (4-6) at Giants (7-3)

Thanksgiving Staple – Meat thermometer. After this game, you’ll be able to stick this into the Vikings and realize that they’re done.

PICK – GIANTS

Texans (5-5) at Brownies (6-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Macy’s Parade. When the Brownies play at home, they seem to march up and down the field and put a whole slew of points on the board. Now if only that Spider-Man float wouldn’t get loose…

PICK – BROWNIES

Skins (5-5) at Bucs (6-4)

Thanksgiving Staple – Gravy boat. In honor of Thanksgiving, that’s what I’m calling that hunk of junk the Bucs have in their endzone at Raymond James Stadium. I’m sure the Bucs fans that I befriend will want to kill me now.

PICK – BUCS

Titans (6-4) at Bungles (3-7)

Thanksgiving Staple – Cherry pie. I see the lattice-designed crust on these pies and I bet it reminds both the Titans and Bungles of the iron bars of the state penitentiary, a place players from both sides are familiar with.

PICK – TITANS

Saints (4-6) at Panthers (4-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Candied Yams. Both teams are trying to sugarcoat their poor play this year. Problem with the way the Panthers are doing it is that they keep trotting old man Testaverde behind center and they’re not going to win any games doing that.

PICK – SAINTS

Raiders (2-8) at Chefs (4-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Senile old family members. Al Davis, I’m looking square at you with this one. I wonder, though, who the Chefs will employ to the run the ball this week with LJ still hurt and Priest Holmes retiring. I think Christian Okoye might still be available. How about Barry Word?

PICK – CHEFS

49ers (2-8) at Cards (5-5)

Thanksgiving Staple – Upset stomach. Watching this game will give you this condition. The 49ers have been scoring about as often as a nun in a convent. And what’s worse, the Patriots own their #1 pick.

PICK – CARDS

Mules (5-5) at Bears (4-6)

Thanksgiving Staple – Backyard football. Games in the backyard usually pit families against each other or maybe good friends against each other. You sit there and trash talk that cute girl from next door that you’re going to beat her deep for a touchdown only to find that she can lock you down like a vice. You end up catching nothing but ridicule from your teammates the entire day because you can’t beat her. Well, the cute girl next door who I advise on these picks is a Mules fan (explains a lot) and I’ve kept very quiet about my ability to run a ‘go’ pattern.

PICK – BEARS

Crows (4-6) at F-ing Chargers (5-5)

Thanksgiving Staple – TURKEY. At long last, the main course is served. I don’t think I need any justification for giving this one the turkey considering what the F-ing Chargers have cost me this year. Last week’s hypothetical Eliminator pick of the Packers won and had I just said ‘Bucs’ or ‘Saints’ 3 weeks ago, the F-ing Chargers would have been this week’s pick. And that means you should lay the house on the Crows who will somehow figure out a way to win on the road.

PICK – F-ING CHARGERS