In my on going effort to make this world more Blogstein friendly, and by that I mean, much less annoying, I periodically and systematically ban certain behavior that gets on my nerves. In BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN back in May, I decreed the end of such annoyances as The Open Ended “or”. Then in July, BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN II tried to do away with such idiocy as the pretentious pronunciation of Moots-A-Rel Cheese.

As a result of my public service, the world has become 13.8% less annoying. Not bad, but we obviously have a long way to go, so let’s get started with BANNED BY BLOGSTEIN III:

BANNED! Performing Friends Unless you’re on Broadway or opening up for the Rolling Stones at The Garden don’t ask me to go see your shows. Forgive me if I don’t want to see you play “Aunt Esther” in your community theater group’s stage performance of Sanford and Son or watch you play drums in your KISS tribute band. You’re not my child, I don’t need to be at all your shows!

BANNED! “My eyes are up here” Please, spare me the disingenuous shock when I happen to be glancing at your breasts while having a conversation with you. Don’t act like you just didn’t spend an hour and a half in your bedroom trying on outfits to find one that your chest looks good in. If you don’t want anyone to look at your boobs, then don’t wear a baby-T with the word “SLUT” across your tits. And you know what? Sometimes we are talking to your pontoons because they’re a helluva lot more interesting than the rest of you!

BANNED! “What are you doing on Saturday Night?” If you want to invite me to do something please just ask me. Give me the option of making up an excuse. I hate when people put me on the spot by opening up with “What are you doing later?” Now what do I do? He could be offering me tickets to the game or asking me to help him move! From now on, for the sake of humanity, just come out and tell me what you’re about to offer. Don’t put me in the position where I might end up spending the night at your lame ballet recital!

That should hold the world over until I can ban some more that keeps the human race from being perfect.

“There are 36.8 million fantasy football players in the U.S., many of whom are playing when they should be working. The price of all that lost productivity: $1.1 billion, according to recent study by Challenger, Gray & Christmas” and published in Forbes.

We tried to organize a blogger league here but we soon found out that only seven of those 36.8 million people read Dr. Blogstein–not 7 million, just 7.

But anyway, due to the overwhelming popularity of fantasy football it was only a matter of time that some enterprising film makers took it to the big screen.

Please enjoy THREE clips from the upcoming mockumentary, Fantasy Football-The Movie:

Iraq is in a Civil War.

There, I said it. I’ve actually been saying this since February. The White House rejects the idea and the media had been pussy-footing around it until NBC’s Matt “You’re Being Glib” Lauer decided to use the term yesterday.

What I don’t get is the hesitancy to acknowledge it? Isn’t it a good thing? Doesn’t it not only show that democracy has taken hold but its way ahead of schedule? I mean, it took our democracy 85 years to get to our civil war, Iraq has reached theirs in just four short years! It’s rather impressive!

What we really should do is get out of their way. We didn’t have any referees at our civil war so we should allow Iraq the same opportunity to enjoy a free for all. I know George W. Bush loves his wars but this one isn’t his anymore. If you love something, let it go. There are plenty more countries that need attacking, let’s move on.

What I find most amazing about the Iraqi Civil War is the level of hate the Sunnis and the Shiites (or “Shia”, but I like “Shiites” better) have for each other. Both groups despise the US but not enough to join forces against us. Now that is a hatred that I would not want to get in the middle of.

Can somebody in the New York City area PLEASE attend this and report back as a guest reviewer? Actual email contents to follow:

Last month, October 21st to be exact, I gave my readers a choice of whether or not I should interview a man named Edmond McGuyer. McGuyer, who looks like super-villain Lex Luthor, has a business, which for one reason or another, he wants to tell my readers (that would be you) all about.

Personally, I wasn’t all that interested, but if my readers wanted to hear from him I would not deny them of that. Much to my surprise and dismay, you guys wanted to see Lex Luthor interviewed.

Since then, I’ve been getting constant emails from McGuyer (and his alter-ego which he seems all too excited to embrace.) It was clear he was not going to leave me alone until I came through with this interview.

So, it is without further a doo-doo, that I bring you the piece that you all demanded a month ago. With Thanksgiving in our rear view mirror, holiday gift buying time is here. But where should we go to get what we want? Edmond McGuyer hopes that one day the answer to that question is ShopFromHomepage.com

Dr. Blogstein: Edmond, let’s just get started with something I’m really very curious about: Are you mentally stable?

Edmond Mcguyer: Sure I am, but I guess it depends on who you ask. My doctor says I am as long as I take my prescribed medication; otherwise, I tend to get a little giddy. It can also depend on the day of the week. I mean if it’s a nice day and I offer free advertising to so-called merchants of opportunity and they don’t want it, while at the same time they are struggling to get noticed, well then, yes on those days I question my sanity. And definitely theirs! But I feel great today, Dr. Blogstein. Top of the world.

Dr. B: Forgive me if I’m still not convinced of your sanity. But I do agree that turning down free advertising is a questionable business decision. Who turned down free advertising and why would they do that?

EM: I am glad you asked that. When I started my campaign of “Walking the Streets of Tucson” I met an insurance agent, small business consultant, and several people at local networking organizations whose purpose is to get leads. I decided to offer a few the opportunity to get leads free for one year, but they declined! Why? Well it could probably be summed up in one word, but it may be more prudent to elucidate. For some reason, Tucson merchants share an attitude of indifference. Many merchants I visited have no advertising budget: many of these merchants have no business, no traffic! When asked if they would accept free advertising for a year, they thought there was a catch, or they think they don’t need to advertise! Is it any wonder that Tucson was so instrumental in the creation of ShopFromHomepage? It is no wonder that I or anyone else can find practically nothing nearby.

Dr. B: Hold up, we’ll get to your business, but first, you claim on one of your websites that a “celebrity guest” will be answering reader’s questions at 11:00 PM on December 1st. Who is the celebrity?

EM: Yes! Yes I did. In fact, he is going to do more than just answer questions: he is going to dazzle us with his eloquence, his legacy, and finesse. He will apprise us on current events and, answer 20 questions. And sure Dr. Blogstein, I’d love to tell you his identity, but I can’t very well whisper it to you. Besides, Lex would probably kill me if I ruined the surprise: this is his and my first feature of “Lex Luthor Presents”. This should really be good with a lot of revelations, as you’d expect and more than just a few insights.

Dr. B: I’m intrigued. I hope its for real. Why was it so important to you to be interviewed on Dr. Blogstein?

EM: I rate you. Everyone I know rates you. I want to be interviewed by a revered, first rate professional that educates as well as entertains. After following you and your subtle prose for news and current events, I knew that it would be best for me to be honored by you and your readership, which is both sagacious and profound.

Dr. B: You sure you’re talking about this Dr. Blogstein?

Your business, ShopFromHomepage.com, what is it and why should we care?

EM: In four words, it’s a paradigm shift. It’s a relatively simple idea that offers ease amongst conventional advertising. It’s a vehicle utilizing a map that offers opportunity for local business to compete against the majors. SFH is revolutionizing the way the web is being used by localizing each search and making it more visual. This is more than Google or the Yellow pages can offer, which require a laborious process of opening up each page and checking the contact details just to find a pizza two streets away: provided you know the street. With SFH you look, you find, you go. It’s that easy!

Dr. B: I still don’t see how it’s any different from the Yellow Pages or a simple Google Search?

EM: SFH is also paid advertising; however, in terms of the Yellow Pages, it is cheaper and better. It gives instant visual results. It is easier to find and easier to remember. In terms of Google, its better in the event you were looking for a service locally, you don’t know the name of the shop (or even if there is one) and you don’t know the area that well.

For the price of a one day ad, you can offer location to customers for one year. Imagine an opportunity to promote your pizza parlor next to, say a Domino’s; if the local merchant buys the ad space first, they will get the exposure for as little as a hundred dollars. It works both ways though, if Domino’s wants to block out the local merchant, they can effectively for only a few hundred dollars a year. We provide an incredible cost effective opportunity, designed for the local, but also available to a major.

Google is better at being all inclusive: you have to pay to get on SFH, but we’re better than the Yellow Pages and where fast, targeted results are concerned, we’re better than Google too.

Dr. B: So you are a champion for the little guy? A hero to the “Mom and Pop” Shops?

EM: Yes, in principle I am. The concept and fundamentals have always been to favor the “Mom and Pop’s”. Considering an investment of a hundred dollars pooled with other merchants with similar budgetary constraints; this platform provides an excellent opportunity that they will never have: a chance to compete against the majors on a level playing field. But again, an opportunity exists for any and all who want more customers: if local community merchants want to stay in the shadows while another Target zeros in and acquires valuable real estate, both physical and cyber, then our hands are tied. Competition thrives for those who embrace and appreciate the potential for rewards.

Personally, I hope that local merchants will welcome and utilize such affordable advertising: I do believe in supporting the concept of local business being available for the benefit of the local community. The experience of patronizing a small, local business has for the most part, provided a relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere where you can find pride from ownership: exuberated in their smiles and those of their customers.

Dr. B: You’re selling me on this a little. You seem slightly less weird at the moment. How long do you think it will take before ShopFromHomepage.com is a household name like eBay or Google?

EM: Well, I was kind of hoping after the interview: after getting the notoriety that comes from being with the #1 blogger in the world! But realistically, it may take some time: it takes dedication for a company this ambitious. Many of us still remember the days when it was ‘Google? What’s that?’

This time next year everybody will be saying: ‘SFH? You’re not on the map? Why not?’

Dr. B: Have you ever been arrested?

EM: No, not yet. But it’s always a possibility I guess. If more merchants of opportunity don’t get on the map, I may decide to try it. If I do, can you or someone else recommend a good one with cable and dependable internet access?

Dr. B: Recommend a good what with cable and dependable internet access? I think you’re back to “weird”.

Write a catchy jingle for ShopFromHomepage.com so that all Dr. Blogstein readers will have it stuck in their head.

EM: Ok Dr. B. We’ve been kind of toying with this one...“If you gotta shop, shop from homepage, if you’re lost, ShopFromHomepage, if you don’t know what to do, and your flight takes off at 2, shop from home, ShopFromHomepage”

Since you brought it up, I thought this could be another great Dr. Blogstein moment and have a contest for a jingle. The winner would get a back stage pass entitling them to meet some of the performers at Friday night’s show!

Dr. B: Relax buddy, I’ll make up my own contests here. It’s been a pleasure my friend and I hope it was all you dreamed about. Any last thoughts?

EM: Well yes, it’s definitely been an honor for me and a pleasure to be interviewed by the world renowned Dr Blogstein. To commemorate this occasion, I would like to place an image of your blog in Hollywood on the SFH map: so all may have a chance to see Dr. Blogstein while searching for the stars. This time next year when I’ve taken over the web I’ll be able to say: “Dr. Blogstein gave me a boost just when I needed one.” Thank you.

Dr. B: I appreciate that and encourage everyone to check you out online. If you own a small business, try out ShopFromHomepage.com. Its a small investment so its not much of a risk. Thank you, Edmond or Lex or whichever personality you are at the moment.