The headline of this post is ridiculous and obviously not true (I think.) However, it is there to demonstrate a point.

A new book claims that famed escape artist Harry Houdini was a spy for Scotland Yard, monitored Russian anarchists and chased counterfeiters for the U.S. Secret Service. According to The Secret Life of Houdini, the magician used his act as a front for his real career in espionage and law enforcement.

All of this is fascinating and is making big news today, a full EIGHTY years after the death of Houdini. There is probably nobody left alive who had ever watched Houdini perform yet we all know who Houdini was. And we’re all intrigued by these new revelations.

Is there anyone alive today that you think we’ll be interested in 80 years after they die? I’ve been thinking about it all day and can’t come up with a single one.

Maybe Madonna. Maybe.

They don’t make famous people like they used to. Guys like Harry Houdini and Babe Ruth were larger than life. They were legends while they were still living. Celebrities of today are lame and disposable.

Are our great-great grandkids going to care when a book comes out proving that Ryan Seacrest was an undercover CIA operative using American Idol auditions as a front to hunt down terrorists? No. They’ll probably ask, “Ryan who?” Will they care when the definitive Oprah biography claims that she was the driving force behind the War in Iraq?

We are still in awe of Harry Houdini–a man who has been dead for almost thirty years longer than he was alive. Who will our great-great grandchildren be in awe with?

Probably Harry Houdini.

I do not believe anyone who has ever claimed to have had sex on a commercial airline flight. No way.

As I was flying this week for undisclosed reasons I got to thinking about joining what is known as “The Mile High Club.” No, its not as if I had the opportunity, I simply began thinking about sex, as I’m prone to do, and I happened to have been on an airplane at the time.

I began wondering how, if presented with the chance, would I go about having sex on an airplane. I determined that its not possible.

Sure, technically it is physically possible–you could do it in the aisle or in your seat (no, I mean in your airplane seat!)–but I was thinking practically, as if I really were to sneak off with someone to do it. And I just don’t see how it could be done.

There is no way that two people could sneak into one of the bathrooms without being detected. There are flight attendants all over the place and seemingly always someone waiting for the bathroom. If they’re not waiting when you get there, someone would be waiting to catch you when you exit the bathroom. If by some chance you do sneak in and sneak out (of the bathroom, sicko!), I can’t imagine you could be quiet enough not to be heard from outside.

I think anyone who claims to have given new meaning to “cockpit” is lying. There is no feasible way to have undetected sex on an airplane. Anyone out there wishing to prove me wrong, I’ll meet you at the airport.

I know it’s been joked about before, but its time to take it seriously. Al Qaeda needs to get laid.

Islamic Fundamentalists have deprived themselves from vices for way too long. Do you think they’d be this angry if they were allowed to indulge in sex, drugs and alcohol? Of course not. Would they be plotting to destroy the western world if their women weren’t covered up from head to toe? No.

They’re your fat friend who is so nasty and cranky all the time because they’re not getting any. Al Qaeda wants to destroy us because they’re so damn jealous. In the Muslim world, you need to blow yourself up in the name of Allah to get your shot at 72 virgins. Here in America, all you need are SAT scores high enough to get you into college.

We’re fighting this war all wrong. We need to bring vice to the dessert. We need to give new meaning to “The Gaza Strip.” We need to loosen up these wackos and show them how to enjoy life.

I mean, look at Jenna Jameson, who is probably the cover girl for Infidel Magazine. Just look at her.

Wow.

I’ve lost my point.

Oh, yes, look at Jenna. If Bin Laden saw that this existed, don’t you think he’d think twice about what kind of life he was fighting for?

Last week, I brought you the option of whether or not we want to hear from super-villain look-a-like Edmond McGuyer about his budding business ShopFromHomepage.com. My readers spoke and asked for more “Lex Luthor” and while I don’t have the interview yet, I do have more “Lex Luthor.”

Once again, I need help from you the reader. This time, not to decide if I should pursue a story, but I need your help to figure out what in the bloody hell this guy is talking about in his latest email to me. And here I thought it couldn’t get any wierder than Father Felony…

From: Edmond mcguyer
To: drblogstein@gmail.com
Date: Oct 26, 2006
4:46 PM
Subject: Lex Luthor

Last week I came to you for help because I knew that you could help me. After you spoke of World Domination and Lex Luthor, something happened. I’m not sure what you did, but I just wanted your advice and help. Now I have Lex Luthor on my ass!!

I did not know you are sometimes a mad scientist. Perhaps I need to tell the world of what you have created. Should I go on to my mentor, Dr. Blogstein, and let all who will listen know that Lex is out again and he is interested in not only dominating ShopFromHomepage, but the Top Blog spot as well!

Edmond, I mean, Lex Luthor

Huh?!?

After I read that, I discovered this: http://takingoverthewebonecityatatime.blogspot.com/ and I quote:

Long ago, I was cast into darkness by a very impressive adversary for his day, but his time was no longer. After Edmond McGuyer went to visit a doctor, the famous Dr. B, it seems that something went terribly wrong and a dichotomy was unleashed on the world: something no one was ready for. Lex Luthor came to be after Dr. B. and Edmond were discussing how to best handle the pressures of World Domination. With that, Lex Luthor has been unleashed to reign again. What happened Dr. B? I just wanted some help and advice. It’s not like I need this dude in my head!! Help!

I think I echo the mad man when he says, “Help!”

I originally brought this up back when only me and my mom read Dr. Blogstein. Now that the world has discovered my brilliant words, I can actually test this theory that I have:

I’m convinced that everyone in the USA has or knows someone who has met or seen Henry Winkler. Ask around.

It was rather innocuous and quite succinct but the comment left by omninaïf of “A droll way to look at things” in response to my rapping debut sure made me fly off the handle.

In RUN DMZ, I poke fun at the adorable dictator of North Korea by writing a parody of a classic Run DMC song. Kim Jong Illin’, as I named my rap, was ridiculous. That was the point of it. The whole idea was to make people laugh.

I succeeded in doing so with omninaïf. I know this because he told me in the form of a comment: “I’m laughing at you. Not with you.“

Mission accomplished, right? You would think so, but for some odd reason I took offense to that comment. Maybe it was the lack of sleep that is a symptom of having a favorite team in the playoffs or perhaps the stress of keeping up the #1 blog on the entire World Wide Web, but I jumped all over poor omninaïf:

Sheesh, Blogstein, chill out!

His was a very valid comment, so valid that it wins COMMENT OF THE WEEK and not because I feel bad for jumping down his throat for no reason. Rather, because he proved to me that what I’ve been doing here has served a purpose.

My goal is to make people laugh and think, but mostly laugh. I don’t care whether you’re laughing with me or at me. I don’t care if your laughing at something totally unrelated but that I reminded you of. Just laugh. In fact, I can’t blame anyone for laughing at my reaction to omninaïf’s COMMENT OF THE WEEK.

I’d be laughing myself if I wasn’t so embarrassed about it!

You Decide, We Report!

I am not confused (at the moment, at least.) I purposely butchered Fox News Channel’s famous slogan to give you, the reader, the power to determine whether or not the interview that was offered to me is worth pursuing.

Last night, I received an email from Edmond McGuyer, an occasional poster here at Dr. Blogstein. McGuyer, who looks like a comic book villain, has created ShopFromHomepage.com, which he claims provides “a solution to a common problem, applying logic to fix something that really peeves most of us.”

He never does go onto explain what the problem is or what the solution does.

What he does give us is this short video which may or may not contain subliminal messages:

TV is the new movies.

We are in the midst of a new Golden Age in television. Sure, there’s a fair share of crap on air. There has to be because there are 500 channels and only a handful of smart people in Hollywood. But the quality that exists on television today outshines perhaps any past TV era and most certainly outshines anything that plays in a movie theater.

The acting, writing and production value of television shows like 24, The Wire and Boston Legal are top notch. The creativity and intricacies of programs like Lost, The Nine and Heroes are truly inspired.

No longer must you leave your home to see blockbuster actors. They’re scrambling to get off the silver screen to get a television series. Remember when David Caruso was the laughing stock of Hollywood when he left NYPD Blue to pursue a movie career? Now actors are going the other direction (and Caruso is back on the small screen!)

Consider Martin Sheen, Charlie Sheen, Keifer Sutherland, Genna Davis, James Spader, Vincent D’Onofrio, Gary Sinise–all ditching movie making for series television. This season, James Wood and Selma Hayek will make that same leap (or in Wood’s case, try to make the leap.)

Can’t commit to a full season of a television series? No matter, get the DVD. Get home late? Don’t fret, you have On Demand, TiVo or a TiVo like product.

TV has the quality, the stars and the convenience that people used to go to movies for. Manufacturers are making HiDef, LCD, plasma televisions in all sizes now so that even the big screen’s picture quality can be matched and exceeded by television.

Movies are quickly becoming less and less relevant while the price of a ticket and popcorn are becoming more and more exorbitant. Why go to the movies?!?I mean, perhaps above all, when your viewing pleasure is interrupted by a ringing cell phone, at least you know its for you!

This post was inspired by this exchange on Books, Inq.

I know its Game 7 tonight and I’m risking bad karma with this post, but I can’t resist a good Yankees joke…

This, courtesy of perhaps the best sports blog on the web, Uni Watch: