I’m out there, Jerry, and I’m lovin’ every minute of it!
It may come as a shock to many of you, but I enjoy when people log on and read what I have to say. I’m not writing this for my health. So, from time to time I think of ways to get the name “Dr. Blogstein” out there.
Sometimes I send spam emails and other times I take credit for crimes that I didn’t commit in the off chance that they say my name on the news. This week I decided to do what all attention starved wanna be celebrities do: I went partying without any underwear.
“Going Commando” has become a surefire way of getting some press–we’ve seen it recently with the daily Britney and Paris Crotch Watch Updates on gossip sites like Perez Hilton and Gawker–and I wanted in!
Well, its not as easy as I thought. First of all, I tried getting out of
the back seat of a car numerous amount of times but not once was I exposed. Apparently, its a lot easier in a skirt, which I wasn’t about to try.
So I had to push the issue by “accidentally” leaving my fly open so something falls out as I exit a car. That worked, but the problem I then faced was there weren’t any photographers around. How do Paris and Britney get so lucky to have cameras around every time they make a mistake?!?
I’m going to have to revisit this plan. Stay tuned.
I’m also going to have to rethink this “freeballing” lifestyle. Its not as comfortable as its cracked up to be. For one thing, underwear serves as a nice layer of protection between you and the zipper. Rubbing up against those metal teeth is not my idea of comfort.
Underwear is also quite handy for when you want to wear khaki or any light color pants. Otherwise, every trip to the urinal has to end with a long and drawn out ceremonial dance to ensure that no drop remains when Little Johnny returns home.
And don’t get me started on wearing sweat pants to the gym. It would happen to you too had you been watching Ashley do those lunges!
In conclusion, I sit here hoping that you all learned something from this post. Admittedly, I’m not quite sure what lessons are hidden in these paragraphs but I would hate to think that I tell of these embarrassing tales without it having some educational benefit.
December 8th, 2006 at 3:35 am
Hey doc, I thought the zipper was the primary reason for going commando. Is there anything more exhilarating than a brass zipper dragging its sharp, jagged hooks across your tenderloins? If you find out what it is, let me know.
December 8th, 2006 at 5:39 pm
Doc, you gotta warn a girl about these post!
I just got out of a meeting where I had to read the touchy feely inspirational reflection to kick it all off. The piece I read had word “freedom” in it twice. Do you know I nearly said “freeball” not once but twice?!
December 8th, 2006 at 5:50 pm
I so wish you had accidentaly said “freeball”! That would have been quite a story!!
December 8th, 2006 at 7:41 pm
Oh I pretty much did the second time. The first time I thought “freeball” right before I said it. The second time I actually started to say with. Fortunately I work with a bunch of pretty crass women so it would have been ok. I think
December 8th, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Trying again…Had a problem commenting before.
I am a fan of the “commando” club, choosing to wear it low so the zipper is not a problem. I also feel that bluejeans are the only acceptable pants to wear when going commando. Wearing a pair of dress slacks is not recommended.
December 9th, 2006 at 12:07 am
My ex husband used to do it wearing lycra bike shorts.
/shudder
December 9th, 2006 at 12:52 am
Starrlight: And that’s one of the reasons why he is your ex.. right?
Dearest Doc: I certainly hope you will give freeballing a second chance, I too like Bond am a fan of the ‘commando club’. But word to the wise, avoid leather and wool pants.
Oh.. and green pants.. they’re just wrong.
As for photographers, you may consider conducting your experiment at Niagara Falls. There are always many cameras there at the ready. However this locale may generate an entirely different ‘drip’ issue and whether or not you are wearing khakis would be a moot point.
I must say, that the most informative and educational aspect of today’s offering has been the revelation that you call your apparatus Little Johnny. Thank you for sharing.
Regret telling me my comments were too short yet?
December 9th, 2006 at 5:17 am
And I can’t believe you called Little Johnny “an apparatus.” He’s far mroe than that. He’s a weapon. And a friend.
December 9th, 2006 at 6:35 am
Thought-provoking and instructive Doc! “Little Johnny” so that’s what you call “IT”?
Being somewhat of an exhibitionist myself, I can only tell you that wool undies in the winter months do wonders for preventing colds. In the warmer months let her rip!
Thanks again for brightening up my day!
Tisha
December 9th, 2006 at 1:39 pm
Dearest Doc:
Apparatus: one or more pieces of equipment on or with which gymnastics is performed.
Gee you googled sciurophobia… thought you’d be curious as to this particular choice of wording…
Oh.. it can also be defined as a machine, a fire engine…
But if you prefer weapon… that also is very informative. Now, be careful who you point that weapon at Mister. And please don’t ask anyone to ’say hello to your little friend’ ..it’s been done.
December 9th, 2006 at 4:15 pm
Are you a gymnast, Anndi? Want to try my beam?
Oh, and Tisha, Little Johnny sends his love.
December 9th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
The lycra pants were just one of many reasons, Anndi. Did I mention they had holes in them? It was like something out of Benny Hill, only not as funny. Or clean. Hygenically speaking.
Doc, I gotta say I love this site. I get to meet all sorts of intersting folks; Little Johnny, Anndi, and Tisha to name but a few.
I blogrolled Anndi and Tisha. I think “blogrolling” Little Johnny is a legal offence in several states and probably breaks online statutes as well
December 9th, 2006 at 5:14 pm
You just got me thinking…perhaps Little Johnny should have his own blog. He has a lot to offer. I truly enjoy his company and I’d love to share him with you, Starr, and Anndi and Tisha. Not Bond or Slagger. Sorry guys.
December 9th, 2006 at 7:07 pm
Genius!
No seriously, a blog written from the perspective of a penis?!
Get to work, Doc. I am pretty damn positive your work would be more “uplifting” than your average Cosmo articles on what guys really think.
I am serious, here. Go on…get to work…shoo!
December 9th, 2006 at 7:57 pm
Doc.. no offense that you are not sharing with me…
BUT stop stealing all the best women around here..Starrlight, Tisha and NOW Anndi, give us other guys a break dude.
December 9th, 2006 at 8:44 pm
Perhaps you could attract some attention by selling some advertising on your “bone appetite” Question is, will the ad read, “UPS” or something like, “Hair Club For Men?”
That should at least bring out some photographers.
December 9th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
Bond: I’m as surprised as you are…who knew these chicks would choose brains over good looks?
12th Poster: I actually do sell advertising on Little Johnny and the ad on Little Johnny does in fact read “UPS”.
That is, until Tisha walks in the door, then it reads “UPSTAIRS JAZZ BAR AND GRILLE–THE FINEST IN MONTREAL NIGHTLIFE”
December 9th, 2006 at 10:02 pm
Starr: I have some bad news. I approached Little Johnny about being the first penis to ever have his own blog. He said he was flattered but feared he’d have trouble coming
December 9th, 2006 at 10:03 pm
Sorry, forgot to finish my thought…Little Johnny feared he’d have trouble coming up with things to write about.
December 10th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
A Little Johnny blog Doc! You’ll have no trouble cumming up with material my darling!
bond baby Doc has never said he wasn’t into sharing US just Little Johnny, there’s enough love to go around! But I’ll leave that up to him …
Doc, us “chicks” can’t get enough of your brains, wicked wit and Little Johnny, you’re da BOMB!
“UPSTAIRS JAZZ BAR AND GRILLE–THE FINEST IN MONTREAL NIGHTLIFE” – hmmmmmmmmmmm
December 10th, 2006 at 3:40 pm
Tish, the other problem was that Little Johnny confessed that he’s not a very good typer. I suppose one way of remedying that is if you handle the dic
December 10th, 2006 at 3:41 pm
Sorry, forgot to finish my thought again…one way of remedying that is if Tisha can handle the dictation.
December 10th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Oh my GOD!!! You’re O-U-T-R-A-G-E-O-U-S Dr. Blogstein, gotta love ya!
I’ll send you my curriculum vitae; you’ll see that I have many years of experience as a good “secretetary” and ass
December 10th, 2006 at 4:43 pm
Forgetting to finish your thought is contagious…I meant to say “assistant”. I guess it requires lots of hands-on experience too?
December 10th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
Well, Tisha, its becoming increasingly clear that I need you to suc
December 10th, 2006 at 6:53 pm
geez, I keep getting cut off! Its becoming increasingly clear that I need you to successfully transcribe Little Johnny’s thoughts if we have any chance of creating a blog for him.
December 10th, 2006 at 8:45 pm
Temperature rising!
You obviously need a hand Doc. I will come to your suc
December 10th, 2006 at 8:46 pm
Dang nabbit, symptoms worsening…is there a doctor in the house?!
…I will come to your succor under one condition…that you are ready to lic
December 10th, 2006 at 8:47 pm
I feel faint…license part of the rights to the blog to me?
Doc I think we should continue this “conversation” in private :->-
December 10th, 2006 at 10:34 pm
Funny blog!
December 10th, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Thanks, buddy. Keep coming back!
December 11th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
Dearest Doc :
Actually, I’m a contortionist. But I’ve always had a fascination with the trampoline… must be all the bouncing. Up… down… up…. down…
I must say, I am crushed that Little Johnny will not have a place to .. shall we say.. express himself…
Hey and I’ve been to the UPSTAIRS JAZZ BAR AND GRILLE–THE FINEST IN MONTREAL NIGHTLIFE… many times.. over and over again.
Keep this is mind, Confucious say: finishing later is better than sooner. Don’t be too quick to get that looked at.
Starrlight: Thanks for the roll… you’re being tagged on to my luggage. And… um… that is SO disturbing… what, he needed ventilation?
Bondbaby: no worries.. you know I left my underwear.. wait.. I wasn’t weari… You know I love my time on the Couch…
December 11th, 2006 at 5:41 pm
Tisha:
What the Doc doesn’t know won’t hurt him and it appears he is going to be tied up getting little johnny started…
Anndi.. so those weren’t YOUR underwear?
December 12th, 2006 at 8:51 am
bond sweetheart:
Ignorance is bliss? From what I understand Doc doesn’t have ANY trouble getting Little Johnny started but he probably would enjoy being tied up
And since Doc hasn’t voiced any objections I’m coming to spend some time on your couch…
February 3rd, 2007 at 7:04 pm
You need to become BFFs with Paris, Lindsay, and Britney. That way, the cameras will always be there!
Here via the blog carnival.
February 3rd, 2007 at 7:51 pm
(The carnival sent me!)
I’m imagining a headline “Assault and battery charges filed by local blogger”… and the police sketch artist does a picture of a zipper.
I love how you’re perfectly ok with having everything all hangin’ out there, but you don’t want any pee drops to be visible. ‘Cuz ya know it’s splendid to be a flasher, but god forbid we should be peeing our pants in between ‘flashes.’
THAT would be bad.
February 3rd, 2007 at 10:12 pm
I guess that’s one way to get “exposure” for your blog but next time you have to alert the paparazzi ahead of time that you’re going to be hanging out with Brit and Paris so that they’ll be right there with flashbulbs (okay, I’m showing my age!) flashing when Little Johnny makes his debut!
Came over from the carnival – glad I did!
August 1st, 2010 at 9:45 am
How did you make this template? I got a blog as well and my template looks kinda bad so people don’t stay on my blog very long :/.