DATRES AT THE DESK:
The Rants
By Chris Datres, special contributer to Radio Happy Hour
Hello everyone. Welcome to week 1 of THE RANTS!! A quick piece of background — these began as an aid to a friend of mine who was trying to make her weekly football picks in a pool. They grew into a life of its own by the end of last season. The funny part is that said friend took a long time to go along with the picks, probably because she was laughing too hard at the reasons behind those picks. Anyway, here it goes and feel free to take my advice to the windows in Vegas…that is, if you can get good straight-up odds with some of these games.
Without further ado…heerrrrrre we go!!
Tulsa at Louisiana-Monroe
Tulsa’s nickname is the Golden Hurricane. So how inappropriate is it that they’ll be playing in the same state which will be 3 days past the 2-year anniversary of one of the worst hurricanes to hit this nation? I mean, how cruel is that? At least change the nickname…or the mascot, which looks like a chicken mcnugget. Seriously, check it out — Captain Cane
PICK — TULSA
LSU at Mississippi State
ESPN has a lot of stake in this game. They’re doing a 25-hour pregame for this monumental tilt. And, they’re pulling a lot of airtime with Shaq plucking their mascot out of a tree. I mean, seriously, how in the world does a mascot with that big of a head get stuck in Bristol and how lucky was ESPN that Shaq just happened to be around?
PICK — LSU
Weber State at Boise State
A game like this might make you colorblind — blue turf on the Boise field plus Weber’s purple uniforms equals sensory overload. You’ll have to add a little bit of red to those Weber uniforms because they’ll be bleeding heavily. Over/Under on how long it takes the TV people to show the cute cheerleader who got the marriage proposal at the Fiesta Bowl last year — NOT SOON ENOUGH
PICK — BOISE
Navy at Temple
I say it every year during basketball season — you gotta love Hooters. But if you love Hooters in this game, or any other football game this season, you need to just give me your wallet. Temple is still brutal and would have a hard time beating the Navy glee club, let alone the actual football team.
PICK — NAVY
Colorado State at Colorado
This is always a fun matchup. A couple years ago, police tear-gassed CSU fans as they stormed the field after a win. In another instance, Dolphins linebacker and CU alum Joey Porter got shot in the ass after a game. CU’s coach looks like Nick Nolte and his son is slated to be the starting QB. I wonder if this guy can kick a football into the stands like Nolte did with a basketball in Blue Chips.
PICK — COLORADO (police presence required)
Western Kentucky at Florida
What a way for the Gators to open their title defense. They’re playing against a team whose logo is a hand waving a towel. The towel in the logo is red but it really will need to be white because they’ll be waving it in surrender very early. Plus, they’ll need those towels because the game is a 12:30 start…in Florida…in one of the hottest stretches this area sees. Good scheduling.
PICK — FLORIDA
Montana State at Texas A&M
Nice tradition at A&M — guys get to kiss their dates after every touchdown. I knew I should have gone there. Though with my luck, they probably would have been shutout every game. Girls are sure to have hickeys after this game.
PICK — TEXAS A&M
Missouri at Illinois
Probably the second best game on the slate this week. Both teams have a lot of experience returning. Unfortunately for the Illini, their experience won all of 2 games last year while Missouri went to a bowl game. Plus, Illinois is handcuffed by the fact that their coach is Ron Zook, who once showed up at a fight at a fraternity at Florida and wanted to take someone on.
PICK — MISSOURI
UCONN at Duke
What a great game. Trajan Langdon, Elton Brand, Corey Maggette, Khalid-el Amin, Jake Voskuhl…holy crap, what a lot of talent. Huh? What’s that? This isn’t basketball? Oh. Well then, why bother with it??
PICK — UCONN
Oklahoma State at Georgia
This is the best game on the docket this week. Oak State has a high-flying offense returning with possibly, the best wideout in the country in Adarius Bowman (think another Calvin Johnson). However, it’s tough to win in Athens and the Dawgs have some good experience returning too. This will be the only serious pick on this list.
PICK — GEORGIA
North Texas at Oklahoma
Ok, back to being sarcastic again. This game would look good at Christmas — Red sooner unis and Green UNT unis. UNT’s coach is in his first year after guiding SouthLake High School to a few state titles in Texas. So think of this as a real-life Friday Night Lights…except without the cute ending at the end.
PICK — OKLAHOMA
Florida International at Penn State
Ah yes, a game after my own heart. There are two underlying questions in this game — will FIU score and if they do, how much trash will the disgruntled PSU fans leave behind for the players to clean up the next day? If you didn’t hear, JoePa is punishing his players this year for their lack of leadership in an assault incident in town this spring that he’s having everyone clean all the trash out of Beaver Stadium on Sunday. It’s a 107,000-seat stadium. And they’ll start by taking out the first piece of trash beginning at noon on Saturday.
PICK — PENN STATE
Northern Colorado at Hawaii
Hawaii’s QB Colt Brennan will put up some insane numbers in the beginning to what he hopes is an undefeated record and Heisman Trophy campaign. That’s all fine and good. What I want to know is how the competition for Northern Colorado’s punting job is. Last year, the sub stabbed the starter in the hopes of getting to play. You gotta admire that grit and determination to do whatever it takes to get out on that field.
PICK — HAWAII
Texas Tech at SMU
Read this fast because that’s how quick this game will be. Tech throws it all over the field and SMU’s nickname is the Mustangs. Tech has the better horses in this game, though. Just hope no one has to step through any horse patties in this one.
PICK — TEXAS TECH
So that’ll do it for this week. I’ll be back around this time next week and there will be a bunch more games to go through, including the first week of the NFL season. Feel free to leave comments and remember — it ain’t my fault that you don’t take my advice!!
Email Chris Datres