LAST WEEK – 12-12 (6-6 college, 6-6 pro)

SEASON — 116-66 (67-31 college, 49-35 pro)

OK, so maybe the idea of going with an all-links edition of The Rants didn’t work so well. I was too focused on providing good examples for each game that I didn’t really concentrate on making the picks. Maybe that makes me a fraud. And that’s pretty convenient this week because this could be considered the week in which 3 undefeated college football teams are also exposed as frauds. More on that later.

This week, I will be attending my second college game of the year – the annual drunkfest that is the Florida-Georgia game in Jacksonville. For me, it’ll be a special doubleheader of tailgating as I will get drunk prior to that football game, go into the stadium and watch the game, and then come back out and tailgate before the biggest game of the day – the night contest between Ohio State and Penn State. Don’t worry, I’ll have plenty to say about that game coming up as it is also on this week’s schedule.

Before we get to the picks, I want to hear from YOU. If you read this even in passing, shoot me a message. Or just shoot me, one or the other. The best messages from this week will find their way into next week’s edition.

COLLEGE

Boston College (7-0) at Virginia Tech (6-1)

Here is Exhibit A in my case against fraudulent teams. Boston College hasn’t exactly beaten a murderer’s row of teams to get to 7-0 and 2 in the BS standings. In fact, they barely squeaked one out against UMASS at home last month. So they expect to walk out of Blacksburg on a Thursday night under the ESPN lights 8-0? That’s not bloody likely. Thanks for coming out, BC, you still have your Flutie days.

PICK – VIRGINIA TECH

Boise State (6-1) at Fresno State (5-2)

If you like scoring, this could be your type of game. But if you’re single and you like to score, you best not be watching this game because that would mean you’re on your couch on a Friday night and unless you plan on inviting a hooker over, you likely won’t be scoring.

PICK – FRESNO

North Carolina (2-5) at Wake Forest (5-2)

In about 2 months, this is going to be a hell of a matchup on the hardwood. Carolina would win that type of game. But when there’s grass and lines, only a team with a crazed, drugged-out mascot that looks like this will come out on top.

PICK – WAKE

Indiana (5-3) at Wisconsin (6-2)

You’ve got to start feeling for the Indiana team. They’re one win away from fulfilling their late coach’s dream of playing 13 games this season, which means they’d be playing in a bowl game for the first time since 1993. But for the second straight year, they’re stuck on 5 wins. Last year, they got to 5 and lost their last 3 games of the year. They’re currently on a 2-game losing streak and Camp Randall isn’t the greatest place to try and break that streak. However, it is a pretty good place for a brat and some beer. And maybe some cheese. And some streudel.

PICK – WISCONSIN

West Virginia (6-1) at Rutgers (5-2)

I’d like to apologize to Ray Rice for doubting his ability to run through the South Florida defense last week. He’s now hung 400 yards on the Bulls in the last 2 years. Now his Knights are invaded by West By-God who have been awfully quiet since losing to USF last month. It looks pretty even but if you line up the Mountaineers mascot’s musket against Jersey boy’s elephant gun, I think you know who wins that battle.

PICK – WEST VIRGINIA

South Florida (6-1) at Connecticut (6-1)

I never thought I’d see the day when these two teams were locking horns for first place in the Big East. USF decided not to bring their run defense to Piscataway last week in their loss to Rutgers. UCONN used an invalid fair-catch signal to cheat their way to victory against Louisville (though, the Cards’ porous defense in the last 8 minutes certainly didn’t help them either). I think I’ll pick this game based on standard of living. I like living in South Florida (ok, Central Florida…work with me here). I wasn’t a big fan of living in Connecticut.

PICK – SOUTH FLORIDA

Florida (5-2) at Georgia (5-2)

This game is referred to as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party because people begin arriving in their RV’s for this game on Tuesday. As I write this, RV city is already packed to the gills with plenty of coolers containing adult beverages. I hope there are enough left for when I get there on Friday. As for the game itself, Florida’s won 16 of the last 18 in the series and it really pains me to see the looks on the Georgia girls’ faces after the game. I think this year I might just have to try and comfort them.

PICK – FLORIDA

Clemson (5-2) at Maryland (4-3)

I was secretly pleased to see the Twerps allow a quarterback who wasn’t even on the depth chart to beat them with a last-minute drive last week. If Coach Friedgen would spend as much time on his game plan as he did in front of the fridge, maybe they wouldn’t lose such games. As for Clemson, no team is a better example of Jekyll-and-Hyde as these guys. I’d like to officially call this game a toss-up – as in I’m going to toss something up because I have to pick it.

PICK – TWERPS

South Carolina (6-2) at Tennessee (4-3)

Spurrier has had Krispy Kreme’s number over the years. His tweaks have been memorable including his contention that Orlando is the Vols’ winter home because you can’t spell Citrus Bowl without U-T. It’s gotten so bad for The Glazed One that Spurrier even beat him in Neyland Stadium back in 2005, the first time So-Car had ever won there. So now after both teams come off of horrific losses (So-Car at home to Vandy and Tennessee destroyed at Bama), what gives? In this crazy world of the SEC, it stands to reason that the only guarantee is that you have to yak one game at home. This one will be Tennessee’s.

PICK – SOUTH CAROLINA

Cal (5-2) at Arizona State (7-0)

I now present you with Exhibit B in my case against fraudulent teams. Actually, it could be Exhibits B and C as Cal showed their true colors once again in a pair of ugly losses to Oregon State and UCLA the last two weeks. Now it’s Arizona State’s turn. Many experts figured they’d be 7-0 when this game rolled around and I’d say 95% of those experts figured that Cal would be undefeated as well. I do know one thing about this game – there will be a lot of scoring. As for the winner, I think ASU just might have the horses…at least for this game.

PICK – ARIZONA STATE

USC (6-1) at Oregon (6-1)

This right here is the second-best game of the day in college football. If it wasn’t a Pac-10 game, Gameday would likely be there instead of where they are going this week. With the exception of their exhibition game against Notre Shame last week, the Trojans have scuffled through their other two games. Oregon is hitting their stride nicely and are just a fumbled ball out of the endzone away from being undefeated. Add in the quarterback uncertainty at USC plus having to play at VERY LOUD Autzen Stadium and I think it’s too much for Troy to handle. And by the way – Oregon girls are vastly underrated.

PICK – OREGON

Ohio State (8-0) at Penn State (6-2)

And this would be Exhibit D in my case against fraudulent teams. Just what has Ohio State done to earn their 1 ranking? They did win the Ohio state championship by beating such heavyweights as Kent State, Akron, and Youngstown State. Yes they beat Purdue and Washington on the road but those two teams aren’t exactly all that great. So now they walk into Beaver Stadium having not lost a regular season game since 2005 at…Beaver Stadium. It’s about time Penn State lays the smack down on them again, especially in front of Gameday, a national TV audience, and a student section completely clad in white. I plan on being totally wasted by the time this game ends.

PICK – PENN STATE

NFL

Lions (4-2) at Bears (3-4)

Every time I see an Eagles fan now, I’m just going to look at them, smile, and say, ‘97 yards, 1:50 to go, no timeouts.’ That’s all I need to say and it’s really funny. Of course, Lions fans could just say to me ‘4^th quarter, 34 points’ and it’ll make me cry.

PICK – BEARS

Steelers (4-2) at Bungles (2-4)

The Bungles are just brutal. Had Chad Pennington not decided to play for both teams last week, the Jets would have picked them off. They can’t make the same mistakes against a good team like the Steelers and expect to win. And I secretly wonder if Carson Palmer sees those black and gold jerseys and his knee twinges just a little.

PICK – STEELERS

Giants (5-2) vs. Fish (0-7) at London

ELIMINATOR PICK OF THE WEEK. The sad thing about this game is that Miami has to go all the way to London to get their ass kicked. But at least maybe they’ll get some culture along the way.

PICK – GIANTS

Eagles (2-4) at Vikings (2-4)

Surely the Eagles can stop Tarvaris Jackson’s potent passing attack, right? Jackson will even spot them a few yards due to a broken finger on his throwing hand. But if the Eagles couldn’t stop Brian Griese, can they really stop an injured Jackson? Oh wait, Jackson isn’t the second coming of Randall Cunningham or anything. Just stop Adrian Peterson and you’ll be fine.

PICK – EAGLES (covering my eyes)

Brownies (3-3) at Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (0-7)

I’ve seen better pillowfights in the sorority house. Anyone caught watching this game should be relegated to lawn duty the rest of the fall.

PICK – Same Old SORRY ASS Rams

Colts (6-0) at Panthers (4-2)

OK, you all know my history with the Panthers this season. Will the Colts get caught looking ahead to next week’s showdown against the Patriots? If their defense can’t contain either old man Testaverde or a banged-up Carr, then I just have the total jinx this season.

PICK – COLTS

Raiders (2-4) at Titans (4-2)

I almost made this one my Eliminator pick but I’ve already had one heart attack in that pool watching the Raiders on the road and I’m not about to put my money in the hands of a team that nearly yakked away a 25-point lead last week to the Texans. By the way, Titans kicker Rob Bironas kicked an NFL-record 8 field goals last week. I haven’t seen that much kicking since that girl was trying to get away from me on the dance floor. My shins still haven’t recovered.

PICK – TITANS

Jags (4-2) at Bucs (4-3)

It’s the battle of the two competent Florida teams but unfortunately for the Jags, they have an incompetent quarterback. David Garrard is out a month with an ankle and Florida A&M graduate Quinn Gray will get his first start. I can’t think of many defenses I wouldn’t want my first start against than the Bucs. Now if only the Bucs can score. I smell a lot of field goals in this one.

PICK – BUCS

Redskins (4-2) at Patriots (7-0)

When Randy Moss was a Viking, he walked off the field before the game ended in a loss to the Redskins. He can do the same thing on Sunday but this time, it will be after catching the touchdown pass to put the Pats up 45-10. It’s just another tune-up for Super Bowl 41 ½ taking place in Indy next week.

PICK – PATRIOTS

Bills (2-4) at Jets (1-6)

Wow, two pillow fight games in the same week!! The world should be so blessed.

PICK – JETS

Saints (2-4) at 49ers (2-4)

The suits at NBC are probably hi-fiving each other that the World Series is going on this week and thus, they won’t have to worry about showing this game to the rest of the country. The bright side of this game is that someone will win their third game of the year.

PICK – SAINTS

Packers (5-1) at Broncos (3-3)

If the Rockies are able to win just one game between now and Sunday, we will have a first in the world of sports – a Monday Night Football game and a World Series game taking place at the same time in the same city. If you live in Denver, how do you choose what to watch? Maybe it will depend on what the score of the series is at that point. As for this game, you know you can’t figure out the NFL this season when the Mules decide to play a great game with the lights on against the Steelers. I’m kind of hoping they do the same to the Pack. GB needs another loss.

PICK — BRONCOS