LAST WEEK – 12-12 (6-6 college, 6-6 pro)

SEASON — 116-66 (67-31 college, 49-35 pro)

OK, so maybe the idea of going with an all-links edition of The Rants didn’t work so well. I was too focused on providing good examples for each game that I didn’t really concentrate on making the picks. Maybe that makes me a fraud. And that’s pretty convenient this week because this could be considered the week in which 3 undefeated college football teams are also exposed as frauds. More on that later.

This week, I will be attending my second college game of the year – the annual drunkfest that is the Florida-Georgia game in Jacksonville. For me, it’ll be a special doubleheader of tailgating as I will get drunk prior to that football game, go into the stadium and watch the game, and then come back out and tailgate before the biggest game of the day – the night contest between Ohio State and Penn State. Don’t worry, I’ll have plenty to say about that game coming up as it is also on this week’s schedule.

Before we get to the picks, I want to hear from YOU. If you read this even in passing, shoot me a message. Or just shoot me, one or the other. The best messages from this week will find their way into next week’s edition.

COLLEGE

Boston College (7-0) at Virginia Tech (6-1)

Here is Exhibit A in my case against fraudulent teams. Boston College hasn’t exactly beaten a murderer’s row of teams to get to 7-0 and 2 in the BS standings. In fact, they barely squeaked one out against UMASS at home last month. So they expect to walk out of Blacksburg on a Thursday night under the ESPN lights 8-0? That’s not bloody likely. Thanks for coming out, BC, you still have your Flutie days.

PICK – VIRGINIA TECH

Boise State (6-1) at Fresno State (5-2)

If you like scoring, this could be your type of game. But if you’re single and you like to score, you best not be watching this game because that would mean you’re on your couch on a Friday night and unless you plan on inviting a hooker over, you likely won’t be scoring.

PICK – FRESNO

North Carolina (2-5) at Wake Forest (5-2)

In about 2 months, this is going to be a hell of a matchup on the hardwood. Carolina would win that type of game. But when there’s grass and lines, only a team with a crazed, drugged-out mascot that looks like this will come out on top.

PICK – WAKE

Indiana (5-3) at Wisconsin (6-2)

You’ve got to start feeling for the Indiana team. They’re one win away from fulfilling their late coach’s dream of playing 13 games this season, which means they’d be playing in a bowl game for the first time since 1993. But for the second straight year, they’re stuck on 5 wins. Last year, they got to 5 and lost their last 3 games of the year. They’re currently on a 2-game losing streak and Camp Randall isn’t the greatest place to try and break that streak. However, it is a pretty good place for a brat and some beer. And maybe some cheese. And some streudel.

PICK – WISCONSIN

West Virginia (6-1) at Rutgers (5-2)

I’d like to apologize to Ray Rice for doubting his ability to run through the South Florida defense last week. He’s now hung 400 yards on the Bulls in the last 2 years. Now his Knights are invaded by West By-God who have been awfully quiet since losing to USF last month. It looks pretty even but if you line up the Mountaineers mascot’s musket against Jersey boy’s elephant gun, I think you know who wins that battle.

PICK – WEST VIRGINIA

South Florida (6-1) at Connecticut (6-1)

I never thought I’d see the day when these two teams were locking horns for first place in the Big East. USF decided not to bring their run defense to Piscataway last week in their loss to Rutgers. UCONN used an invalid fair-catch signal to cheat their way to victory against Louisville (though, the Cards’ porous defense in the last 8 minutes certainly didn’t help them either). I think I’ll pick this game based on standard of living. I like living in South Florida (ok, Central Florida…work with me here). I wasn’t a big fan of living in Connecticut.

PICK – SOUTH FLORIDA

Florida (5-2) at Georgia (5-2)

This game is referred to as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party because people begin arriving in their RV’s for this game on Tuesday. As I write this, RV city is already packed to the gills with plenty of coolers containing adult beverages. I hope there are enough left for when I get there on Friday. As for the game itself, Florida’s won 16 of the last 18 in the series and it really pains me to see the looks on the Georgia girls’ faces after the game. I think this year I might just have to try and comfort them.

PICK – FLORIDA

Clemson (5-2) at Maryland (4-3)

I was secretly pleased to see the Twerps allow a quarterback who wasn’t even on the depth chart to beat them with a last-minute drive last week. If Coach Friedgen would spend as much time on his game plan as he did in front of the fridge, maybe they wouldn’t lose such games. As for Clemson, no team is a better example of Jekyll-and-Hyde as these guys. I’d like to officially call this game a toss-up – as in I’m going to toss something up because I have to pick it.

PICK – TWERPS

South Carolina (6-2) at Tennessee (4-3)

Spurrier has had Krispy Kreme’s number over the years. His tweaks have been memorable including his contention that Orlando is the Vols’ winter home because you can’t spell Citrus Bowl without U-T. It’s gotten so bad for The Glazed One that Spurrier even beat him in Neyland Stadium back in 2005, the first time So-Car had ever won there. So now after both teams come off of horrific losses (So-Car at home to Vandy and Tennessee destroyed at Bama), what gives? In this crazy world of the SEC, it stands to reason that the only guarantee is that you have to yak one game at home. This one will be Tennessee’s.

PICK – SOUTH CAROLINA

Cal (5-2) at Arizona State (7-0)

I now present you with Exhibit B in my case against fraudulent teams. Actually, it could be Exhibits B and C as Cal showed their true colors once again in a pair of ugly losses to Oregon State and UCLA the last two weeks. Now it’s Arizona State’s turn. Many experts figured they’d be 7-0 when this game rolled around and I’d say 95% of those experts figured that Cal would be undefeated as well. I do know one thing about this game – there will be a lot of scoring. As for the winner, I think ASU just might have the horses…at least for this game.

PICK – ARIZONA STATE

USC (6-1) at Oregon (6-1)

This right here is the second-best game of the day in college football. If it wasn’t a Pac-10 game, Gameday would likely be there instead of where they are going this week. With the exception of their exhibition game against Notre Shame last week, the Trojans have scuffled through their other two games. Oregon is hitting their stride nicely and are just a fumbled ball out of the endzone away from being undefeated. Add in the quarterback uncertainty at USC plus having to play at VERY LOUD Autzen Stadium and I think it’s too much for Troy to handle. And by the way – Oregon girls are vastly underrated.

PICK – OREGON

Ohio State (8-0) at Penn State (6-2)

And this would be Exhibit D in my case against fraudulent teams. Just what has Ohio State done to earn their 1 ranking? They did win the Ohio state championship by beating such heavyweights as Kent State, Akron, and Youngstown State. Yes they beat Purdue and Washington on the road but those two teams aren’t exactly all that great. So now they walk into Beaver Stadium having not lost a regular season game since 2005 at…Beaver Stadium. It’s about time Penn State lays the smack down on them again, especially in front of Gameday, a national TV audience, and a student section completely clad in white. I plan on being totally wasted by the time this game ends.

PICK – PENN STATE

NFL

Lions (4-2) at Bears (3-4)

Every time I see an Eagles fan now, I’m just going to look at them, smile, and say, ‘97 yards, 1:50 to go, no timeouts.’ That’s all I need to say and it’s really funny. Of course, Lions fans could just say to me ‘4^th quarter, 34 points’ and it’ll make me cry.

PICK – BEARS

Steelers (4-2) at Bungles (2-4)

The Bungles are just brutal. Had Chad Pennington not decided to play for both teams last week, the Jets would have picked them off. They can’t make the same mistakes against a good team like the Steelers and expect to win. And I secretly wonder if Carson Palmer sees those black and gold jerseys and his knee twinges just a little.

PICK – STEELERS

Giants (5-2) vs. Fish (0-7) at London

ELIMINATOR PICK OF THE WEEK. The sad thing about this game is that Miami has to go all the way to London to get their ass kicked. But at least maybe they’ll get some culture along the way.

PICK – GIANTS

Eagles (2-4) at Vikings (2-4)

Surely the Eagles can stop Tarvaris Jackson’s potent passing attack, right? Jackson will even spot them a few yards due to a broken finger on his throwing hand. But if the Eagles couldn’t stop Brian Griese, can they really stop an injured Jackson? Oh wait, Jackson isn’t the second coming of Randall Cunningham or anything. Just stop Adrian Peterson and you’ll be fine.

PICK – EAGLES (covering my eyes)

Brownies (3-3) at Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (0-7)

I’ve seen better pillowfights in the sorority house. Anyone caught watching this game should be relegated to lawn duty the rest of the fall.

PICK – Same Old SORRY ASS Rams

Colts (6-0) at Panthers (4-2)

OK, you all know my history with the Panthers this season. Will the Colts get caught looking ahead to next week’s showdown against the Patriots? If their defense can’t contain either old man Testaverde or a banged-up Carr, then I just have the total jinx this season.

PICK – COLTS

Raiders (2-4) at Titans (4-2)

I almost made this one my Eliminator pick but I’ve already had one heart attack in that pool watching the Raiders on the road and I’m not about to put my money in the hands of a team that nearly yakked away a 25-point lead last week to the Texans. By the way, Titans kicker Rob Bironas kicked an NFL-record 8 field goals last week. I haven’t seen that much kicking since that girl was trying to get away from me on the dance floor. My shins still haven’t recovered.

PICK – TITANS

Jags (4-2) at Bucs (4-3)

It’s the battle of the two competent Florida teams but unfortunately for the Jags, they have an incompetent quarterback. David Garrard is out a month with an ankle and Florida A&M graduate Quinn Gray will get his first start. I can’t think of many defenses I wouldn’t want my first start against than the Bucs. Now if only the Bucs can score. I smell a lot of field goals in this one.

PICK – BUCS

Redskins (4-2) at Patriots (7-0)

When Randy Moss was a Viking, he walked off the field before the game ended in a loss to the Redskins. He can do the same thing on Sunday but this time, it will be after catching the touchdown pass to put the Pats up 45-10. It’s just another tune-up for Super Bowl 41 ½ taking place in Indy next week.

PICK – PATRIOTS

Bills (2-4) at Jets (1-6)

Wow, two pillow fight games in the same week!! The world should be so blessed.

PICK – JETS

Saints (2-4) at 49ers (2-4)

The suits at NBC are probably hi-fiving each other that the World Series is going on this week and thus, they won’t have to worry about showing this game to the rest of the country. The bright side of this game is that someone will win their third game of the year.

PICK – SAINTS

Packers (5-1) at Broncos (3-3)

If the Rockies are able to win just one game between now and Sunday, we will have a first in the world of sports – a Monday Night Football game and a World Series game taking place at the same time in the same city. If you live in Denver, how do you choose what to watch? Maybe it will depend on what the score of the series is at that point. As for this game, you know you can’t figure out the NFL this season when the Mules decide to play a great game with the lights on against the Steelers. I’m kind of hoping they do the same to the Pack. GB needs another loss.

PICK — BRONCOS

LAST WEEK – 17-7 (9-3 college, 8-4 pro )

SEASON — 104-54 (61-25 college, 43-29 pro)

I‘ve mentioned numerous times already this season that the Carolina Panthers are the bane of my existence. They continued their hex on me last week with their win over the Cardinals. How did they do it? They started 483-year-old Vinny Testaverde at quarterback, that’s how. It just goes to show you that practice is overrated. Fortunately, the Panthers are on their bye this week so I’ll be saved the depressing task of trying to figure that one out.

In other news, my Penn State Nittany Lions played their most complete game of 2007 in dismantling Team Cheese, aka Wisconsin. If they play like that in 2 weeks against Ohio State, the Jacksonville cops better be on high alert for a manic, drunk PSU fan roaming the streets outside the Gator Bowl.

It’s week 8 and in honor of the number 8, which looks very similar to a set of chain links, I will include a link pertaining to each and every one of the games this week. Let’s just say I’m glad I looked up all the links at work earlier this evening because I’d probably still be typing this at 5am if I hadn’t.

COLLEGE

South Florida (6-0) at Rutgers (4-2)

How many of you rubbed your eyes and wondered if you were dreaming when the BCS spit out USF as the 2 team in the country on Sunday? I know that Jimmy Johnson was beside himself with incredulity on the FOX NFL Postgame show. But this team is for real and their defense will squash Rutgers RB Ray Rice’s Heisman hopes once and for all. In fact, they are going to act like this Pamplona bull.

PICK – SOUTH FLORIDA

Miami (4-3) at Florida State (4-2)

The ACC schedule makers finally moved this game back to its rightful spot in October and yet this game will resemble the last 3 games played on Labor Day weekend – it’ll hurt your eyes to watch. Both teams’ offenses make the Diamondbacks look like the ‘27 Yankees. And that’s not good for Florida State because if history is right, the Criminoles are due for another one of these. Wouldn’t it be fun to see the look on Old Man Bowden’s face if that happened again?

PICK – FLORIDA STATE

Tennessee (4-2) at Alabama (5-2)

It’s another edition of the game that always shows up on the third Saturday in October. Fat Phil went to the whole wheat selection at the Krispy Kreme two weeks ago and it showed in his team’s dominance of Georgia. Now he takes his flying éclair on the road to a town that has some great barbecue (so I’ve been told) and rabid fans that go around dressed like this. You’ve got to hand it to this guy. He has the supplies ready for his tailgate – if he makes it to the john in time, he’s in good shape. If he doesn’t make it in time, he’s still in good shape. Who said folks in Bama didn’t use their noggins??

PICK – TENNESSEE

NC State (1-5) at East Carolina (4-3)

Police on ECU’s campus are still trying to figure out whether or not a noose was hung in one of the campus dorms last month. But let’s think about this for a second. They’re Pirates. If anything, police should be looking for a plank, a pegleg, and a loudmouth parrot.

PICK – EAST CAROLINA

Kansas (6-0) at Colorado (4-3)

In 1944, a debate raged in the Kansas school system about the authenticity of the Jayhawk.It was ruled that it was indeed a mythical creature. In 2007, a debate is simmering about the authenticity of the Kansas football team. Will the state be able to handle the news if they too are rendered a fraud?

PICK – KANSAS

Michigan (5-2) at Illinois (5-2)

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The Zooker returned to prominence last week as Illinois finally looked in the mirror and realized that they were Illinois and promptly choked away a game against lifeless Iowa. It reminded me of Zook’s 2004 Florida team yakking a game against an equally lifeless Mississippi State team that cost Zook his job. The Illini faithful won’t lynch him yet because they haven’t seen this success in a while. Speaking of lack of success, Illinois hasn’t beaten Michigan since ‘99 but it would have been since 2000 if the Referines didn’t get extra help from the zebras.

PICK – MICHIGAN

Virginia (6-1) at Maryland (4-2)

CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION – When Virginia plays on the road, strange things happen. Their only loss came in the thin air at Wyoming in week one. Two weeks ago, they should have been picked off by Middle Tennessee. Now they have to figure out a way to escape Byrd Stadium much in the same way that they escaped UCONN at home last week. And no, this is not Twerps coach Ralph Friedgen in this pic. But it does bear a striking resemblance, doesn’t it?

PICK – M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D, MARYLAND…F-OFF!!

Auburn (5-2) at LSU (6-1)

In 1988, a late touchdown by LSU to beat Auburn made the Earth shake. After the last two Tigers games, a last-second squeaker against Florida and an overtime loss to Kentucky, that gumbo and crawfish is not sitting right in Bayou Country. Fortunately, Auburn ain’t that good.

PICK – LSU

Arkansas (3-3) at Mississippi (2-5)

But Auburn isn’t nearly as bad as the Hogs, a team they beat 9-7 in the Sominex Game of the Week last Saturday in Fayetteville. This loss marked the 3^rd time this season that the Hogs have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Head Coach Houston Nutt has had more off-the-field problems than he could care to have, including people wanting to know who he’s calling on the phone. If you really want to know, I think his real estate agent is on speed dial.

PICK – ARKANSAS

Texas Tech (6-1) at Missouri (5-1)

I don’t care what the number is, take the over in this game. There will be lots of scoring which should make the Tigers official fan section, The Antlers, very happy. Wait, since when did Tigers start sprouting horns on their heads? I’m glad you asked.

PICK – MISSOURI

Florida (4-2) at Kentucky (6-1)

I apologize to Andre Woodson for questioning his ability against a ferocious defense. He silenced any critics with an awesome performance against LSU in their triple overtime upset win. At what point does Kentucky football become so important that this lovely lass makes an appearance at midfield during a timeout?

PICK – FLORIDA

Southern Miss (3-3) at Marshall (0-6)

Let’s see, USM has already given one team their first victory of the year when they went belly-up at home to Rice a few weeks back. Is there any chance that they could giftwrap a W for the folks in Huntington? I’ll bet Eagles fans wish this guy had another year of eligibility.

PICK – MARSHALL

NFL

Crows (4-2) at Bills (1-4)

I just looked at the AFC East standings and realized that the division is so bad, the Patriots could clinch the division in three weeks. That’s almost as shocking as the thoughts of what Buffalo Bill Cody might have been doing with his little Indian lady friend. back in the day. Yes, even in the 1800’s, the paparazzi was in full force.

PICK – BILLS

Cards (3-3) at Skins (3-2)

So Arizona became the latest victim in the ‘Datres-jinxed Carolina game’ last week. It didn’t help that Kurt Warner went down with an elbow injury. That forced the Cards to sign Tim Hasselbeck on Tuesday. He’s the younger brother of the Seahawks quarterback but he’s also the husband of that girl from The View. And that gives me a great excuse to show you this.

PICK – SKINS

49ers (2-3) at Giants (4-2)

This used to be THE game in the NFC every year. Montana, Simms, Rice, Little Joe Morris, Lott, LT, the list goes on and on. But the Giants were always the Niners’ kryptonite in Frisco’s dominance of the 80’s. Included in that is the day Matt Bahr became God on the heels of his kick to win the 1990 NFC Title game. I like this game so much that I’m almost staking my Eliminator pick on it. But I don’t think I can trust the Giants with a quarter million dollars.

PICK – GIANTS

Vikings (2-3) at Cowgirls (5-1)

But I can trust the Cowgirls with my money. Or so I hope. What did I tell you about the Vikings and their late-game escapes at Soldier Field? The Bears are still searching for Adrian Peterson…and no, I’m not talking about the one that is on their bench. As for the Girls, a Hall of Fame running back wearing their colors once hung a historic mark on the Norsemen. I don’t think Marion Barber will pull this trick but then, he won’t need to.

PICK – COWGIRLS

Titans (3-2) at Texans (3-3)

Once a year, Tennessee returns to their roots in Houston which gives me an excuse to share one of the absolute worst fight songs I’ve ever heard. And don’t think for a second that the Madden Curse isn’t real because Vince Young has not exactly lived up to his cover status this season…or maybe he has. That’s the fun of that Curse. Maybe a little home cookin’ will do him good.

PICK – TEXANS

Bucs (4-2) at Lions (3-2)

These two teams used to be in the same division. During the early 90’s, that meant we could watch Barry Sanders do this to the Bucs on a twice-yearly basis. The Bucs only wish they had a running back with an eighth of that talent. They just traded for Michael Bennett on Tuesday. If that fails, I hear James Wilder might be available.

PICK – BUCS

Chefs (3-3) at Raiders (2-3)

There isn’t too much to say about this game. But I will say that I had a difficult time paying attention to last week’s Bungles-Chefs game because CBS kept showing this on the sidelines.

PICK – RAIDERS

Jets (1-5) at Bungles (1-4)

The police blotter has been quiet of late in the Queen City. It makes you long for the days when Bungles players continually got in trouble. The good news on that front is that Chris Henry has 3 more games left in his suspension.

PICK – BUNGLES

Bears (2-4) at Eagles (2-3)

There are three games between these two teams that stick in my mind – the Eagles playoff win in 2003 when McNabb made the Bears defense look like they did last week against the Vikings, a 1987 regular season game in Philly because it was played with replacement players due to the strike and the Bears won, and then there was this beauty from the 1988 playoffs when the Bears beat the Eagles but not many people could really tell for sure.

PICK – EAGLES

Same Old SORRY ASS Rams (0-6) at Seahawks (3-3)

Rams PR staff is working diligently to get Tampax to sponsor the team’s ‘playing out the string’ promotion for the last 10 games of the year. But at least they can look back at this memory from last season and smile.

PICK – SEAHAWKS

Steelers (4-1) at Mules (2-3)

Had it not been for a pair of last-second/overtime field goals, the Mules would be winless as well. Fortunately for them, these guys are taking the heat off of them. Can baseball season last until Christmas?

PICK – STEELERS

Colts (5-0) at Jags (4-1)

Last week, I asked what else there was to do in Jacksonville besides Jags games. I took the liberty of doing some research and found that there’s a really cool museum called MOSH that is hosting a Chemistry Explorathon on Saturday. I don’t know about you, but I love me a little moshing, especially when I know that there might be some chemistry involved.

PICK — JAGS