The headline of this post is ridiculous and obviously not true (I think.) However, it is there to demonstrate a point.

A new book claims that famed escape artist Harry Houdini was a spy for Scotland Yard, monitored Russian anarchists and chased counterfeiters for the U.S. Secret Service. According to The Secret Life of Houdini, the magician used his act as a front for his real career in espionage and law enforcement.

All of this is fascinating and is making big news today, a full EIGHTY years after the death of Houdini. There is probably nobody left alive who had ever watched Houdini perform yet we all know who Houdini was. And we’re all intrigued by these new revelations.

Is there anyone alive today that you think we’ll be interested in 80 years after they die? I’ve been thinking about it all day and can’t come up with a single one.

Maybe Madonna. Maybe.

They don’t make famous people like they used to. Guys like Harry Houdini and Babe Ruth were larger than life. They were legends while they were still living. Celebrities of today are lame and disposable.

Are our great-great grandkids going to care when a book comes out proving that Ryan Seacrest was an undercover CIA operative using American Idol auditions as a front to hunt down terrorists? No. They’ll probably ask, “Ryan who?” Will they care when the definitive Oprah biography claims that she was the driving force behind the War in Iraq?

We are still in awe of Harry Houdini–a man who has been dead for almost thirty years longer than he was alive. Who will our great-great grandchildren be in awe with?

Probably Harry Houdini.

I do not believe anyone who has ever claimed to have had sex on a commercial airline flight. No way.

As I was flying this week for undisclosed reasons I got to thinking about joining what is known as “The Mile High Club.” No, its not as if I had the opportunity, I simply began thinking about sex, as I’m prone to do, and I happened to have been on an airplane at the time.

I began wondering how, if presented with the chance, would I go about having sex on an airplane. I determined that its not possible.

Sure, technically it is physically possible–you could do it in the aisle or in your seat (no, I mean in your airplane seat!)–but I was thinking practically, as if I really were to sneak off with someone to do it. And I just don’t see how it could be done.

There is no way that two people could sneak into one of the bathrooms without being detected. There are flight attendants all over the place and seemingly always someone waiting for the bathroom. If they’re not waiting when you get there, someone would be waiting to catch you when you exit the bathroom. If by some chance you do sneak in and sneak out (of the bathroom, sicko!), I can’t imagine you could be quiet enough not to be heard from outside.

I think anyone who claims to have given new meaning to “cockpit” is lying. There is no feasible way to have undetected sex on an airplane. Anyone out there wishing to prove me wrong, I’ll meet you at the airport.

I know it’s been joked about before, but its time to take it seriously. Al Qaeda needs to get laid.

Islamic Fundamentalists have deprived themselves from vices for way too long. Do you think they’d be this angry if they were allowed to indulge in sex, drugs and alcohol? Of course not. Would they be plotting to destroy the western world if their women weren’t covered up from head to toe? No.

They’re your fat friend who is so nasty and cranky all the time because they’re not getting any. Al Qaeda wants to destroy us because they’re so damn jealous. In the Muslim world, you need to blow yourself up in the name of Allah to get your shot at 72 virgins. Here in America, all you need are SAT scores high enough to get you into college.

We’re fighting this war all wrong. We need to bring vice to the dessert. We need to give new meaning to “The Gaza Strip.” We need to loosen up these wackos and show them how to enjoy life.

I mean, look at Jenna Jameson, who is probably the cover girl for Infidel Magazine. Just look at her.

Wow.

I’ve lost my point.

Oh, yes, look at Jenna. If Bin Laden saw that this existed, don’t you think he’d think twice about what kind of life he was fighting for?

Last week, I brought you the option of whether or not we want to hear from super-villain look-a-like Edmond McGuyer about his budding business ShopFromHomepage.com. My readers spoke and asked for more “Lex Luthor” and while I don’t have the interview yet, I do have more “Lex Luthor.”

Once again, I need help from you the reader. This time, not to decide if I should pursue a story, but I need your help to figure out what in the bloody hell this guy is talking about in his latest email to me. And here I thought it couldn’t get any wierder than Father Felony…

From: Edmond mcguyer
To: drblogstein@gmail.com
Date: Oct 26, 2006
4:46 PM
Subject: Lex Luthor

Last week I came to you for help because I knew that you could help me. After you spoke of World Domination and Lex Luthor, something happened. I’m not sure what you did, but I just wanted your advice and help. Now I have Lex Luthor on my ass!!

I did not know you are sometimes a mad scientist. Perhaps I need to tell the world of what you have created. Should I go on to my mentor, Dr. Blogstein, and let all who will listen know that Lex is out again and he is interested in not only dominating ShopFromHomepage, but the Top Blog spot as well!

Edmond, I mean, Lex Luthor

Huh?!?

After I read that, I discovered this: http://takingoverthewebonecityatatime.blogspot.com/ and I quote:

Long ago, I was cast into darkness by a very impressive adversary for his day, but his time was no longer. After Edmond McGuyer went to visit a doctor, the famous Dr. B, it seems that something went terribly wrong and a dichotomy was unleashed on the world: something no one was ready for. Lex Luthor came to be after Dr. B. and Edmond were discussing how to best handle the pressures of World Domination. With that, Lex Luthor has been unleashed to reign again. What happened Dr. B? I just wanted some help and advice. It’s not like I need this dude in my head!! Help!

I think I echo the mad man when he says, “Help!”

I originally brought this up back when only me and my mom read Dr. Blogstein. Now that the world has discovered my brilliant words, I can actually test this theory that I have:

I’m convinced that everyone in the USA has or knows someone who has met or seen Henry Winkler. Ask around.